My name's John and I'm 17-years old. I've been suffering from depression since I was about 11 or 12, but it's become really severe (suicidal thoughts) in the past year or so.
Here's why I'm depressed:
- I have a bad home life. I love my Mom to death, but it's a daily battle with her. She constantly bugs me about chores, contributing, etc. I just feel that anything I do is never good enough for her. My sister is a bitch. She sucks up to my Mom, and I have absolutely no respect for her. It sounds mean, but it's the truth. My Dad, deep down, is a good man but can come off as an ass hole. It's somewhat hard to talk with him, as I don't think he's very understanding, because he had a great childhood (popular, football star, in a band, etc.) The only person in my family who I think truly knows how I feel is my Uncle, but he lives about four or five hours away and is always traveling.
- Not many good friends. Don't get me wrong, I have a fair amount of friends, but only one good friend. And, as of late, he's been too busy with his girlfriend and never seems to want to hangout with me. I feel that I'll be without my only good friend in the future. Most of my other friends are just all into drugs and that kind of stuff. I've smoked weed and stuff, but they are absolutely in love with it. They just aren't the type of people that I could really have a serious conversation with.
- No girl friend. I'm so desperate to meet someone who will love me for me. Most girls I know just like guys because they have a six-pack or just other shallow reasons. And while I think that I'm a decent looking guy, I don't have a good body (not fat, though) and I won't be mistaken for being Brad Pitt. I haven't had sex or anything, and while I certainly want to experience that, I just want to experience love. If I could just meet a girl who I could talk about anything with, than I think that'd I'd be a much happier person.
- Nothing ever seems to go right. Seriously. I feel like I have the worst karma or something, even though I feel that I'm a good person. Sure, I've done bad things in the past that I regret, but I know horrible people and nothing bad ever seems to happen to them. From big goals I've had or to the littlest thing -- hardly anything seems to go right.
- I hate school. I've been recently kicked out for skipping too much. And while I'll likely have to repeat next year, I don't entirely regret it. I hated most of the kids there, most of the teachers, I can't pay attention (pretty sure I have ADD), and I simply don't care about half the things that I'm learning about. I feel that if I were a better student, my parents would be more proud of me, which would than make my home life a lot better.
There's more reasons as to why I'm depressed, but these are basically the main ones.
As I said before, I've become suicidal. I haven't attempted it yet, but some nights I just stay awake for hours just thinking about taking a rope and hanging myself. And as stupid as it may sound, I think the only reason I'm afraid of doing it is because of Hell. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I believe in Hell. If I just knew that I could begin a new life or go to a better place, there's a good chance I would have committed this act already. But I don't want my after-life to be worse than the time that I've spent alive. Yes, it may sound stupid to some of you, but it's how I feel.
In the past, though I was depressed, I thought that once I got out of this place, I could live on my own, have my dream job, meet a girl, have a lot of good friends. But, as of late, I feel that this may never happen. I don't know if I'll be able to do well enough in school to get a good job, and all of the girls I've met either didn't like me or things simply didn't work out. Why would things change? Once I realized all of this, that's when I became hopeless and somewhat suicidal.
Really, I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't know if I want to talk to one of you or not. Maybe I just wanted to let my feelings out. I don't know. Maybe someone could tell me what I should do or change.
Anyways, thanks for reading this.
Here's why I'm depressed:
- I have a bad home life. I love my Mom to death, but it's a daily battle with her. She constantly bugs me about chores, contributing, etc. I just feel that anything I do is never good enough for her. My sister is a bitch. She sucks up to my Mom, and I have absolutely no respect for her. It sounds mean, but it's the truth. My Dad, deep down, is a good man but can come off as an ass hole. It's somewhat hard to talk with him, as I don't think he's very understanding, because he had a great childhood (popular, football star, in a band, etc.) The only person in my family who I think truly knows how I feel is my Uncle, but he lives about four or five hours away and is always traveling.
- Not many good friends. Don't get me wrong, I have a fair amount of friends, but only one good friend. And, as of late, he's been too busy with his girlfriend and never seems to want to hangout with me. I feel that I'll be without my only good friend in the future. Most of my other friends are just all into drugs and that kind of stuff. I've smoked weed and stuff, but they are absolutely in love with it. They just aren't the type of people that I could really have a serious conversation with.
- No girl friend. I'm so desperate to meet someone who will love me for me. Most girls I know just like guys because they have a six-pack or just other shallow reasons. And while I think that I'm a decent looking guy, I don't have a good body (not fat, though) and I won't be mistaken for being Brad Pitt. I haven't had sex or anything, and while I certainly want to experience that, I just want to experience love. If I could just meet a girl who I could talk about anything with, than I think that'd I'd be a much happier person.
- Nothing ever seems to go right. Seriously. I feel like I have the worst karma or something, even though I feel that I'm a good person. Sure, I've done bad things in the past that I regret, but I know horrible people and nothing bad ever seems to happen to them. From big goals I've had or to the littlest thing -- hardly anything seems to go right.
- I hate school. I've been recently kicked out for skipping too much. And while I'll likely have to repeat next year, I don't entirely regret it. I hated most of the kids there, most of the teachers, I can't pay attention (pretty sure I have ADD), and I simply don't care about half the things that I'm learning about. I feel that if I were a better student, my parents would be more proud of me, which would than make my home life a lot better.
There's more reasons as to why I'm depressed, but these are basically the main ones.
As I said before, I've become suicidal. I haven't attempted it yet, but some nights I just stay awake for hours just thinking about taking a rope and hanging myself. And as stupid as it may sound, I think the only reason I'm afraid of doing it is because of Hell. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I believe in Hell. If I just knew that I could begin a new life or go to a better place, there's a good chance I would have committed this act already. But I don't want my after-life to be worse than the time that I've spent alive. Yes, it may sound stupid to some of you, but it's how I feel.
In the past, though I was depressed, I thought that once I got out of this place, I could live on my own, have my dream job, meet a girl, have a lot of good friends. But, as of late, I feel that this may never happen. I don't know if I'll be able to do well enough in school to get a good job, and all of the girls I've met either didn't like me or things simply didn't work out. Why would things change? Once I realized all of this, that's when I became hopeless and somewhat suicidal.
Really, I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't know if I want to talk to one of you or not. Maybe I just wanted to let my feelings out. I don't know. Maybe someone could tell me what I should do or change.
Anyways, thanks for reading this.
*hug* 
