Hey,
I am Dominic, 18 from Germany. It is 1.15am in the morning, I would have to get up 4 1/2h.
The mixed feelings are keeping me awake. I went through my chat history of my exgirlfriend. We are not together since more than a year now. I can't believe that time ran so fast. I read all the messages... it was more arguing than anything else. At the beginning it what awesome, but it changed so fast. I realized so many things I have done wrong. I apologized so many times to her, but never changed my behavior to her. Now I feel so guilty. Again. We agreed not talking, because we would just argue. I am too selfish. But I can't stand the presse. I feel so guilty in charge but I also feel I can't apologize. It would not be enough. I had so many chances doing things right again, but I never took them. And now I want to so bad. On the other hand I know I won't succeed. I am what I am. I feel like I have no feelings. It is everything so mixed up. What I wish most is to change the past. Never getting to know her. To protect her from me and from the things I did to her. I love her tho, but I never treated her right. Our personalities don't find, even though I know we would still argue I want be with her and not. Finally not. She already has her 2ed bf now since we broke up. Makes me wonder. Did she love me? She did. But why could she release me so fast? Because I added her all the pain. Since the brake up I had a really really bad time, then it went better, but once again it came all up and got worse. Then better. And now I am here again. It is not that rough anymore as it was right after the break up. But it is so hurting. I've had suicide thoughts, tried, but finally I didn't ever want to. I don't know what to do. I have nothing. Yes I have my few friends, barely talk to my best friend since he is working and busy with his gf. And also I will move away. Away from my friends. It is hard for me to make new friends. I am different. I am shy. I don't drink for fun, I don't go to parties, I don't smoke, i don't think it is funny when people vomit due alcohol, I dress differently, I have a simple haircut and I am not the most beautiful one. Even harder for me, getting a new gf. To find the right one is so hard. My exgf? I would want to try it with her and not. IN fact she was the best ever happened to me in life so far. She wasn't like the others. Most girl today are .... I think I don't have to mention this. All I want is a girl who is mature. understanding, caring. But on the other hand I am too scared to have a relationship. Anyway I wont be in one. I am too less on the streets. We once had a nice Bar where I could play pool with a friend, but it went out of business. I would go to a party, but not in order to get drunk.... I need to socialize more. But alone? Impossible. I feel so empty, don't know what to do. My minds are scrabbled. I wish time would go fast. I hate my teenage life. I wanna be 30. Having a job, living where I always wanted to live. But now? I am still 18. Next year I will study. I though about going to a psychologist. I am not sure about it. I feel like this right now, and tomorrow I will think I was stupid writing this. I feel so different then. So ... normal. So I won't need a doctor anymore. My sad moments are phases. Gotten less, but they happened. Will they happen in future? My current phase is not that bad. Last month I had a worse one. I wish I can forget this all. Just simply forget. I never more want those empty feelings. But they come up. What if I go to a doctor, but nothing is wrong with me at the moment? But when I don't go then maybe I will have my depressed nights again. I don't know. I am sorry if this all confuses you. I am confused by myself. But I just need to write down my minds somewhere. I feel like there is so much iin my head right now, but I can't think of anything.
I am Dominic, 18 from Germany. It is 1.15am in the morning, I would have to get up 4 1/2h.
The mixed feelings are keeping me awake. I went through my chat history of my exgirlfriend. We are not together since more than a year now. I can't believe that time ran so fast. I read all the messages... it was more arguing than anything else. At the beginning it what awesome, but it changed so fast. I realized so many things I have done wrong. I apologized so many times to her, but never changed my behavior to her. Now I feel so guilty. Again. We agreed not talking, because we would just argue. I am too selfish. But I can't stand the presse. I feel so guilty in charge but I also feel I can't apologize. It would not be enough. I had so many chances doing things right again, but I never took them. And now I want to so bad. On the other hand I know I won't succeed. I am what I am. I feel like I have no feelings. It is everything so mixed up. What I wish most is to change the past. Never getting to know her. To protect her from me and from the things I did to her. I love her tho, but I never treated her right. Our personalities don't find, even though I know we would still argue I want be with her and not. Finally not. She already has her 2ed bf now since we broke up. Makes me wonder. Did she love me? She did. But why could she release me so fast? Because I added her all the pain. Since the brake up I had a really really bad time, then it went better, but once again it came all up and got worse. Then better. And now I am here again. It is not that rough anymore as it was right after the break up. But it is so hurting. I've had suicide thoughts, tried, but finally I didn't ever want to. I don't know what to do. I have nothing. Yes I have my few friends, barely talk to my best friend since he is working and busy with his gf. And also I will move away. Away from my friends. It is hard for me to make new friends. I am different. I am shy. I don't drink for fun, I don't go to parties, I don't smoke, i don't think it is funny when people vomit due alcohol, I dress differently, I have a simple haircut and I am not the most beautiful one. Even harder for me, getting a new gf. To find the right one is so hard. My exgf? I would want to try it with her and not. IN fact she was the best ever happened to me in life so far. She wasn't like the others. Most girl today are .... I think I don't have to mention this. All I want is a girl who is mature. understanding, caring. But on the other hand I am too scared to have a relationship. Anyway I wont be in one. I am too less on the streets. We once had a nice Bar where I could play pool with a friend, but it went out of business. I would go to a party, but not in order to get drunk.... I need to socialize more. But alone? Impossible. I feel so empty, don't know what to do. My minds are scrabbled. I wish time would go fast. I hate my teenage life. I wanna be 30. Having a job, living where I always wanted to live. But now? I am still 18. Next year I will study. I though about going to a psychologist. I am not sure about it. I feel like this right now, and tomorrow I will think I was stupid writing this. I feel so different then. So ... normal. So I won't need a doctor anymore. My sad moments are phases. Gotten less, but they happened. Will they happen in future? My current phase is not that bad. Last month I had a worse one. I wish I can forget this all. Just simply forget. I never more want those empty feelings. But they come up. What if I go to a doctor, but nothing is wrong with me at the moment? But when I don't go then maybe I will have my depressed nights again. I don't know. I am sorry if this all confuses you. I am confused by myself. But I just need to write down my minds somewhere. I feel like there is so much iin my head right now, but I can't think of anything.