Falling Hard

    • Falling Hard

      I'm 14 years old. I have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and OCD. I have been in a very dark place for quite a while. I recently lost my boyfriend and my best friend since fifth grade. In 7th grade I decided to start taking pills I didn't care what kind or how many just as long as it got me through the day. I have been in a downward spiral ever since. I stopped taking pills a few months ago when I got with my boyfriend because I wanted to do better I was so happy during the time I was with him. I felt like my depression could finally go away but about 3 weeks ago he broke up with me for basically no reason. Since then I've started cutting again and I've been craving pills but can't find them nearly as easy as I did a year ago. I can barely make it through school because my ex and my old best friend are there. I had two panic attacks in one class block yesterday (it was the class I have with my ex). The doctor prescribed me some anti-depressants that don't even help they only stop me from sleeping which I have a hard enough time doing already. He also preferred me a counselor who hasn't helped at all in the past three months. She basically tells me that everything I do is wrong and tells me to do the dumbest stuff. My mom is a abusive cunt who has scarred me for life and my dad is never here. Every time he gets home he usually never says a word to me and when he does he's yelling at me because my mom told him too. The only person I could trust was my brother-in-law. I told him everything he was like an actual brother to me for a few years and then right around Christmas he told my sister everything about my pill problem and everything else. She told my mom of course and I'm still being lectured about it. I never told him I cut though which is great because that can be my dirty little secret. If I don't have cutting I have nothing. I feel so alone I have two close friends and they are definitely bad influences but they have depression too so I feel like it's the only place I belong. I know they won't be here forever though so I'm alone. I have no family who gives a shit about me, even my older sister has turned into an alcoholic who is now pregnant of course. I have no one to go too, if I told my therapist everything there would be serious consequences. I'm doing pretty well in school which is kind of good so I can get out of this tiny hick town, I can't fucking stand rednecks. That means I'm doing well in school but failing at life. I've tried to kill myself three times but only ended up passed out in my bathroom covered in vomit. I swear I can't die every time I try it just doesn't work out. To be honest I'm an atheist, so I don't want to be lectured about how god put me here for a reason. I've heard it all before. I respect everyone's religion as long as they respect mine. I'm not against gays either or race. I find it really judgmental and stupid. Well I guess I just wanted to get this stuff out and I would really like to meet some other teens like me who need someone to talk too.
      Signed, M.

      The post was edited 1 time, last by Effy_Stonem ().

    • Re: Falling Hard

      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      I'm 14 years old. I have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and OCD. I have been in a very dark place for quite a while. I recently lost my boyfriend and my best friend since fifth grade. In 7th grade I decided to start taking pills I didn't care what kind or how many just as long as it got me through the day. I have been in a downward spiral ever since. I stopped taking pills a few months ago when I got with my boyfriend because I wanted to do better I was so happy during the time I was with him. I felt like my depression could finally go away but about 3 weeks ago he broke up with me for basically no reason. Since then I've started cutting again and I've been craving pills but can't find them nearly as easy as I did a year ago. I can barely make it through school because my ex and my old best friend are there. I had two panic attacks in one class block yesterday (it was the class I have with my ex).


      Sounds like your current main drive in life is other people :P
      That's a dangerous thing, but it can be powerful.

      In school relationships normally can't be taken too seriously. You break up and then you're stuck in the same room with someone you loved for the rest of the rest of the year; and then possibly for more classes until you get out of school. pfft how's that for 'closure'.


      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      The doctor prescribed me some anti-depressants that don't even help they only stop me from sleeping which I have a hard enough time doing already.


      anti-depressants are normally only effective when the cause of depression is a chemical imbalance. They're heavily over-prescribed, and even when they are applicable it can take a lot of trial-and-error to find the right one and the right dose.

      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      He also referred me a counselor who hasn't helped at all in the past three months. She basically tells me that everything I do is wrong and tells me to do the dumbest stuff.


      Well telling you that everything you do is wrong part of her job description; if what you're doing has lead you to where you are. It could feel like it's external influences that have shaped your current situation, but all this weight is only handed to you; you're the one who gets to chose if you feel like putting it on your shoulders and carrying it. We can't help what the world does, but we can choose how to handle ourselves when it does things to us. As for the weird suggestions she may have given you, I'd really like some more info here. That dumbest-stuff may have some actual merit; or it could be just her personal way of trying to get you to open up and explore new things.

      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      My mom is a abusive cunt who has scarred me for life and my dad is never here. Every time he gets home he usually never says a word to me and when he does he's yelling at me because my mom told him too. The only person I could trust was my brother-in-law. I told him everything he was like an actual brother to me for a few years and then right around Christmas he told my sister everything about my pill problem and everything else. She told my mom of course and I'm still being lectured about it.


      How is your mom an "abusive cunt"?? I was scarred for life when I watched 1 man 1 jar; so I guess you may need to be more specific on this type of scarring (unless you feel that you've dealt with it within yourself already, of course). As for the stepbro; I think he probably had your best interests in heart when he told her.

      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      I never told him I cut though which is great because that can be my dirty little secret. If I don't have cutting I have nothing. I feel so alone I have two close friends and they are definitely bad influences but they have depression too so I feel like it's the only place I belong. I know they won't be here forever though so I'm alone. I have no family who gives a shit about me, even my older sister has turned into an alcoholic who is now pregnant of course.


      "Hey! I'm lonely, you're lonely,.... let's be lonely together!!"
      Depressed-teen logic is funny now isn't it...

      You shouldn't be so willing to embrace your depression as a comfort zone. In fact you should fight that as much as you can. It's a rather dark path, with tenancies to only find meaning and purpose in life dependent on those around you, and then to embrace being alone and sad as a comforting and familiar state. These two things conflict; you may feel like its a "fall-back", when those you love seemingly-inevitably move on, you can wallow in your depression and survive in a twisted satisfaction from your miserably; but it really doesn't work like that. You'll become too unfamiliar to the numb of the cold darkness when you love someone; the pain of being ripped from that and then trying to settle into that comfort-zone will leave you really wrecked. To open to love you need to become warm in a light, opening up to possibly more harm, but also more positive things. To become numb in sorrow you need to shut yourself off, protecting from possibly harmful things, but also blocking out more positive things. You try to restrict the potential spectrum of things you feel so you can be in this gray emotion, a depression not ripping you apart from the inside, and a happiness not making you jump for joy either.

      Sadly that second one may restrict you from the extremes of emotion, but it will slowly drift downwards until your normal, are those extremes, and you'll have no way to get back up without a lot of serious time and effort.

      It basically boils down to this; you can try to float on the waves in a boat, crashing through some things, being lifted up high, and also being dropped down. Occasionally some water will splash in where you'll need to use a bucket to try and stay afloat. Or, you can seal yourself in a shell and drop ancor. You wont be tossed up and down like in the boat, you'll only be slightly shifted one way or the other, but never to such extremes. What you wont notice is that you're slowly sinking; and little drips of water are coming through the shell. It doesn't seem like much, but over time you will find yourself upto your neck, near to drowning, and if you try to break free of the shell and swim to the surface, you'll find that you've sunk much further than you originally thought. Swimming to the surface in time from such a depth will be extremely difficult, and it's likely that you wont survive.

      Despite what you're trying to do, you can't just jump between the two whenever you wish; bailing out of the boat into a shell whenever things start looking bad. You'll be exhausted from all that swimming, and if you stick it out for long enough the shell sinks too deep to be easily reached.


      Most people, like me, see cutting yourself as doing 1 or 2 things: it's either a visual cry for help to whoever will listen, or you're releasing endorphins for a bit of a rush, or a combination of the two.

      So stop cutting yourself. Go bake cookies or some shit. Getting high off of your painkilling endorphins sure isn't all it's talked up to be. Play videogames, watch anime, watch porn, build a car, do your math homework, experiment with generating microwave-sustained plasma,...

      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      I have no one to go too, if I told my therapist everything there would be serious consequences. I'm doing pretty well in school which is kind of good so I can get out of this tiny hick town, I can't fucking stand rednecks. That means I'm doing well in school but failing at life.


      Failing at life when you're 14. Better than to be failing at both when 20 right? You're not supposed to be succeeding in life yet; you're supposed to be fucking around and making yourself look like an idiot while trying to figure out what life you want to succeed in.

      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      I've tried to kill myself three times but only ended up passed out in my bathroom covered in vomit. I swear I can't die every time I try it just doesn't work out. To be honest I'm an atheist, so I don't want to be lectured about how god put me here for a reason. I've heard it all before. I respect everyone's religion as long as they respect mine. I'm not against gays either or race. I find it really judgmental and stupid.


      The world isn't as bad as you think. Death is permanent, life is temporary. Unless your locked in a basement being tortured every day; there isn't much of an excuse to die. Even then it's an interesting and unique experience to which your only explanation for suicide is "oh, the thorn whip again? it's the 3rd time this week SHESH my torturer has no imagination! booooring *suicide*" - point being that even the horrible and most depression and painful situations are still only temporary, and regardless of how horrible they seem they are still experiences that you can endure and learn from, and if nothing else; enjoy the fact that you were able to experience it at all.

      As for the last part; Athiesm isn't a religion but I get what you're trying to say.
      "please don't quote the bible oh jeez i live with a bunch of rednecks just don't..."

      Effy_Stonem wrote:

      Well I guess I just wanted to get this stuff out and I would really like to meet some other teens like me who need someone to talk too.
      Signed, M.


      Well, I guess I'm not a teen anymore, and I don't really need someone to talk to .... but hey I'm here if you ever need to talk or rant :D
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