I don't know what's wrong with me

    • I don't know what's wrong with me

      I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, my nan will be there with me, and what she hears will make her hate me, I am a lost cause, I am not worth helping. They should probably just leave.

      Writing this is making me feel sick. I have no idea why. For that last two years I've had a block depression, I get these brief moments of happiness then bam, it's all over and gone.
      I don't know what's going on. It just hurts. I'm going to have to tell the doctor everything, and all I'll probably get is 'It's just hormones'
      Whatever this is, it's gotten so bad that just last week, I stuck my fingers down my throat for two days in a row, so I didn't have to go to school. So I could just sit here on my computer, or lie on my bed all day, because moving hurts. Sitting still hurts. Breathing hurts. Life hurts.
      I feel really empty. I used to want help, but now it's like some sort of peace. Not really peace. Just an understanding, that I don't really want help, that I'm fine like this.
      I keep thinking of suicide. When I am happy, it's like I'm high, and then it's like, I don't even know.
      So I'm going to ask one last time for help tomorrow.
      I know it's cliché and all, but seriously, what's happening to me?
      This sounds so whiney and pathetic. I'm sorry guys.