poem: please critique? thank you

    • poem: please critique? thank you

      this is dedicated, to the girls out there
      who smile all around, on the inside they dare
      there sadness is always, but sometimes disapears
      that feel depressed, but sometimes they stare
      inside there heart, to see despair
      but always know, i will always be there
      Emily[FONT="Lucida Console"][/FONT][COLOR="Magenta"][SIZE="4"]:love1:[/SIZE][/COLOR]

    • Re: poem: please critique? thank you

      Good start, keep writing about what you feel and see within - that's important.

      As you keep going, you'll find how to cut words that aren't necessary to what you want to say. You'll have to decide whether you like more traditional poetic structures, and if so, listen to how words of all sorts sound together, and try all the new words and phrases you hear in life.

      If you want more sound or impact, cut away structure, and just focus on what sounds the best or cuts the deepest.

      But, really, keep writing, keep learning, and keep posting it ^^

    • Re: poem: please critique? thank you

      EmilyJade101 wrote:

      This is dedicated to the girls out there
      Who smile all around, on the inside they dare;
      Their sadness is always but sometimes disappears,
      That feel depressed, but sometimes they stare
      Inside their hearts to see despair.
      But always know I will always be there.


      I fixed up the grammar a bit :)

      You have great writing potential. It's all about what comes from within your heart, and this certainly speaks. Some of the lines seem like the rhyme is heavily forced, especially the second line. Keep working at it; explore new techniques and such. :)