My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

    • My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      A few days ago, one of my best mates came up to me and told me that he was Bi. He said I was the first he told and that he has been hanging on to this for about four years now. Now the thing is, now it feels different. I mean nothing has changed; he’s still the same guy that I’ve been best friends with for seven years but it feels different now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discriminate to anyone because of their sexual orientation, I don’t care that he’s Bi, it means nothing, he’s still my mate and always will be. But there’s something there now, I was talking with him, cracking on as usual but there was a wall between us, a slight wall but a very distinctive wall. I’m not worried about him hitting on me or anything, when he told me that was the first thing he said, that he has no feeling for me. I hate myself, I hate myself for feeling like this because nothing about him as changed, nothing but it feels like it has and that me, and I hate it. He asked if it was awkward and I lied, I said no, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or put an even bigger wall between us.


      And what makes me feel worse about feeling this way is, I’m his only support at the moment. You see besides me, he only has two other friends and both are homophobic, one is extremely homophobic while the other isn’t so much. On top of that, His Mother, while having no real prejudices against gays, doesn’t think its natural, and he’s worried about that. I’m the only one that knows because he says that I’m the only one that he thinks can deal with it, and that makes me feel horrible because of how I feel. I can deal with it but I don’t know if it’s because he’s been my mates for so , that he’s the only bisexual man I know ( I’m friends with quite a few Bi girls, just no boys until now) or for some other reason, I don’t know and I hate myself for it. He talks about it, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable, not because of what he’s talking about but because of how I react to it I suppose. This is all me, not him, it’s me that is doing this and it’s me that could potentially put a wedge in our friendship.


      He’s gone off to America for a couple of weeks so I’ve got some time to get my head around this. Try and figure out why I’m feeling this way and how to fix it before he comes back. So if you have any advice or anything I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      I know you said you don't discriminate but it feels like you are but subconsciously. If it wasn't a problem for you, you wouldn't have to think about it and get your head around it. You should just act like you normally would around him and just ignore that wall feeling. If you ignore it, I'm sure it will go away and you can get back to being best friends again. I think you're naturally distancing yourself away from him because of the fear that he may start liking you. But if he's been bi for 4 years now and says he has no feelings for you, then there's nothing to worry about.

      I understand how you feel a bit because I found out a guy friend I have has kissed guys before and has been bi curious but you'd never think it. I was a bit shocked at first but I thought 'oh well!' and we still speak to each other like normal and there's no wall between us.
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    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      I'm sure it's not a discrimination thing. Whether you feel like him coming out is a negative thing or not, it's still a change, so it's natural that you may need some time to get your head around this. I really hope you take the time while he's in America to do that, because after some clear thinking you will realise that it shouldn't impact your relationship as friends whatsoever.
    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      Eminemaniac wrote:

      I'm sure it's not a discrimination thing. Whether you feel like him coming out is a negative thing or not, it's still a change, so it's natural that you may need some time to get your head around this. I really hope you take the time while he's in America to do that, because after some clear thinking you will realise that it shouldn't impact your relationship as friends whatsoever.


      I agree with what Eminemaniac just said. You've known your friend for a while and you thought that you knew everything about him. So him telling you that he's bi is sort of like a bombshell to you. It's probably one of the last things you ever expected him to tell you. I think you just need time to process the news. I don't think you're a homophobe or a terrible person, and you shouldn't think that way about yourself either. Like any sort of shocking news or change that happens in your life, it will take time to process. Don't feel bad for needing time to adjust.

      As for the wall between you guys, ignoring it isn't the right thing to do. You shouldn't have lied and said that things aren't awkward when they clearly are. Nothing good can ever come from lying. Be honest with him. Things are a bit awkward, but you hate that they are that way. Tell him that you just need time to digest what he's told you and that you don't want your friendship to change because of it.
    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      I think it's just surprised/shocked you, so you need time to accept the fact that he's bi because it's a rather big deal. Just keep in mind that he's always been bi, so he isn't different and that he needs support from you. Just be there for him, and try and ignore these feelings that are telling you things have changed, because they clearly haven't.
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    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      J.Loaf wrote:

      I'm don't think so, as I said I have friends who are bi and there has been no discrimination felt there.

      Maybe that's the thing. You have had the bi friends as bi friends since you met them, they didn't "change" from being straight to bi. You learned to get used to them from the beginning.

      However, when your other friend told you he was bi you became shocked because you were used to him "being" straight. I believe you just need to get used to that new knowledge, that he is bi. Furthermore, as you say, nothing has changed.

      I doubt you will have any problems in the long run =)

      The post was edited 2 times, last by Shloom ().

    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      J.Loaf wrote:

      I'm don't think so, as I said I have friends who are bi and there has been no discrimination felt there.


      It's probably because you're a little bi too and might want to try something out. Studies have proven that nobody is 100% straight, there is always some attraction to the same gender whether it be physical or subconscious
    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      Shloom wrote:

      Maybe that's the thing. You have had the bi friends as bi friends since you met them, they didn't "change" from being straight to bi. You learned to get used to them from the beginning.


      No, they were all straight when I met them although the fact hat they're all girls may have something to do with it. My mate in question is the only bi guy that I know. I don’t have any other male gay or bi friends, they're all girls. So that’s maybe that is what’s making me feel this way a bit because with bi or lesbians girls, at least I can relate to the more, I don’t know.

      ---------- Post added at 12:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:39 PM ----------

      V1NC3 wrote:

      It's probably because you're a little bi too and might want to try something out. Studies have proven that nobody is 100% straight, there is always some attraction to the same gender whether it be physical or subconscious


      It's very safe to say that that's not an issue in this.
    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      lol whats wrong with everyone being like ohh you probably have to first adjust yourself and shit.
      maybe he just discriminates it like hann said subconsciously.
      he might be like ohh i dont care if hes bi and stuff but maybe he acctually does and is just telling that to himself to make himself feel better!
    • Re: My best mate told me he's Bi and now things are different and it's all me.

      The thing to remember is that he's still the same friend you've always known. He likes guys just like you and he both like girls, and that's a big change for both you and him to accept. It sounds like he's struggling a little bit to live with who he is right now, so it's no surprise that you're also struggling a little bit to accept who he is. Give it some time, and keep in mind that no matter what, you're still his friend.