Confusing More-than-friends Scenario

    • Confusing More-than-friends Scenario

      (Skip to the bottom for a summary. This is a really long story.)

      A year and a half ago, I was on a school trip to Atlanta for gifted kids with about 30 others. It was a 3-day trip with a charter bus and the works. I sat on the bus with a kind of acquaintance-friend guy and two girls, one of whom I had a huge crush on and the other a girl I thought was cute but had never seen before.

      The first day went smooth and we ended up having a lot of fun, venturing as far as the firetruck game, truth-or-dare, would you rather, et cetera. Flirtsy and fun, which was pretty much the opposite of my usual self.

      On the second day, I started to hang out with some of my usual friends and drift away from the crush-girl and cute-girl. All four of my friends were from my first period science class, and I knew them pretty well, except for one. She was pretty quiet and secluded most of the time, and the only time I ever really talked to her was when I brought her our daily manila folders with assignments in them and whatnot (I did this every day all year.)

      During that day, we got really close. All five of us walked down the street sidewalk stepping in time, laughing and having a grand old time. Me and the shy-girl started hanging out, and usually would go off by ourselves having fun, shopping, looking at exhibits and whatnot. We became the best of friends over night. I spent next to no time with the first three I had hung out with, nor any time with the others; however, my first, only, and ex- girlfriend was also on the trip, and she started hanging out with me. We kind of flirted a little bit, and me and shy-girl stopped hanging out for two or three trip stops. I was a little out-of-place, because I still was a little upset with her after we had broken up a year or so ago. I tried not to talk to her all that time, and she mistook my ignoring her as me not being mean to her any more. So that was fun.

      On the third and final day, I spent nearly the entire time with shy-girl. I stopped to ask the other three why they hadn't been with us that time, and the one I was the best friends with (also a girl) told me it was because me and shy-girl were really close and they felt like it would be awkward for them to interfere. I was a little confused, because I hadn't really thought of me and her in that aspect, just as becoming good new friends.

      That night, we packed up our stuff at the hotel and headed out. It was a really long trip, about 5 hours. A little longer with the bus and all, plus restroom breaks, dinner, et cetera. The entire ride, I sat with shy-girl. We had a lot of fun. I had her really push me to tell crush-girl how I felt about her, and eventually she even said to her that I had something to say. I chickened out and pretended not to know what she was talking about, and that died off. She was pretty quiet for the rest of the trip, and I asked her what was wrong. After about a half an hour of thorough pestering, she insisted that nothing was wrong at all, so I dropped it. The rest of the ride we just kind of sat back and relaxed, making small talk.

      The trip was over, but we started to hang out and eventually texted each other daily. We went on a few trips to the theater with our group of four, so that was cool. I got to know her more and about a few months later (3 or 4) we were practically inseparable. We talked through our problems with each other and pretty much couldn't operate without each other.

      I made a plan: I would ask her out in a week's time, a Monday morning. I was going to come into first period, grab her hand, kneel down and ask her out. She probably would have hated me for embarrassing her, but it was going to be a great moment. Everybody in that class had come to know that we had some kind of thing going on between us, so it wouldn't have been much news. However, the Sunday night before I was going to do it, I found out that a week before (when I had made my plan) one of her friends had asked her out, and she said yes. She was taken, so I withdrew. But I told her what my plan had been and all she could say was that she was sorry.

      Later, however, one night when I was contemplating what would have happened if I had acted sooner, me and her were talking. She told me that she was frustrated because she had really liked me, but I had friendzoned her because I thought our friendship was something special not to ruin. She had gotten over me and moved onto Him. I really didn't like Him, he was one of those ego-obsessed trumpet players and a real douche. But I kept to myself and dropped the subject, and we carried on as friends. I had to really cut back on how I acted with her (because even though I had friendzoned her, I still really liked her. I couldn't help it.

      A month or two later, at the end of the school year, she had to move. It was horrible. She was moving 150 miles away, and things were going to be rough.

      She never had a good relationship with her family; her dad left when she was young but was trying to get into her life again, step-dad abused her, mother was an alcoholic, and her mother and step-dad had divorced; she hated her step-siblings and her blood-sister wasn't around very often. This was among the problems we discussed a lot.

      Therefore, she had virtually no say in the move; it was going to happen because her mother had found better work, and thought it would be good for her and the rest of the family. We hung out one last time before she left; we went to a movie, and it was just solitary quietness the entire time. Not the best idea. We had our last hug for months that day, and nothing else special for He had been in the way from letting me make a move.

      After about a month, she felt neglected and upset with Him. He broke up with her before she could say anything about it, and I was there to comfort her fall. She, her friend and I had all been pushing for the breakup. I wanted it simply because he was a jerk to her; I really did keep my feelings for her out of it as best as I could. Either way, the next two months or so were horribly dark for her.

      Little did I know, she had started cutting. Few and far between, but she had, and that was a huge problem for me. I did the best I could as a friend to get her to stop; I didn't force her, but I started complimenting her more, telling her I was there, and talking her through her problems all through the relationship she had with Him. I never once told her to focus on us or to quit cold-turkey. To this day I am still trying to find a better way for her to feel again. She hates herself, thinks everybody else hates her, and feels alone and desperate. She says she's hit rock-bottom and is only trying to cope, whether I like it or not.

      She tried drugs once with her friends. She said it 'felt right,' and I shouldn't stop her because it was one of my business. I had made her promise to me not to do drugs to solve her problems, and although I told her this, she was too off-her-rocker to understand me at the time. I told her I was disappointed and went to bed, and the next day was a long battle between us with her refusing to remember the promise.

      A few months later, it came down to a rough decision. She was still into Him, but I was asking her if she really liked me and would want to try long-distance, no matter how much we both disliked it. She was torn between us two. I told her to use a flower and pick the petals - it chose Him every time. They dated again. It only lasted about two months, and He started to neglect her again. She broke up with him this time, and I was again there to help her. I didn't say 'I told you so,' and probably never will. Even now she still has slight feelings for him. Her friend, whom had also been an influence in both breakups as I mentioned, is not into Him and it hurts her a lot.

      We got together after that, though. We dated for a month and one week, but then it ended due to our emotional conflicts and her desire to be like a bachelor while she's young and free. During that time, she asked me to her school's Sadie-Hawkins; she wanted me to 'mentally be there,' since it was a large distance to cover; although her family visited all the time and we would hang out, I had never made the trip. I asked my parents if I could go, and she was absolutely thrilled.

      The night of the dance, we kissed. Well, we had thought there was only 30 minutes left, so I took her aside and kissed her. But there was really another hour and 30 minutes left. Later, just before we left, I got her alone completely from her friends and kissed her again. We took a long 5 minutes after both to just hug and enjoy each other's company/existence. It was an amazing time.

      Two weeks later she visited, and before she left we danced to our favorite song and kissed again. We broke up three weeks later, because of the reasons I said. I was devastated and depressed, but agreed to do it if it made her happy. That's all I want: for her to be happy.

      ---

      Summary:

      I love this girl, and she loves me too.
      I am in love with this girl, but she is not in love with me.
      We both think sex is a one-time and ultimate confession of love.
      She thinks marriage is pointless and wants to have a spontaneous and friend-filled life; I want to marry her and have our white-picket-fence-house-with-children-in-the-yard future.
      We dated once after he two attempts with another guy that both ended in neglect and depression.
      She cuts. She did drugs once. She feels numb all the time and has tried more than once to kill herself.
      She makes my life better. She says: "You are my guardian angel. My protector. My love, and my life." I've saved her each and every time from killing herself. To this day she says "you're the reason I'm not dead. You keep me from committing suicide."
      Yet, she does not want the future I want. I am in a low where I hate everything and everyone, including myself. She cannot feel and wants to die. We are both in bad positions, but she is much worse than I. I just want her to be happy. She just wants me to be happy. It's all so complicated and I need help.

      I can't get past it all. I could never be with anybody else because I feel she is my soulmate, my other half, and the one on the other end of my red thread. She doesn't know how she feels other than that she loves me, but is not in love with me. What does this mean? Where do we go from here?
    • Re: Confusing More-than-friends Scenario

      Chuck Finster wrote:

      If you really loved her you'd talk to her about it even if it makes her uncomfortable. Tell her that you need to know if the two of you have a future because you can't spend all your time stressing out about her.


      Okay, this is the thing: we've talked about it a hundred times. Each time it's different. We had the conversation today where she said she loves me, but is not in love with me. We have been planning to have a future where we travel the world together, and just yesterday she said that she didn't want that any more. She doesn't know why and/or she wouldn't tell me why. So I dropped it. I confide in her, and she lays her life and protection in my hands. I'm her older-brother figure, but we have deep feelings for each other. She's not a typical girl, I'm not a typical guy. We're outcasts and both have depression issues. She's anorexic, bulimic, cuts, has done drugs, has been suicidal, and I'm helping her on the long, slow road to recovery. It's complicated.