I Don't Know How To Help A Friend

    • I Don't Know How To Help A Friend

      This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum so hopefully this will work :)

      I have a friend (a girl, 18, we'll call her Susan) who started dating my best friend (a guy, 17, we'll call him Mike) around about a month ago. Both of these people are wonderful people to me, but that is just my perspective, moving on. Susan has been with a number of guys before; I've known her for quite a while, although this is my best friend's first proper girlfriend. Mike was really happy because Susan was the first girl to properly show interest in him. Naturally, Mike has been getting quite nervous and scared lately because he doesn't want to lose her, obviously. But in the last week, Mike has been really struggling to deal with her hanging out with other guys. For instance, one of Mike's friends (we'll call him Tom), who is an ex of Susan, was hanging out with her and they got pretty drunk together, although nothing came of it because Susan and Tom are just great friends. However, Mike freaked out on her and eventually said he "didn't trust her" with other guys, and now they are on a break, and not the first, because Susan wants some degree of freedom, as anyone would.

      Moving back to Susan here as the story is more about her. Susan has often been in rather catastrophic relationships. Her previous two boyfriends, especially the last one, were rather abusive to her, both emotionally and physically. However, today Susan told me that she thinks the underlying problem is herself. She truly believes that she "brings out the worst in people", which is why Susan and Mike have already been on a break twice, according to her. I'll admit, Mike and myself have even been fighting as well, and we never used to, it is almost as if he has changed as a person because of all this drama. I told Susan a couple weeks ago how I felt about Mike's recent behaviour and how he has changed but she didn't see it, until today, ultimately agreeing with my perspective that he has changed. Now she thinks that she brings out the worst in people because all of her relationships are coated with a thick layer of trouble, but I don't know how to express to her that she doesn't do such a thing because I know she doesn't. I also don't know what to do about Mike as well because I don't want him to be affected by any of this. I also don't want to encourage they break up entirely, but they are constantly fighting now and it's really affecting my friendships with both Mike and Susan. I also don't want to sound like an asshole, although I know that them breaking up will stop all this drama and not make Susan question her personality.


      Hopefully other people will see this and we could get a discussion going. I realise that this is also my first forum post as well so if you have any tips as to how I could improve this for future reference that would be fantastic!

      Thanks,

      BellSwingsBothWays

    • First of all, I think that Mike has to relax about Susan hanging around with other guys, it's going to happen and he can't stop that. He needs to stop worrying because all it does is cause problems - I know from experience, I used to get really worried about my boyfriend spending time with girls at his school but it would just cause arguments. I think if he relaxes about that, and realises that Susan is obviously with him because she likes him then it will be a bit easier.

      Secondly, the fact that Mike 'doesn't trust her' isn't good - trust is a VERY important part in a relationship. If they want it to work then they'll both need to trust each other.

      Thirdly, Susan shouldn't blame herself for the behaviour of others. Nothing she had, or could have, done would cause people to be abusive - some people are just like that naturally, it won't matter who they're with, it sucks I know, but they are. SHE SHOULD NOT BLAME HERSELF.

      It also sounds like Mike's change in behaviour is simply because of all the stress he's going through - you said before that he didn't want to lose Susan and, in my opinion, it seems like he's scared that he's going to, what with being on their second break. It sounds like they need to talk to each other about their issues and come to an agreement - either overcome the jealousy on Mike's side and the negative thoughts about herself on Susan's side, or they break up for good. Hopefully the first one, I'm not saying I want them to break up, but it sounds like it could be an unhappy relationship if it continues the way it is, and nobody wants that.

      I hope this helps, and welcome to TeenHut :)

    • Well you realize that it is Mike & Susan that need to figure out what they want and if they stick together or break up.
      You have done your bit and tried. Now it is time for you to step in the background and let them work things out.
      The chips will fall where they may. Mike & Susan need time and space to work things out for themselves.