Need some support and motivation,

    • Need some support and motivation,

      Ok so I've made a few posts here and there on this forum showing my happy and crazy sexual side but now I'm gonna have to introduce my other side of my personality and mentality...
      I'm suicidal to the point where every day is a tough battle to make it through the entire day, fall asleep and wake up alive the next day.

      I harm myself in sick ways, to punish myself for the disgusting things I've been through. Raped first time at age 10. Group-raped at age 12. Raped again, again and again at age 13 (twice), 15 and 16 (twice).
      Most of the times were by a current boyfriend. The group-rape happened at a party I went to, was drinking that early and wasn't difficult to pretend to be older than 12 for drunk guys. Did it for the free alcohol. Drank to not kill myself for what happened when I was 10. Will not talk about that.
      Nowadays I care alot more about myself and my life so I'm alot more careful with drinking and parties. Before it was like I didn't care if I got raped at the next party I planned on going to, as long as I got to get wasted. It was like i expected it, and therefore not realizing I was actually raped all those times. Have been denying it until recently.

      But what the hell should I do... Feel disgusting. Want to kill myself in the most brutal way I can come up with. Every day, I feel like that, unless I'm drunk or high. I'm abusing drugs as much as I am alcohol. I'm also abusing sex and I think i'm addicted to it, because of what I've been through. Been to hundreds of different psychologists, therapy stuff etc but I can't talk about this stuff in front of a stranger and have never gotten any help.

      I do not want any advice from men thinking they know how I feel. Because you don't and you never will know how this feels, because you're a man.
      Just want advice on strategies to keep it together for a couple of more days. Stuff to think about. Put my thoughts on. I'm about to get physically addicted to opiates, so I guess that's what I need help breaking. Dont even know if drug-use is allowed to discuss here so sorry if it is not.

      Good night, writing this shit took up my last energy for today. Sorry for fucked up post. Feel extremely hard knowing people will read this and have opinions.
      Feeling really confused now so yeah would just appreciate any kind of compassion, advice, motivating pep-talk, etc.
    • Hello, I may not understand what you going through but I have been suicidal before due some messy issues and addictions I had. The more I thought about those issues the more suicidal I become. I couldn't talk to anyone about it and posted it online where I knew I wasn't gonna be known. I decided to let go of the past and focus on the future, I did this by changing my pattern of thoughts and also fought addiction by changing my friends and whole idea of using phone. Sex is a great thing but just like you said can be misused and abuse but you posting this on Teenhut shows you believe deep inside that suicide is not an option, it is just a coward act to avoid a prolem and believe me miss you are not alone...Just stay strong and avoid thing about the problems to much. Thanksi