The last two or so years of my life were very tricky, as was under extreme stress from exams and went through a short period of undiagnosed bulimia which I recovered from late last year. However, despite struggling with those personal issues, my day to day life wasn't affected, yes I felt very down and unhappy a lot of the time, but i kept it well hidden and didn't have any physical signs of depression like insomnia or appetite loss. I was and remain successful at school, have nice friends and a loving family, enjoy sports and music ect. But things just weren't and still aren't quite right.
Now i'm at a time where there isn't anything that should be causing me to be unhappy, and its not even that i'm sad, it's just that things still don't feel right and nothing sums up. I can laugh, smile, have fun, get excited, have a great time with my friends. No one could ever tell that anything was up. And despite not thinking about it or being affected by it every day, there always seems to be a little sort of nudging feeling that things are just not right. I feel so confused a lot of the time, when i'm alone in particular, about my life and who I am and I question why i can't just get on with it without this nagging feeling. Most of the time, despite forgetting about it, I feel foggy and kind of dream like and I almost feel as if my emotions are a bit more dulled. I normally have very low self-esteem.
One day I feel fine, the next day I just don't. That's what I find the hardest about it-when i'm feeling a little lighter I just rationally view it and tell myself; there isn't any way I could be depressed, because hey, I feel totally normal right now. But then suddenly, out of no where, I will have a few days where I won't have that same bright perspective. I will feel a bit dull and foggy, a bit off. And then there's the days where i really do feel awful-unmotivated to do anything, socially withdrawn, self-hating, unable to put time into perspective, foggy, lost and confused. These days appear before I get my period (PMS) and I have been to the doctor to tell her that I feel "awful" during these times, so she suggested the pill, I dismissed it and that was that, forget about it, try and move on with life.
The truth is, I'm dying to move on with my life. I feel like I need to snap out of this weird thing i'm going through but no matter how hard i try, I can't. It's the fact that I still can be and often am happy, excited, optimistic but the way I experience these things is totally different to how it once was, when I was normal.
There's a day to day hidden but frequently appearing sense of confusion about absolutely everything, a constant light sort of fogginess, frequent dulled emotions, a lack of understanding about anything or why i feel like this. I always think back to when i was younger and realise that back then, I never felt like this for even one day. I just felt like myself, without confusion or questioning, without fogginess, I cried when I was sad about something and when I was happy, i was truly happy. But for the last 2 years, I haven't felt like myself-I'm more like a distant ghost of myself.
So, I guess my question is, what the hell is going on here? I'm a functioning human being, I think rationally, I can achieve, my life should be just fine. But I'm confused. Why why why do I feel confused?
Now i'm at a time where there isn't anything that should be causing me to be unhappy, and its not even that i'm sad, it's just that things still don't feel right and nothing sums up. I can laugh, smile, have fun, get excited, have a great time with my friends. No one could ever tell that anything was up. And despite not thinking about it or being affected by it every day, there always seems to be a little sort of nudging feeling that things are just not right. I feel so confused a lot of the time, when i'm alone in particular, about my life and who I am and I question why i can't just get on with it without this nagging feeling. Most of the time, despite forgetting about it, I feel foggy and kind of dream like and I almost feel as if my emotions are a bit more dulled. I normally have very low self-esteem.
One day I feel fine, the next day I just don't. That's what I find the hardest about it-when i'm feeling a little lighter I just rationally view it and tell myself; there isn't any way I could be depressed, because hey, I feel totally normal right now. But then suddenly, out of no where, I will have a few days where I won't have that same bright perspective. I will feel a bit dull and foggy, a bit off. And then there's the days where i really do feel awful-unmotivated to do anything, socially withdrawn, self-hating, unable to put time into perspective, foggy, lost and confused. These days appear before I get my period (PMS) and I have been to the doctor to tell her that I feel "awful" during these times, so she suggested the pill, I dismissed it and that was that, forget about it, try and move on with life.
The truth is, I'm dying to move on with my life. I feel like I need to snap out of this weird thing i'm going through but no matter how hard i try, I can't. It's the fact that I still can be and often am happy, excited, optimistic but the way I experience these things is totally different to how it once was, when I was normal.
There's a day to day hidden but frequently appearing sense of confusion about absolutely everything, a constant light sort of fogginess, frequent dulled emotions, a lack of understanding about anything or why i feel like this. I always think back to when i was younger and realise that back then, I never felt like this for even one day. I just felt like myself, without confusion or questioning, without fogginess, I cried when I was sad about something and when I was happy, i was truly happy. But for the last 2 years, I haven't felt like myself-I'm more like a distant ghost of myself.
So, I guess my question is, what the hell is going on here? I'm a functioning human being, I think rationally, I can achieve, my life should be just fine. But I'm confused. Why why why do I feel confused?