Jealousy..? No clue as to what to do.. Advice please..?

    • Jealousy..? No clue as to what to do.. Advice please..?

      Hey there, I'm new to this forum. I just wanted to see if I could get any advice on my issue here. My name is Donna. :) This post is going to be long - brace yourself, lol.

      So, I started going out with this guy in October. Things were great. We almost immediately connected. In the previous month though, I had been in a relationship with someone for two years.. his name was Chris. ...Things just didn't work out with him and we had broken up in September, so I decided to keep it single for a while. Well, in October when I found out this guy named Devin (who is my current boyfriend now) really liked me. He hung out with my friends here and there, but he also had other friends he hung out with, which was cool.

      This guy and I have (or had, I'm not entirely sure at this moment) such a strong connection. Like, from the time we started talking/texting, we just connected so well. We have stayed up for hours talking or texting on the phone. I feel like I can talk to this guy about anything. I've never felt so strong for someone in my life (and that is definitely weird, seeing as how I went out with Chris for 2 years.). I'd do anything to keep this relationship together.

      So anyway, after hanging out with Devin a bit more, I find out he liked me a lot. After some thinking and following my heart, I became his girlfriend. We have had those couple fights and the mini jealous things here and there, but I'm pretty sure it's normal for couples. One night, we were talking about our exes (which I didn't feel comfortable with since the beginning, seeing as how I had a dark secret I never wanted to say, and I was right to be scared to tell him), and he asked me if I had sex before.. well, back in June.. Chris, the guy I was dating at the time.. raped me... I thought I wanted it at first, but then when it happened, I started to cry and Chris didn't even care; he just kept... doing it. I was so shocked that that even happened that I didn't even say anything... to anyone.

      After I told Devin this, he immediately got upset. He planned to break up with me after me telling him that. All I could do was cry and say "That was my past, don't be jealous over that, please. I've moved on and I am much more happier with you!". He was depressed and didn't listen to anything I had to say at all. I ended up getting sick at his house and he started to comfort me after that and told me he would still stay with me. But, that's the thing...

      He loves to be with me, he loves spending time with me, and I still see that I make him smile, but every so often, he'll get into this stage of depression that he says "I hate life", or "I wish I would just die", and not a single thing I say gets to him. He told me "I will remember that for the rest of my life, Donna." and he just gets so jealous that I was with someone before, even though he's had his handful of girlfriends (he didn't have sex with them though). I see him as the guy I lost my virginity to because it was the first time I had done it with someone where it was comfortable, gentle, and very loving. He doesn't understand that.. no matter how many times I tell him. (Yes, we have done it, but this was before he became all depressed frequently.) I love this guy so much it hurts... I'd do anything to make him happy all of the time again.

      So on the sunday that just went by, we decided to play paintball. The day was perfect; he was so happy, I was happy, our friends were happy, and we were all laughing throughout the whole day. He was really happy. He came over afterwards and we shot some more paint in my back yard at things. We had so much fun. It was the most amazing feeling I had felt in my life. And he was happy.. up until Tuesday.

      At school, I had worn a tanktop and didn't realize that if tried, guys could see down my shirt. He immediately told me that, in a normal tone, and I said "Nah, no one can see." and zipped up my hoodie. After that, I hugged him and said "Don't be silly, no one could see down my shirt. No need to be paranoid." and I giggled so I didn't give him the impression that I was mad at what he said. Well, he then walked away from me and from that moment until now (and it's still going on), he's been that awful depressing person that makes me afraid because I'm always thinking "He could break up with me and not want me back because I'm not there with him to make him change his mind." (He doesn't really get convinced over the phone - he's a face-to-face type of person.)

      So, I have no idea how to help him with this - I've tried to get him to the counselors at school, to a therapist, anyone, and he will not talk to anyone. I love him so much, and I don't want to leave him. I want him to know that I'm there for him through thick and thin, no matter how depressed he gets. He always says "Sorry I'm such a jealous asshole, Donna." and I immediately try to comfort him. He's really depressed as we speak, and I have no idea how long this will go on - I'm just so nervous. I have no idea why he won't listen to me when he's like that - he's stubborn like a muel. I've been leaving him alone by not texting him because I know people need their space, but I'm wondering if there is anything I can do for him. I am bound to make this work - I'm just so clueless as of what to do though... I wonder if there are any women in the world who have had such a messed up situation that I'm in before. I have never had a boyfriend be jealous in my life, so this is also a new thing for me. I know he loves me a lot. He's not possessive over me or anything, he lets me be with my friends, so he's just jealous... I think I remember him saying one night that he wanted to cut himself too... but I'm not sure.

      I'd like to try anything to keep him from thinking of doing that.. I just hate when teenagers cut their wrists. I was a victim of that years ago. I've gone through some things in my life where I did that too, but yet I have no idea what to say to him about it. I mean, I grew out of it... I learned to be happy. I can't describe how or what I did, it's just a self thing to me. I didn't get help or anything. I mean, I do get depressed too, but I never turn to the blade to my skin, I write or something, but he doesn't write at all. :(

      Well... I think that about sums it up. If I remember anything else, I'll surely add to this, but I think I've got it all, haha. Thank you so much for taking time to read my post and I hope to hear from you all soon. I'm so clueless.. :confused: I'm down to the point where I'd like to try to make cookies for him.. lol...

      Well, hope to hear from you soon; take care!

      A confused and stuck Donna.
    • Re: Jealousy..? No clue as to what to do.. Advice please..?

      I'm glad to see that you came off such a horrific incident with your previous ex so well. Many women end up very broken emotionally because of rape but you seem perfectly clear thinking and engaging in a normal life.

      Now, this problem with your current is a very sticky situation. As much as I'd like to speculate as to why he acts this way I know nothing about HIM and it's about him you're asking me not about you so apologies but all you've told us is pretty much irrelevant to the matter at hand. If you'd like some idle speculation well I'll give you that much at least but I'm shooting in the dark here.

      You've said he has had previous relationships before but never had sex with them. However in your relationship he gets highly possessive of your virginity and is enraged by the fact that yours was taken, even if by force. This speaks something about his past in relation to control. It seems to indicate that in his relationships he has always been out of control, taking everything as it was given to him. In this when he thought he had taken your virginity he thought he was given a sense of control and after you told him the truth this one thing that was a pride for him was shown to be a lie, he might even have taken it subconsciously as you lied to him.

      Now he seems to have manifested major depression and suicidal tendencies and perhaps it also seems anti-social tendencies as well. However don't think this is your fault, you were simply the straw that broke the camels back as they say. He has obviously had to deal with many issues before you in his home life and previous relationships.

      Since you say he is such a face to face individual you need to do just that, sit him down face to face. You need to ask him how much he truly cares for you and if he wishes to remain with you. You need him to see where he wants to go with you. If he truly wishes to be with you then you need to tell him that he needs to seek counciling, he has to sit down and have them delve his past and figure out why he is like this.

      As much as I'd like to be able to offer you more, tell you what's wrong with him and how to fix him I just simply can't I know nothing about him. Right now you're the person who can be the most influential on him and if you truly want what's best for him you're going to have to take up the responsibility of pushing him in the right direction whether he wants to or not.
      Without sensibility no object would be given to us, without understanding no object would be thought. Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind. ~Immanuel Kant, Critique of Pure Reason
      [CENTER]The greatest thing you'll ever learn
      Is just to Love
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    • Re: Jealousy..? No clue as to what to do.. Advice please..?

      I think the post above me has said it all, i couldn't really give it any better than that. Without knowing why he's like that there isn't really much advice i can give to help you, you need to sit down and talk to him, explain how you feel about him and about his depression, you're the only person who can help him at the minute, you need to help him find out why he feels that way and make sure you're there to support him through it, sorry this isn't much help.
      All the best
      Support Leader
      Charley
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    • Re: Jealousy..? No clue as to what to do.. Advice please..?

      Thats really tough, and to be honest I don't think hes told you everything. There must be something going on (with his family, a past relationship, something) that keeps coming back to him and making him like this. He needs you to be there to support him, regardless of what happens. Even if he doesn't act like it, he hears what you say to him, and it helps. All you can really do is make sure you support him whenever he needs.

      In his past, did any girlfriend of his ever dress scantily and wind up cheating on him? If yes, you dressing or acting in any sort of provocative or sexually experienced way could easily make him think you are going to follow in that girls footsteps. Which could be causing the defensiveness/jealousy over you. Obviously, that isnt going to be the reason for the depression, but it is a start.

      Sorry I can't be of more help, but I will think about what you can do and if I think of anything to add, I will tell you.
      condoms arent completely safe, my friend once got hit by a bus while wearing one
      -Anonymous