some stuff about me and how sad i am lol

    • some stuff about me and how sad i am lol

      hi everyone. i'm new here but i thought i'd just get right into it. i'm 17 years old, born and raised in canada. i feel alone most of the time.
      i'd say that my anxiety started in grade 4 and depression in grade 6. i started cutting on and off since grade 7. i also started therapy at that time because my parents had just split up. things were relatively okay until grade 10 when some friends left me. i stayed inside all the time, isolating. one day my mom was out of town so i invited a couple people over. we smoked weed under the deck. the one girl kept pushing me to do more and i ended up getting way to high and started hearing things and seeing myself outside my body. i had smoked before so i wonder if it's an interaction with the anti depressants i was taking at the time. anyways, after that i started to remember things about my childhood. trauma related things. i completely broke down. a couple months after i ended up in the hospital for three weeks, then a second time three weeks after that for a suicide attempt. after my second admission my psychiatrist started suspecting i had bipolar 2 disorder. until last spring i pretty much had no friends, but ended up getting to know a girl at my school who introduced me to a few new people. i would consider her my best friend. things are still pretty up and down. a few days ago i attempted again and ended up in the er. the psychiatrist there thinks i have borderline personality disorder. it makes so much sense. the fear of abandonment, rapid mood swings, self harm, etc.
      i'm scared. i don't want this disorder or any disorder for that matter. so i thought i'd come here.
      i'm currently struggling with this new diagnoses, friends and some other stuff like trying to quit smoking. thanks to whoever reads this, and if you feel like replying, no matter what the reply is, please do.
      in a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy.
    • Wow! My first impression is: you are so brave for having gone through so much at such a young age! I'm so glad you're under a doctor's care. There are so many organizations, qualified people who care. And they're there for people such as yourself, who have gone through so much.

      Of course you're scared - that's perfectly normal. Please don't give up. What you've gone through helps you to be a more understanding, compassionate person. Possibly you'll be able to help others, one day. :)

      I'm so glad you're trying to quit smoking. Please try to get lots of rest as well as exercise, drink lots of fluids and eat a well-balanced diet, etc. It can really help, along with any medication you may be taking or any counseling you may be undergoing.
      Please also check out any support groups in your area. You're not alone - there are others who are going through what you're going through. I'll keep you in my prayers. :saint: Hugs. :freehugs:
      Free from:
      smashwords.com/books/view/938595
      ~~ Happy Day. ~~ :hugs:
    • Sapling,

      Firstly, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I hope you never feel alone. You don't deserve to...the world NEEDS you <3<3<3. You don't believe that now, but you will. Being a teenager is some of the rockiest sh*t to go through in itself y'know!!! Highschool is all wierd, everyones growing up and being nasty immature little snots to each other. Messed up bullies with their own problems...etc etc. Sorry, I'm an adult and man MOST adults are so much friendlier to each other despite any differences they have.

      Anyways once you're out of high school you'll be free from that crap part of life. And just want you to know that you're doing all the right things for yourself by seeking help. I truly hope that your parents are paying for you to see a professional psychologist - someone educated and that you can talk to. And if they can't afford it, make sure you seek out school counselors/soak up every community resource there is.

      My older sister HAD bipolar disorder. That's right, HAD. It was really hard to live with. Being her younger sister I didn't understand the moodswings, the violent behaviour, the rage, the lack of boundaries, the inability to have anybody get close to her (so she would annoyingly follow me and my friends around). I hated her because she beat me down everyday and was very cruel to me...I was a kid and I did't give a f*ck what was wrong with her, I just wanted to be free from her abuse - she ruled the household, my parent's were helpless, stressed, didn't know what to do. She was a nightmare. And I was a child.

      What I DIDN'T know is that she was incredibly lonely, insecure, suffering from depression, rage, anxiety, self hate & a lot of things I didn't understand. She ended up in an institution for self harm as well. My mother suspected incidents in her childhood related to man that was a neighbour-my sister told the psychiatrists there about flashbacks which confirmed what my mom suspected. As a preteen another incident had happened (not as severe) but it triggered memories/flashbacks and trauma for my sister. She never told my parents this, she told the psychologist/psychiatrist. They diagnosed her with BorderlinePD.

      If I wasn't a child I would have said to her, and am saying this to YOU now:

      "Your not like other kids. Other kids can f*ck around with drugs, be idi*ts. But you've got enough to deal with. You've got enough drama. And your wayyyy behind on self care and self LOVE (again not your fault) and your worth every bit of those things. You don't even know, you have NO IDEA. NOOO IDEA!!! Have you ever met someone like that? Maybe a child or an adult or other teen, that has NO idea what their worth is? How funny/smart/sweet/capable/creative they are? And you wanted to shake them up and just have them KNOW it & BELIEVE it??? That person is you. You don't feel it, but that's who you truly are behind all of this sh*t that's hurt you -- you're perfectly normal, perfectly worthy, perfectly love-able--you just have this disorder which is a VERY NORMAL response TO SOME SH*T THAT HAPPENED TO YOU that was NOT YOUR FAULT. And alllll the ugliness that you feel has NOTHING to do with YOU. All the uglyness, the darkness is theirs (the scum, the rot, the vermin - that did whatever they did to you). IT IS NOT YOURS. The symptoms, the feelings-- are very real, very intense BUT IT'S NOT YOURS. You're a f*cking survivor. Be proud of that! Jeez, Be proud of every day you get out of bed in the morning!! AND SO MUCH MORE!!"

      My sister went into foster care in her late teens (she didn't want to live at home). Her journey was tough, she was expelled from high school. Never graduated. In her 20's she hung out with a group of people here, a group of people there -- she was trying to find somewhere that she "belonged". A very NATURAL and perfectly NORMAL desire that every human has and needs. She started going to raves...she did some drugs which didn't help her situation at all...Anyways I'm rambling on and on...she came back home from foster care for a bit, then went back to stealing, abusing my parents etc...until they FINALLY put there foot down and kicked her out. Kicking her out was the best thing they ever did for her. It scared the crap out of her, she fleed to my older cousins and stayed with them. My cousins are really great people and were able to reach her in ways that my parents couldn't--despite all their efforts.

      My cousins literally surrounded her with love. She had an opportunity to 'start over'. They told her everyday that she was amazing -she slipped up here and there- but not too much bc she was dependent on them--they still surrounded her with love, encouragement, compassion...repeated it over and over and OVER how ever many times it took,in all different ways, how much she was worth...HUGGED HER (she never wanted hugs from my parents)...she was surrounded by their friends (who were all fun, positive,kind people) it took time...but she was surrounded in this clean environment with positive different people and I know that every day she got better and better, and throughout the years SHE CHANGED. She still gets a bit of anxiety, but explains to me that it's so different now because she has people she can talk to and be open about it with, she can cope--it's different.

      Funny thing is that I suffer from depression & anxiety here and there now (no disorders), but it's made me closer to my sister. I hated her for so many years, now SHE kind of mentors ME. She literally "grew out of" borderline personality disorder. She's in her 30's now and says she's so glad she made it to "see the other side". She's a very sweet person. And quite hilarious too, lol! It's nice to get to know her now - adult to adult - we can really be sisters now. TAKE every bit of support you need, she had a few Youth and Childcare Workers (at the local teen centre) that also helped her when she was at her worst. If any family members or your parents...whoever are supportive, soak all you can up from them. Find a good non-judgemental listener you trust that will just let you talk. And will just listen.

      SHE'S A SURVIVOR and SO ARE YOU! You're so strong, there are so many others like you (they don't scream it out loud because of the stigma), but they're all around us --with depression, anxiety, bipolar, adhd...etc etc. And for those that "don't get it" f*ck 'em, lol! Mental illness is real and you are needed <3 <3 <3 !!!