Let's start from the beginning.
I went to a mixed primary school and my absolute favourite thing was having crushes on boys. I guess it was exciting, fun and it gave me something to look forward to. I was in love with one boy in particular, and I loved him with all my heart. I really believed that I would never find a love stronger than that.
Then I moved to an all girl secondary school. I was a little disappointed because there would be nobody to crush on! However, in the first year I fell in love with a girl in my class. I think I have a good gaydar because I was certain she was gay having barely known her, and I think this may have been the reason I fell in love with her. It only lasted for a few months and I don't think it was really love. Still to this day though, I think she is lesbian, in fact I'm 100% sure of it. I have no feelings for her at all now.
Recently, I have fallen in love with a girl in her last year. There is something about her which has this crazy effect on me and I can't describe it. I just felt this instant attraction towards her, which I denied and put off for about a year, and I have only accepted my feelings towards her a few months back. I don't know how, but I just get this sense when somebody is a lesbian, and it makes me fall in love with them. She has reasonably short hair, she dresses in baggy and quite masculine clothes and is very sporty. My friend, who didn't know her name, once referred to her as "the one who looks like a boy" and I guess she does. The sad thing is, she is leaving at the end of this week and I'll never get to see her again. I don't know what it is about her but it drives me crazy. I have this gut feeling that she might feel something for me, too. I caught her staring many times. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I wasn't last time, and I just sense this tension between us. I don't know.
Here's the thing though: I'm not gay - I mean this, if I thought I was then I would easily accept it - I think that she is my exception. I feel a love so much stronger than the love I felt for that other boy, and I just can't imagine feeling a love greater than this. The feeling is indescribable; I want to live in it forever and the thought of her leaving before I even got to speak to her... It kills me. And I know what you're thinking: You never even spoke to her? But you can't possibly understand. It was love at first sight, it truly was. And the worst part? I don't know if this is love. When I fall in love, I always imagine what we would be like together, how we would kiss, how we would never be apart, but when I try to imagine it with her it doesn't make me feel content. And it's not because she's a girl, I really wouldn't mind being a lesbian. I fall in love with people, not genders. So why is this? Why do I love her so wholly but am not satisfied at the thought of us being together? Can this be love, or is it something else, and if so, what?
I went to a mixed primary school and my absolute favourite thing was having crushes on boys. I guess it was exciting, fun and it gave me something to look forward to. I was in love with one boy in particular, and I loved him with all my heart. I really believed that I would never find a love stronger than that.
Then I moved to an all girl secondary school. I was a little disappointed because there would be nobody to crush on! However, in the first year I fell in love with a girl in my class. I think I have a good gaydar because I was certain she was gay having barely known her, and I think this may have been the reason I fell in love with her. It only lasted for a few months and I don't think it was really love. Still to this day though, I think she is lesbian, in fact I'm 100% sure of it. I have no feelings for her at all now.
Recently, I have fallen in love with a girl in her last year. There is something about her which has this crazy effect on me and I can't describe it. I just felt this instant attraction towards her, which I denied and put off for about a year, and I have only accepted my feelings towards her a few months back. I don't know how, but I just get this sense when somebody is a lesbian, and it makes me fall in love with them. She has reasonably short hair, she dresses in baggy and quite masculine clothes and is very sporty. My friend, who didn't know her name, once referred to her as "the one who looks like a boy" and I guess she does. The sad thing is, she is leaving at the end of this week and I'll never get to see her again. I don't know what it is about her but it drives me crazy. I have this gut feeling that she might feel something for me, too. I caught her staring many times. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I wasn't last time, and I just sense this tension between us. I don't know.
Here's the thing though: I'm not gay - I mean this, if I thought I was then I would easily accept it - I think that she is my exception. I feel a love so much stronger than the love I felt for that other boy, and I just can't imagine feeling a love greater than this. The feeling is indescribable; I want to live in it forever and the thought of her leaving before I even got to speak to her... It kills me. And I know what you're thinking: You never even spoke to her? But you can't possibly understand. It was love at first sight, it truly was. And the worst part? I don't know if this is love. When I fall in love, I always imagine what we would be like together, how we would kiss, how we would never be apart, but when I try to imagine it with her it doesn't make me feel content. And it's not because she's a girl, I really wouldn't mind being a lesbian. I fall in love with people, not genders. So why is this? Why do I love her so wholly but am not satisfied at the thought of us being together? Can this be love, or is it something else, and if so, what?