Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

    • Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      I started talking with my teacher about my depression. We grew very close and he eventually said we were friends. Later he told me that he couldn't talk with me anymore, but he still wanted to keep our friendship. Of course my feelings were hurt cause he said he'd always be there for me... So I cut him out of my life. For a while we've both been hurt by the situation and we've expressed our anger towards each other and attempted to hurt each other even more, whether by harsh words or embarrassment.

      I know our relationship fit the definition of a true friendship before student/teacher boundaries magically appeared. We were greatly interested in eachother's well being, and we were there for each other, and we had a lot in common. But if we could no longer support each other, would we still be friends according to the definition of a friendship?

      We've both gotten to the point where we think it's time to stop hating each other and repair our friendship. But I need some advice on what to do when two friends have suddenly been separated by 'boundaries' like me and this teacher.

      Please don't read this and say: "You can't be friends with teachers!" Cause the problem is... we obviously didn't know this at the time! It has become a friendship that was greatly important to both of us but then these invisible 'walls' magically appeared. It's just like losing your closest friend cause your mom said so... I need advice...

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      I know how strong student/teacher relationships can be. I have them and there's one teacher in particular that I'm quite close with. This is normal. Did he give you a reason why he couldn't talk to you anymore? If you don't know what the reason is, it would be best that you didn't assume anything because that will only make matters worse for the both of you. Perhaps you can try talking to him about it and try to find out why he said he couldn't talk to you anymore. This is okay but it's not okay when you start to force him or pressure him into giving you a reason. Maintain that level of respect there and I'm sure you will be fine.

      It seems like you're both being affected by the current situation greatly and that's why I'd recommend that you try to talk to him about what's going on as opposed to just shutting him out of your life completely, considering that behaviour seems to be making matters worse between the two of you. I understand this relationship is important to you and I could see how you're both hurt by what's going on here. Things were left unsaid, assumptions can be made - the whole bit. Things are still up in the air with you two and that's why I think you should talk to him about this. You two need to settle things.

      I hope that everything works out for you. Good luck with everything.

      Take care of yourself.

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      Why are you hating each other? You failed to elaborate there.

      Student-teacher friendships are hard to maintain, simply because to the public eye it's different for a teen and an adult to have so much in common on a regular basis. However, if you can get along without this bothering you, it shouldn't be a problem. Only it doesn't seem like the case.

      For whatever reason you've drifted apart from each other, you need to discuss them and resolve them in order to fully repair your relationship. Conveying your concerns to each other is where it all starts.

      Support Leader,
      Kase~
      [CENTER][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]
      [/SIZE]      [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
      [/CENTER]

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      He never did tell me why he felt he couldn't talk with me anymore. I had made the assumption that he just didn't care. But, he rather angrily shot this assumtion down. According to him I know better.

      I know this friendship won't be a quick fix. I need to find ways to show that I'm willing to work on our friendship though, but I don't really know how. I just think saying "hello" and "how are you" is pretty generic. Right now, I don't think he knows how I feel, and I don't think I'm quite ready to talk with him one on one... yet!

      I'm also kind of stuck with my parents. I guess after seeing how my teacher hurt me, my mom hasn't been to fond of him. I'm afraid that mom would be upset with me if she knew I was attempting to fix this friendship. And dad definately doesn't like my teacher. I've never had a good relationship with my dad because of his alcoholism. I think Dad became jealous of me and my teacher's friendship.

      I feel stuck again...

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      Try initiating longer conversations with him. Perhaps on casual topics you've talked about before? Then you can gradually prolong your conversation. You feel that you're not ready to talk with him...but you must if you want to fix your friendship. Like I said, you need to communicate to get this started.

      As for your parents, these issues should probably wait until you've fixed the relationship with your teacher. As you regain your trust in each other, you can assure your mother that everything is going fine. Relationships always have ups and downs, and it might've been worth it to separate from each other in order to see how much you needed this friend. With your father, it just takes time. Spend some more quality time with him and make him see that you know family is more important than friends.
      [CENTER][SIZE=4][/SIZE][SIZE=4]
      [/SIZE]      [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
      [/CENTER]

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      Tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev!

      Sorry, couldn't resist. But, seriously. I get the feeling that the sudden detachment had a lot to do with his job. There are a lot of grey areas in a student/teacher relationship. On top of him risking accusation of inappropriate behaviour with a student, he also may have wanted to distance himself to avoid any conflict of interests (if you or any of your friends were his students).

      There are a lot of ways that his integrity as a teacher are at risk, and given the situation, I can't really say he made the wrong decision. Should he have been more communicative in how he approached it? Yes, but you have to realize what's at stake for him as well as you.

      Take care of yourself, and best of luck.
      Love it when you call me Legs
      In the morning, buy me eggs

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      My friend had a good friendship with a teacher that was diminished when her pastoral supporter who had been assigned to her because of bad behaviour got shirty and told said teacher to stop having personal discussions with my friend.

      Maybe you should ask your friend why he felt that you couldn't talk any more...
      [CENTER]


      [RIGHT]Ta-ta
      [/RIGHT]
      [/CENTER]

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      VenomX wrote:

      He was just using you...he never cared for you, really.


      As angry as I am with him, I think I'll respectfully disagree here. What would he use me for? And I seriously think it would have been a major waste of his time to listen to me and try his best to help. He was constantly there for me when no one else was... I really don't understand your argument... :confused:

      Thanks for the advice so far, everyone. I'm not too worried about the right and the wrongs of our relationship. I'm more worried about how I can repair the relationship with these boundaries present. My goal is hopefully to be able to be close friends again after I graduate. I just need to find a place where we are both comfortable.

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      Failed_Attempt wrote:

      As angry as I am with him, I think I'll respectfully disagree here. What would he use me for? And I seriously think it would have been a major waste of his time to listen to me and try his best to help. He was constantly there for me when no one else was... I really don't understand your argument...


      Wake up already, dude. People take advantage of their love for someone all the time. I'm telling you that he was pretending to care about you, but he most likely showed the signs of a person who doesn't give a rats ass about you.

    • Re: Friends with invisible 'walls' between us...

      I've made progress! I wrote him a note that basically said that I wanted to repair our friendship and that he needed to let me know if he felt the same way. I also stated that we'd better resolve past conflicts so they don't reappear. So two days later he pulls me to the side and says that he got it and that we'll have a "pow wow" in a little bit.

      I don't really know what to do here because I don't know whether it'll be one on one or with my principal and guidance counselors and all that, just because it's gotten to that level. If all those people are there then one of my parents HAS to be there also. And I'd already told myself that I was going to inform them on my relationship with my teacher AFTER we began the process of repairing it.

      I'm excited that my teacher wants to talk about it. He could have just said "no" if he didn't want to repair the relationship. But he suggested we talked about it instead. This has to be a good sign right?

      I'm just frustrated about how I'm going to deal with my parents.