I Just Want to Die

    • I Just Want to Die

      I just want die - here's my story, its long, I'll summarize it as well as I can, but I hope at least some of you will take the time to read and understand why I just want to die.

      I never had a happy childhood. Being the only daughter in the family, I recieved constant sexual abuse from my brothers and my father. My mother couldn't care less, and I had no friends to turn to, and all my relatives live oceans away.

      My life suddenly took a turn for the worse when I was 13. I was raped by my father - which, as a matter of fact, was nothing out of the ordinary. It wasn't the first time, and certainly not the last, but there was one big difference this time - I became pregnant.

      One evening I was extremely ill and I couldn't stop vomiting, so my parents took me to the hospital where the emergency room doctor discovered that I was 17 weeks pregnant. My parents were outraged and began accusing me of all sorts of horrible things - even though they knew why I was pregnant. They demanded I have an abortion, but I said no, because the thought of it scared me. My father flew into an uncontrollable rage and yelled and screamed at me right there in the hospital ward, while I cried as my mother watched in silence from a few feet away. I begged her to help me, but she simply sat there and refused to say anything. My father started hitting and slapping me and I curled up on the floor and bawled my eyes out, the hospital staff could only look on in shock.

      I didn't know what to do. I just wanted it to stop, so eventually I gave in. Just a short time later, I was brought upstairs, strapped to a table, and my baby was brutally killed. It was by far the most physically and emotionally painful thing I'd ever been through, and the doctors wouldn't even tell me if my baby was a boy or girl, and I'll probably never know. No one did anything to comfort me and I cried all the way home; my parents never said a word.

      I was so emotionally battered by the abortion that the years that followed were full of crime and drug abuse. The sexual abuse continued, but somehow I didn't get pregnant again. Over the years I've been in a lot of stormy and abusive relationships with a countless number of guys. Everytime things were going wrong, I had the same feeling that I just want to die.

      I've cleaned up my act now, and I'm no longer living with my family so they can't abuse me anymore, but I've healed very little inside. Often times, I just sit at my bedroom and reflect on my past, and I wonder why I'm still alive when I always felt like i just want to die....
    • Re: I just want to die...

      basket_of_kittens wrote:

      I just want die - here's my story, its long, I'll summarize it as well as I can, but I hope at least some of you will take the time to read and understand why I just want to die.

      Oh my gosh. I am really sorry about what happened to you. Your family is quite fucked up.

      Why would you want to kill yourself? You said yourself that you don't live with your family anymore, and you've cleaned up your act. I know it's hard to let go of the past, but that's what you need to do. You need to think about the present and future, and what life would be like for your friends when you're gone.

      Don't do it. Don't leave us. Taking your life is not worth it. Let your family know that you're strong eventhough you had a horrible past, by staying alive and living life the fullest.

    • Re: I just want to die...

      Alex_Rosque wrote:

      You have come to far to give up now.


      Everything you have been through is horrible, no one should have to go through such a thing, or anything close to it. When your ready, you should say something to some kind of authority, about what your family did to you, they should not get away with it.
      But only after you can handle it. Alot of people that came from situations similar to yours end up being very strong people, you can help others, once you have helped yourself.
      You have aot to live for, your life is just starting, you can still do great and live a full life.

      Good luck.
      [CENTER] [CENTER][SIZE=1] [SIZE=2]Forget Guns. Just[/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=1]
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    • Re: I just want to die...

      wow and i thought i had a bad childhood. Well you've managed the tough part and as you said you no longer live with your parents so obviosuly you are about 17 + which is a start to a whole new life. I would think of it like you've been re-born and those past years was a whole different life, think positively and try to start a fresh, theres a new year coming up, what better way to start again?

      having a bad childhood is just sowemthing your going to have to accept and live with, you will never have that "normal" relationship with your parents, but is that really important? this is a chance to put everything right in your life now, you've hit rock bottom things can only go up from here onwards. I don't doubt there will be days where you think about your past, but you got to be strong and show your parents that they didn't win in the end

      you did
      Nicole = Happiest she's been in a long time:lovey:
    • Re: I just want to die...

      OMG what your parents did to you were really awful. Seriously. I feel really bad for you and I'm really really angry at your parents. Your horrible past isn't your fault so don't blame yourself. I know it's hard for you to forget it but there's no point to look back, especially when it's bad. Please think carefully. If you kill yourself nothing is gonna get better. Suicide is a big sin as well. There are so many good things to live for. Look on the bright sides of life.

      There were times when I was very depressed and I too felt like it was better for me to die. Everyone feels like this sometimes. But death is not the answer.
    • Re: I just want to die...

      wow... thats all i can really say.... but i do have a question.. can i have your parents address names, and just a few storys to make them cry them self to sleep for the rest of there life... good god someone needs to take them and put them through some of that pain, tears, long nights with no sleep... sorry about your troulbe... but as said before... dont let them win... make sure you live your life happy... the happier you are... the more they willl hurt inside.... and see what they have done....
    • Re: I just want to die...

      You shouldnt kill yourself now, after everything you went through, you finally are free from your sick demented family, if you made it this far just to kill yoursef then you went through that pain for nothing, you finally have the chance to start over and start your life again, killing yourself at the start would have been better than killing yourself now( and no i am not sayin u should hav killed urself) but you didnt so dont waste your chance to start over, and i suggest you dont speak to your family ... xx
    • Re: I just want to die...

      Anyone that can go through that much and come out to tell the story gets my respect no matter what bad you have done.

      Im glad that your through it all now, and as some people have already said, you've come so far dont give up now.
      Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, non but ourself can free our minds - Bob Marley