Ok. First we can start this out by why i even started questioning my sexuality.
I liked this guy last year, I started liking him I dont know why. He was really cute to me, hes not "typically hot" ,as in, all my girl friends didnt agree that he was that hot. I somehow just loved the way he acted and looked everything about him. I didnt know him though. Lol. Im very shy, not that good with people anyway. Ive always been more shy towards guys though, just because i have never had close guy friends, never been too close with any guys, i dont know why. It just has always been. So anyway, a friend mentioned me to him, and apparently he really wanted to meet me. Last yr i was about a bajillion times more shy and self concious then now. I am not extremly outgoing/confident, but more than i was then. Anyhow, first thought for me was like "wow. why would a guy like me?" lol. I ended up meeting him and it was so weird but I was SO intimidated by him. Everything isaid around him i was scared id mess up, say something stupid, whatever. I would just get so shy and quiet around him, the real me never came out. Hes very loud and outgoing. The real me isnt as loud and outgoing as him, but im much more friendly and lively, even tho im chill/laidback, i love to talk and have a good time, but around him i wasnt anything. i was just scared. so one day he asked me out, i said yes, and we went on a date this one day. it was ok. i was very shy, but at the same time when hed do things like hold my hand, or kiss me i really liked it. it was the scariest thing, but i felt something. but the uncomfortablness of it got in the way. anyway, we broke up and now we basically never talk.
I started thinking myabe i am so shy around some boys is because sexually i am not that into them. Its kind of true. Ever since I was little, and to some ppl this might basically flash "GAY" but its more complex than that, lmao. Ever scine i was young, ive masturbated. Probably around 6 or so, younger than most girls, and certainly more often than most girls, id masturbate. Anyway, first it was just me touching and feeling things, no visual things involved. Than one day i started thinking about hot girls, posing/doing things for guys. A guy was always somehow involved, but there was always most of the attention on a girl, with like perfect breasts, and a nice body, who was completely nude and very horny. I guess to anyone, even a straight girl, that screams out sex. Generally i never even thought about any intercourse, but just the girl posing. Eventually as i got older id think about like a guy having intercourse with her, or her playing with a dildo. but still, generally the emphasis was on the girl.
I only really realised this last year, and it devastated me. I thought "I DONT WANT TO BE GAY" but when i got passed that. I had this whole moment of feeling like the happiest person in the world, cause i accepted i was gay, and that i just liked girls. But all of a sudden, i realised.. I have never felt that way about any girl i kno. I have always found breasts interesting and attractive, on any girl, and other girl parts, etc, but never have i actually LIKED/CRUSHED on a girl. I started looking at girls who were like "by definition" hot. And trying to crush on them. TRYING to like LIKE them alot. TRYING to like them the way i "HAD" liked boys. The way i "had" liked boys, and i still do like boys, is just thinking about hanging out with them, obsessing over their facial features, cute eyes, cute mannerism, their sense of humor, etc etc. I could think about them ALL day. I have always had crushes on boys. I have never been tho sexually attracted to a boy up until that boy last year, when i was with him, id feel things, get turned on, etc, but yet i was very scared. Only up until recently, ive never thought about sex with aguy. Ive thought about there features, like "oh he has the nicest eyes" and mouth, and face, and the way he walks, and talks, and tells jokes. Etc etc. i can think about those things to no end, i have been turned on by a guy, but yet the idea of fully having sex with a guy doesnt really appeal to me. I mean, im sure itll feel good, lol, but its more than that. It just feels like... idk. Intimidating. I get anxious thinking about it.
With a girl, i feel like im sexually attracted. I am more tho sexually attracted to the idea of a girl. I think about the things I used to masturbate about, really hot unrealistic porn star girls, who SCREAM sex. But not any girls i kno in person, i dont think about any girls i kno in person in the way i do the boys i crush on like, like "oh shes so cute" "oh her eyes are so pretty" yadda yadda yadda.
Anyway, its hard because all im looking at is the physical/visual things. I crush on guys, not on girls, but generally i dont have any big emotional connections with anybody, that can lead me to tie more feelings into any of my crushes. I guess you could say its because im a pretty shy person, i have a bunch of girl friends, but yet i dont like any of them in that way and i dont have crushes on any of them. I dont all that many friends ethier, and random guys always like me but im like uh no, because i dont really kno u, and they always wanna jump to being more than friends right away. I think some of my girl friends are attractive, but it cant go further than that. Like when i was thinking i was a 100 percent lesbian, i was like trying to make myself have feelings for some of them, but i just didnt have strong feelings. I cant see myself with any of them. But also, many guys intimidate me.
I feel like also the fact that i masturbated young and kind of like had the idea that a really really hot perfect chick was like the epitomy of sex, could be the reason why i hate my body, and not find most people's bodies all that attractive visually. I kno sex and attraction, but mostly love, isnt all about visual sex appeal, but its like the masturbation has kinda made me think like that.
I just dont know what i am right now. I try to just do things that make me forget about it. What mostly bothers me though, is that like there is this one guy around i see and he's really cute and funny. I just like his presence, but its almost like i try not to go for him, or chill with him, or think about him, cause i think i might be a lesbian. But that makes no sense right? Ah. I dont know, this is just my sexual discovery story. And i just want some help from maybe others who have gone through this. It has been killing me for the past months. I dont want sexuality to matter so much to me, but whenever i forget about, it somehow comes up again.
What do you guys think? Any advice? Opinions? Thanks for reading
I liked this guy last year, I started liking him I dont know why. He was really cute to me, hes not "typically hot" ,as in, all my girl friends didnt agree that he was that hot. I somehow just loved the way he acted and looked everything about him. I didnt know him though. Lol. Im very shy, not that good with people anyway. Ive always been more shy towards guys though, just because i have never had close guy friends, never been too close with any guys, i dont know why. It just has always been. So anyway, a friend mentioned me to him, and apparently he really wanted to meet me. Last yr i was about a bajillion times more shy and self concious then now. I am not extremly outgoing/confident, but more than i was then. Anyhow, first thought for me was like "wow. why would a guy like me?" lol. I ended up meeting him and it was so weird but I was SO intimidated by him. Everything isaid around him i was scared id mess up, say something stupid, whatever. I would just get so shy and quiet around him, the real me never came out. Hes very loud and outgoing. The real me isnt as loud and outgoing as him, but im much more friendly and lively, even tho im chill/laidback, i love to talk and have a good time, but around him i wasnt anything. i was just scared. so one day he asked me out, i said yes, and we went on a date this one day. it was ok. i was very shy, but at the same time when hed do things like hold my hand, or kiss me i really liked it. it was the scariest thing, but i felt something. but the uncomfortablness of it got in the way. anyway, we broke up and now we basically never talk.
I started thinking myabe i am so shy around some boys is because sexually i am not that into them. Its kind of true. Ever since I was little, and to some ppl this might basically flash "GAY" but its more complex than that, lmao. Ever scine i was young, ive masturbated. Probably around 6 or so, younger than most girls, and certainly more often than most girls, id masturbate. Anyway, first it was just me touching and feeling things, no visual things involved. Than one day i started thinking about hot girls, posing/doing things for guys. A guy was always somehow involved, but there was always most of the attention on a girl, with like perfect breasts, and a nice body, who was completely nude and very horny. I guess to anyone, even a straight girl, that screams out sex. Generally i never even thought about any intercourse, but just the girl posing. Eventually as i got older id think about like a guy having intercourse with her, or her playing with a dildo. but still, generally the emphasis was on the girl.
I only really realised this last year, and it devastated me. I thought "I DONT WANT TO BE GAY" but when i got passed that. I had this whole moment of feeling like the happiest person in the world, cause i accepted i was gay, and that i just liked girls. But all of a sudden, i realised.. I have never felt that way about any girl i kno. I have always found breasts interesting and attractive, on any girl, and other girl parts, etc, but never have i actually LIKED/CRUSHED on a girl. I started looking at girls who were like "by definition" hot. And trying to crush on them. TRYING to like LIKE them alot. TRYING to like them the way i "HAD" liked boys. The way i "had" liked boys, and i still do like boys, is just thinking about hanging out with them, obsessing over their facial features, cute eyes, cute mannerism, their sense of humor, etc etc. I could think about them ALL day. I have always had crushes on boys. I have never been tho sexually attracted to a boy up until that boy last year, when i was with him, id feel things, get turned on, etc, but yet i was very scared. Only up until recently, ive never thought about sex with aguy. Ive thought about there features, like "oh he has the nicest eyes" and mouth, and face, and the way he walks, and talks, and tells jokes. Etc etc. i can think about those things to no end, i have been turned on by a guy, but yet the idea of fully having sex with a guy doesnt really appeal to me. I mean, im sure itll feel good, lol, but its more than that. It just feels like... idk. Intimidating. I get anxious thinking about it.
With a girl, i feel like im sexually attracted. I am more tho sexually attracted to the idea of a girl. I think about the things I used to masturbate about, really hot unrealistic porn star girls, who SCREAM sex. But not any girls i kno in person, i dont think about any girls i kno in person in the way i do the boys i crush on like, like "oh shes so cute" "oh her eyes are so pretty" yadda yadda yadda.
Anyway, its hard because all im looking at is the physical/visual things. I crush on guys, not on girls, but generally i dont have any big emotional connections with anybody, that can lead me to tie more feelings into any of my crushes. I guess you could say its because im a pretty shy person, i have a bunch of girl friends, but yet i dont like any of them in that way and i dont have crushes on any of them. I dont all that many friends ethier, and random guys always like me but im like uh no, because i dont really kno u, and they always wanna jump to being more than friends right away. I think some of my girl friends are attractive, but it cant go further than that. Like when i was thinking i was a 100 percent lesbian, i was like trying to make myself have feelings for some of them, but i just didnt have strong feelings. I cant see myself with any of them. But also, many guys intimidate me.
I feel like also the fact that i masturbated young and kind of like had the idea that a really really hot perfect chick was like the epitomy of sex, could be the reason why i hate my body, and not find most people's bodies all that attractive visually. I kno sex and attraction, but mostly love, isnt all about visual sex appeal, but its like the masturbation has kinda made me think like that.
I just dont know what i am right now. I try to just do things that make me forget about it. What mostly bothers me though, is that like there is this one guy around i see and he's really cute and funny. I just like his presence, but its almost like i try not to go for him, or chill with him, or think about him, cause i think i might be a lesbian. But that makes no sense right? Ah. I dont know, this is just my sexual discovery story. And i just want some help from maybe others who have gone through this. It has been killing me for the past months. I dont want sexuality to matter so much to me, but whenever i forget about, it somehow comes up again.
What do you guys think? Any advice? Opinions? Thanks for reading
