I'm Bored of Life as I Know It Right Now

    • I'm Bored of Life as I Know It Right Now

      In which everything I want to do is overshadowed by a crippling sense of morality.

      I don't know at what point it occurred to me that I have no zeal for a lot of the things occurring in my everyday life. I want to cry but nothing I can do will bring those tears and the emotional release. I think its because I used to be a huge crybaby and now I've been repressing tears for so long. Moving on, I have the overwhelming desire to do something exciting. Smoke weed. Huff glue. Sneak out at three a.m. I don't know — just something. Mostly, I want to start back cutting, because, however bad it is, I feel it is less life threatening than inhalant abuse, which I'm nearing every single day at school when I open the white-out bottle to correct a mistake in my notebook.

      I don't know when these feelings started, but it might have happened after my father had a heart attack at the same time I was coming to terms with my sexuality and consulting a trusty razor blade when I didn't like my own answers to questions I asked myself. Also, I think I am a horrible person, sometimes, but I've been thinking that way for years, now.

      I might be depressed but I absolutely hate that word. I am just aware that I am consistently tired, have a fluctuating appetite, a wicked knack for self-deprecation and next to no ambition to continue to try at school. At least I'm keeping the sharp objects away. I'm trying to be a better person, you know?

      I apologize for taking up your time with this post that I don't think means anything, but I needed to get this out of my system.
      1. Feels like I'm never gonna learn how to love myself X/
      Randomly like Sunday night/Monday morning I started thinking about death and panicking about it
      Since then I've been thinking about it practically nonstop and it's making me anxious and depressed and I've had a hard time eating because I just feel nervous & sad

      Randomly last night I woke up from a dream (I don't even remember anymore) but it put me in a really good mood and I just felt less anxious. I'm just trying not to think about it anymore cause constantly googling about it was making me feel worse.
    • also about the depression thing: when I was reading about it, I read that if you're thinking about death so much and all that then it's likely stemming from depression/anxiety. I can definitely say that I'm an anxious person and feeling lonely a lot of the time has made me on & off depressed. I would suggest just finding things you love to occupy your time so you don't have time to even think about this kinda stuff, or go out and do something fun like shopping, some kind of activity, etc.
      It's also good to talk to someone. I've been talking to my mom about my thoughts and anxieties and it's definitely helped me hearing her being calm and less worrisome about it than I am.
      Seriously good luck, hopefully we can both stop thinking about it cause it's no fun!!
    • First off, your post absolutely does mean something, and I do not think now, nor then that you were a cry baby! You have clearly expressed, in your post, how deep your hurt must go and I think that was absolutely commendable that you felt you could trust us on this forum with such a deep letter. I want to assure you that first of all, I care about you more than you realize. When I read your letter, it absolutely brought tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart that you are feeling so sad. I wish I could be there to talk to you in person, and even more than talk, I wish I could be there with you in person just to remain silent and to listen. It sounds to me like that is right now what you long for more than anything... is someone just to hear you, and to listen. I assure you that I am listenning! I'll keep this brief, I promise, but can I tell you a very very short story? I think it might help. I have a friend who once lived in Israel. This friend of mine was such a loving man! He did so much for me, even when I was feeling much like you. He has given me such motivation to want to help others including you. Though I cannot offer you everything that he told me, I'd like to tell you about this guy. If you'd like, I'd be happy to happy to introduce you to him, as he lives with me, and could talk to you as well, if you're comfortable with it. But let me tell you more first about him. As I said, he lived in Israel for the first 30 or so years of his life. He had no home back there, and therefore had to be taken from person to person's home. The problem was, he was out on the streets a lot, not as a gang member or anything, but just homeless in general, as he had nowhere to lay his head at night. Not many people wanted much to do with him. The few, like me, who did cared so deeply about him. I wasn't born when he lived in Israel, but he has told me much about it. Anyway, long story short, people tried to kill him, though they were unsuccessful, they called him really bad names, they mocked him, they bullied him, when he was hungry, no one in his city gave him food, you get the point. Yet, this is just the type person he was then, and still is today: he forgave everyone who wronged him. Eventually, he wrongfully got in trouble with the law, and was arrested. Though the judge could find nothing to sentence him for, he was made to do so anyway, as everyone in the city outraged saying they wanted him not only arrested, but for all the hate they had toward him, they wanted him dead. So, you can imagine, this poor man had to have felt some of the same pain which you now are going through. I know this sounds depressing, but hear me out. There is a happy ending! Remember that I said he now lives with me? He's not in Israel anymore. Anyway, he saw how much people hated him... hated each other... hated his family... hated his father... From what I'm told, his final sentence was to be put to death. Despite all he'd done to love the people in his community, serving them the best food, the best wine, his friends b betraied him. The only friends at that time he had. Thanks to them, they had him sentenced... Well, there was something very unique though about this man that I haven't yet told you, which brings me to the happy ending. he loved me, he loved all the ppeople in his cummunity, and you know what, friend? He even still loves you! This friend I'm talking about? Well, in Israel, when he lived there, he lived in Jeruselem. How did he manage to escape his sentence and come here? My friend, he didn't escape! He was made to die in front of the croud, shedding his blood, and very torturously suffering on a cross to take place for the punnishment that should have been given to everyone in the city... and you know what? To all of us! None of us are perfect. I'm not, just as you're not. The only person on this earth who was perfect was my friend. But we can be friends with him forever, and even get to know his family, his father, etc. You can know him face to face even! Not just online! He lives here with me, no, not in the flesh, if by now you've not figured it out, but he lives in my heart. And I know, that when I die, I'll see him, and will spend eternity with him. The one friend who died for me, died for his city, and, yes... even is such a friend, and loves even you! so much, that he died even for you! The wage for the things we do here is death, but he conquered that for all of us. That said however, he doesn't force any of us to be his friend. It's totally up to us. He pleeds with us, but that doesn't mean he forces it. All we need to do to gain his friendship is to believe in him. What's even cooler is, did you know that he did die, but 3 days later, he actually rose from the grave? I know that sounds stupid! Prepostorous! Idiotic! Mentally crazy! This guy writing this to you is a quack! I promise you though, I agree with you! I don't understand it. We weren't meant to though! None of us were! But, regardless if he rose again or not. If someone truely did die for you in your place, wouldn't you want to at least pay them the respect to know them more? Wouldn't you at least want to spend time with them? I know I sure would! No one says we have to understand how, or why he was able to rise from the dead. This isn't even a horror story! It's a story of redemption! His blood has set you free, me free, everyone who chooses to believe in him, and that he did die for us on that cross, that he did! suffer in our place. That he loves me, he loves you! everyone in this forum! he loves all of us so so much, that his father, gave him! my friend, his father's only son! that whosoever believes in him shall not parish, but have ever-lasting life spent for eternity living with him! Though we may die here on earth, w once we believe, and accept his friendship into our hearts, that's all it takes. You don't have to be good, you don't have to do everything right. You never will achieve that doing everything right. None of us will. :) We're not perfect! We're not meant to never do wrong! It's not how we're created! But you know what? That's O, K! I know that this thread is gonna probably get me banned from here, but please! it's worth my bannishment! If I can bring at least one person to know this friend, that, to me, would be the most joyous day of my life! Please! I beg of you, my friend! I know right now you're hurting! Really I do! It's so hard going through battles like this, but my friend, Jesus! wants to hold you in his arms. He wants to love you, and dry your tears you need so much to cry. Let go, my friend! Let go! Let go, and give your pain to God the Father. Believe in the cross, and taste the mercy and love/grace that he can, and will give you once you believe, and accept him in your heart. All you have to do is pray, and simply just say wherever you are now, you may not physically see him, but he's here right now, and he's listenning, I promise! Just say to him, Lord Jesus, I know I'm a sinner. I know I have gone astray in the past. Right now, Jesus, I'm giving my life to you. I'm surrenderring all I am, all I've done, at your feet, and all my past I now believe you can take away, and heal. I believe in you. Come into my heart, and save me! May I never be lost from knowing you as a friend again! I'm praying for you, my friend, and though I may never see the outcome of this, I can't wait to see you on the other side, where there will be no more pain, no more hurt, no more sufferring, no need to want to self-cut, because there is an escape from all this, but it's not cutting with raizor blades, as you now know. It's through the one who really can save you for eternity, and who can give you more love than you ever! ever! can comprehend. If you want to PM me to hear more about this friend, I'd love to discuss it with you more! If not though, there is no pressure. I'm not gonna write any more to you, I promise, about this, unless you take the next initiative publicly or privately. If I get banned for posting this here? Well, so be it! I am willing to take that risk. Yes. I care about you that much, that I'm willing to sacrifice my membership and get myself banned. I care more about you than a silly little forum! What matters to me is your happiness! That's what truely matters! I care about your salvation! Please let God heal your broken heart! I promise you, if you at least give him a chance, he will do so! I know you probably don't think so, but you've got to trust him! Blessings to you, my friend, and again, know that I am praying for life to get better for you! I'm again, so sorry you're feeling like you do. If there is anything at all I can do, please PM me up here and let me know. I really mean it from the bottom of my heart!
    • Well here's something I could suggest to overcome boredom. It can give you pride and high satisfaction too. Gardening. I will just pin point some Do's and Don'ts of Gardening for the first timers that I came across in a garden soil suppliers blog article.
      Gardening is one of the most relaxing hobbies that I can develop. Digging in the soil, planting something, and watching it grow gives many people a sense of pride and accomplishment. The tips mentioned can make sure our garden stands all season long.
      The Do’s
      1. Soil Prep: Soil needs to be prepared to accept new flowers or shrubs.This step is pretty important during your first foray into garden.
      2. pH Balance: Knowing the pH level in soil can help plant the correct plants. The testing kit can be purchased at nurseries.
      3. Mulch: These will help keep the temperature of plant roots constant and keep moisture around them.
      4. Water: Plants should be getting an inch of water a week and completely saturating the soil will ensure water reaches to the roots.
      The Don’ts
      1. Placing Bulbs in wrong Area: Some plants require shades, while the others prefer sun. Planting them in the wrong area may mean they will not thrive.
      2. Using Herbicides: Herbicides help stop the weeds, but they might also effect the flowers.
      3. Wet soil: The structure of garden may get messed up when working with wet soil.
      4. Too much of soil work: If overworked with the soil, like trying to break them down into smaller chunks etc, add things like compost or fertilizers as different types and sizes of soils help keep the nutrients and water feeding the plants.

      Hope this fun activity helps you and others interested. :)
      Robert Small :) 8)
    • Alright, so after a year, this was revived. And I have to admit: I was shocked. I blocked this entire time out of my mind and this reminded me of it, but I needed that so I could acknowledge that I'm better now. However, there is one thing that I cannot fail to mention. Monday morning when I woke up, checked my phone and saw this reply in an email. I read the entire post by pianomagic and was touched so I felt compelled to give an update. Then I had one of my roughest mornings in a long time and this was almost prophetic: the supply of support in a hard time.

      Aside from that, I'd like to say that I'm not the shell I was a year ago. I've moved and begun high school where I'm making friends and I love my teachers. I have a girlfriend who loves me for who I am and I'm in control of myself. I won't deny that the urge to do something drastic rears it's ugly head every once in a while but I'm alright.

      I want to give say thank you for taking the time to try to tell a person you've never met that things will get better, because they have and they will.

      I'm away from most everything that put me in that hole I was in, though I'm not saying the moral of the story is to run from your problems. It's to find ways to overcome them. It's a work in progress.

      I'm leaving this thread for anyone to come and get the advice you offered me. :D
      1. Feels like I'm never gonna learn how to love myself X/