A Random Assortment

    • A Random Assortment

      HOLIDAY PUNS

      I know a man, his name is Lang,
      And he has a neon sign.
      And Mister Lang is very old,
      So they call it Old Lang's Sign.
      (Alan Sherman)

      What brings a big smile to a ram's face?
      Happy Ewe Near! (Johann von Haupkopf)

      Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to
      rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a
      chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made
      an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive
      about his looks. However it wasn’t his glowing proboscis that he
      wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given
      Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which
      were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or
      bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good
      doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that
      time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.

      Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together
      for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
      Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an
      influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: "Let
      Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"

      RIDDLES

      Did you hear about the street-corner artist?
      He had no trouble drawing a large crowd.

      What do you call a temperamental poodle?
      A hot dog

      Why did the karate expert wear a black belt?
      To keep his pants up.

      Did you hear about the class bully who was thrown out of the library?
      He was hitting the books too hard.

      What is a kidnapper?
      A sleeping child

      What does a car say when it gets parked in a tight space?
      That was tiring

      PUNS

      Never put both your feet in your mouth at the same time... you'll
      have no leg to stand on!

      To get a wig, bald men have toupee a lot of money

      A nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm
      diabetic and I'm afraid I took too much insulin today," she said.
      "Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked. "No," the caller
      answered, "I'm a brunette."

      I tried to kiss her but she’d have none of my lip (Henny Youngman).

      I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
      couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the
      steaks are too high." (Tommy Cooper)

      GROANERS

      A guy was applying for unemployment benefits claiming he couldn't
      find work because he was disabled. The clerk told him he needed to
      file for social security assistance and sent him there, where they
      asked him what was his disability. "I'm having trouble with my eyes,"
      the man says. "I can't see myself going to work."

      There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services
      each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for
      those who liked traditional worship. One for those who'd lost their
      faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had
      bad experiences with churches and were complaining about it. They
      have names for each of the services: FINDERS, KEEPERS, LOSERS, WEEPERS

      A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and
      one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until
      the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up
      to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that
      lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's
      a giraffe."

      OTHER HUMOR

      There's a fire at a circus. A man
      Sees the flames and devises a plan.
      The heat is in tents,
      The pressure immense.
      He is doing asbestos he can.
      (Kirk Miller)

      Racket: What you do before the break in pool

      Cotton: These new fashions haven't COTTON with teenagers. (Cynthia
      MacGregor)

      Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
      "Destructive Pests." A large number were present.
      [CENTER][SIZE=4]Thou art I and I am thou. From the sea of thy soul, I cometh. I am Orpheus, master of strings.
      [/SIZE] [/CENTER]