What do you think of this story I wrote?

    • What do you think of this story I wrote?

      I knew I had to stop but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it… I never could. Once I had begun it was just; impossible. I try not to, I really do – but I always cave in the end. I went ten years this time. Avoided people, mostly, I took a liking to animals instead. Poor things… they never did anything to deserve this either. But Lucy; my current victim – well she really was the most innocent of them all. I never planned to hurt her… it just, happened.
      It all started just two weeks ago: my first day at Redding Grave High school. The name suits me perfectly, don’t you think? Anyway back to the story, I was enrolling when she literally bounced up to me! “Hello! I’m Lucy, and I’m so excited to welcome you to our school!” she beamed at me. Cheerleader. I wasn’t stereotyping either; she was dressed in a red and black cheer uniform, and she was waving matching pom-poms wildly in my face. Because this was totally the type of school I belonged in… not.
      I smiled at her and said ‘It’s nice to meet you’ really just wanting to go explore my new school – alone. “Come on, I’ll show you around!” she exclaimed, grabbing my hand as if she was a child and I was a new toy. I could tell that this school was going to take a lot of effort to keep my temper under control. I mean seriously; one mistake and I could end someone’s life.
      The next week went by in a blur with Lucy by my side twenty four-seven at school. I honestly couldn’t see what it was about me that made her stick around; I mean, after all she had so many other friends before I came along; and it wasn’t like I had even half as much cheer and spirit as her. This was why I was so shocked when she asked me on a date last Friday. She said “Hey, Damon. Do you maybe want to grab a bite to eat or something tomorrow?” this sounded so ironic to me as I had a totally different image of ‘grabbing a bite to eat.’ I had to suppress a laugh at this. “Like a date?” I replied. “Well, yeah. But only if you want to…” she looked so nervous, so being me; like I always do, I foolishly agreed and then arranged to pick her up around four the next day. I say foolishly because I’m on a different kind of diet to the rest of the world – meaning no savoury or sweet snacks of any kind for me. Not that I’d ever want or need them.
      I still went with her though. We went to a place called munch hut. It sold basically every kind of unhealthy, junk food known to the world, but of course I could eat none. She ordered pepperoni pizza and fries but only picked at it looking as if she could cry. I reached out and stroked her hand uttering the words “What’s wrong Lucy?” she smiled; but it was clearly forced as she soon after burst into tears. I rushed over to her leading her outside so that she would not be watched by everyone in the restaurant. Had I made the poor girl cry? “Tell me what’s wrong…” I soothed. But she only looked at me sadly, before reaching up and kissing me. I was so confused that my only response was to push her away; of course causing more tears! She was likeable; just very confusing and emotional. Also she definitely didn’t belong with me… she deserved better, but the way those sad little eyes of hers looked pleadingly into mine…
      I knew right then that if I let this go any further I could seriously hurt her; I didn’t want to, so why didn’t I stop myself? Like right now, I knew what I was doing was wrong but it is who I am, and no matter how hard I try I can never change what I am. So maybe kissing her that day was a mistake. Okay it was a huge mistake! But she looked so sad and it’s not like I made her kiss me back.i knew she would though… after all she did try to in the first place. I never choose for her to fall for me. All in just two weeks as well…
      The girl had her heart too open. She’d just let anyone in I suppose. She just chose the worst choice… me. I should have said no. I should have never let it get so far! Now I was killing her and I couldn’t stop… I was draining the life out of an innocent girl all because she had fallen for me; I had let her and our kiss had gone too far. She only screamed once. The fear always leaves after the bite. When the blood is leaving the body of any victim they tend to sense pleasure, a sense of safety and comfort in it; they don’t feel the death in a painful way. They may know it’s happening but they don’t feel scared…
      For some of us this knowledge alone allows us to never feel guilt for our need to feed. But for the few; like me, I just feel like a murder and plain evil if I have to result to killing an innocent person. It’s even worse when you have spent time with your victim; like I had with Lucy. It’s almost like we can really interact with them; but whenever we get close to a human this is nearly always what happens to them. I don’t want to kill. I try so hard not to, but in the end I always cave. It really makes me feel sick though, knowing that just a couple of weeks ago she was a sweet and innocent fifteen year old without a worry in the world. Then I came along and ruined it all…
      Now, she lays lifeless on the ground in the dark woods under a shadowed tree; two puncture marks on the right side of her neck; where my teeth left there deadly mark.
    • Re: What do you think of this story I wrote?

      Without going too deep into opinions or observations, i'll just say it needs work, it's an interesting piece of literature, but your grammar, delivery and use of words has to improve in my eyes.
      [CENTER][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=2]Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?[/SIZE] [/CENTER]
    • Re: What do you think of this story I wrote?

      I don't have much experience with teen literature so I don't think I'm fit to judge the subject...

      I suggest you give a lot more detail in the scenery and the body language/appearance of your characters since there is not a lot of dialogue. Speech between characters gives context to a situation, if you do not have that context things like weather, scenery, expressions and so on mentioned in the characters thoughts and observations set the mood/tone. Many wonderful authors did this such as Ayn Rand and Edgar Allen Poe (and me - haha, but I am a horrific writer), but you have to do it right or it’s just a mass of adjectives!

      Grammatically: You need to start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes, and you had a lot of sentence fragments. Commas. Are. Our. Friends. ;)

      As you may be able to see I have to opposite problem, every sentence I type is a run-on, lol.