[long thread] needed somewhere to put this

    • [long thread] needed somewhere to put this

      Over the last month or so, i have been writing like a diary thing. Not many people have read it, but i want youguys to read them.
      I've got 3 entries so far, and i'm willing to answer questions on anything you think you can help with.

      Thanks in advance for reading.

      [INDENT]23rd June '09

      I am changing my life. I’m sick and tired of the shame old shit that I keep getting fed by girls that I think are different from the others. They all treat me the same, it just takes me different amount of times to realise it. Sometimes I realise it, but I ignore it because I feel as if what I’ve realised isn’t actually true. It took me 3 ½ years to finally say to Amy that I’m done with her. I’ve deleted the photos off my laptop, when I get a chance, I shall delete her off of bebo/facebook and any traces of her. The photos will also be burnt. This is the step I need to take to sort my life out. She now knows about what happened to me, she can use that information how-ever she wishes. I just don’t care about her anymore. I loved her, but all of the love I had for, has faded into nothing but hate. She fucked me over big time. I’ve dealt some back now. I’ll never be able to get those 3 ½ years back, but I can try and forget about them.

      About a year ago, a new girl came on the scene. Rhiannon and I had each other’s attention from the first moment we saw each other. However cheesy and cliché it sounds, it’s true. I finally thought I had found the girl that would help me forget about all the shit that I went through with Amy. And for a while, it worked. I had fallen for Rhiannon harder than I’d fallen for anyone before. Amy had left me scared to trust anyone again, but Rhiannon had helped me re-build that trust. But then, a few months ago, the problems started. We started to argue, her parents started getting involved in our relationship, and then she said something that killed me and my trust in girls again. She had fallen for another guy, her best mate, Dan. We instantly drifted apart after that. She claims to still love me and that nothing has changed. But things have changed. We are now going days without talking, where-as before, we was struggling to go a few hours without texting. The trust is now gone. I’m contemplating deleting the photo album of us two off of my laptop, and burning the Valentine’s card and note that I got from her. I can’t have her in my life now. To a certain degree, she’s hurt me more than Amy has. Therefore, I feel as if I don’t need her anymore.

      But now, just as it felt like everything was crashing down, things are picking up. I’ve almost finished college, just waiting on my final grade, which I have a feeling is going to be very good. And I’ve got back into contact with an old friend who I haven’t seen in nearly two years! I spent the weekend with her, and she stayed round Friday night. I’ve always liked her as more than a friend, but now more than ever. Do I think something could develop from it? Quite possible. It would be a nice change from the shit I’ve had in the past. I trust Philly. She trusts me. All that’s really needed to be honest.

      Things are finally starting to look up. Hopefully, things are going to go as planned...

      Update soon.

      Jamie Randall.


      14th July '09

      I’m back again. It’s about time for another update on the shipwreck that is my life. Philly was a waste of time to try and pursue as more than a friend. I confessed that I liked her, and she said she didn’t feel the same (no surprise). Instead she told me that she fancied Sam. That’s now fizzled out due to the fact that Sam isn’t man enough for her (which made me chuckle). But she has met Spanish. Potential between the two? Quite possibly. They seem to like each other. And as long as my friends are happy, I won’t take my emotions into account.

      There was a new girl on the scene, Stacie. But something has happened at her house which has completely thrown her off. So, at the moment, I think I’m just going to focus on being a good friend and being there for her, as opposed to trying to be her boyfriend. Then, there was possible chance of me and Xanthe hooking up. But she has a boyfriend now, which I don’t think she likes that much. Even though I flirt with loads of other girls, Xanthe is still the most gorgeous girl I know. And I tell her this on a regular basis. She goes against most of my ideas for a perfect girl, yet she is still perfect. I love blue eyes, and she has dark brown. I like girls with dark hair, she is naturally blondeJ. She goes against the conventions, but I don’t care.

      On the more realistic side though, I went to a party at Alex’s house on Friday to celebrate the end of the academic year. Only two other people turned up from college apart from me and Alex. It was a good night. Saw Lucy from work and ACTUALLY had a proper chat with her, as opposed to talking about work. But most importantly, Lucy had a friend with her. Natalie. Now, Natalie was rather drunk when I actually got the chance to talk to her (about half hour before she leftL), but when I was talking to her, I loved it. I managed to open up to her about all that’s happened to me in the past. I’d known this girl 15 minutes and she knew about what happened to me 10 years ago. She doesn’t know who done it, or the details, she just knows it happened. I gave her my number as she left, and as she went, we hugged, and she went to kiss both my cheeks. But as she’s shorter, and we were in a dark part of the house, she caught my neck. I flinched, and told her to be careful of my neck. She laughed, and went to kiss me again, but went for my neck this time. She got just the right spot as well. It felt amazing! She asked if I didn’t like my neck being touched, and I replied no, I like it too much. She laughed, we hugged again, and gave each other a peck on the lips goodbye. We text when she got home, and then text the next day. When we meet up, she wants to meet up as friends. That’s fine by me, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship at the moment.

      And then, of course, there’s Emma. A cadet friend, who I’ve always had a soft spot for since Wathgill camp, 2007. After a conversation about awkward places we have done stuff, and a brief explanation as to why I don’t like getting tossed off by girls, Emma asked how I manage to do stuff to girls without them doing anything back. I offered her the chance to find out... And she’s not ruling the opportunity out. I’m meeting up with her in Long Stratton on Thursday, so we will have to wait and see what happens. Because, if anything does happen, this could possibly be the most promising chance I have of a relationship for a while. And I will NOT let this chance slip away as I’ve liked Emma for nearly two years now. I’ve let too many chances slip out of my hand. Not anymore, my friend. Not anymore!

      I thought my luck was turning around before, but I was obviously wrong. As all that happened was, it got worse. But, this time... I’m sure of it now.
      “Good things come to those who wait, and those who deserve it.”
      I’ve waited long enough now. Almost four years. Four years of pain, suffering, and out-right depression. I think I deserve something good now.

      Another update soon. I won’t leave it so long this time [=

      Jamie Randall


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    • Re: [long thread] needed somewhere to put this

      *continued ffrom up above... post was too long*

      21st July '09

      Update time again me thinks. Where shall I start then? Hmmm... Let’s start with Emma. Met up with her on Thursday in Stratton. Nothing happened. I’m both disappointed yet glad at the same time. The main reason I think that nothing happened is because Steph decided to come along. This made me happy, as I love spending time with my Stephie. Anyway, I don’t think that Emma is a wise choice to try and pursue. She’s already said that she would get with me, but says she won’t because of the history between me and Amy. That doesn’t help considering Amy and Emma are friends. I haven’t spoken to Amy for nearly two months, and she is STILL running my life. Like I said in my last entry, I’ve always liked Emma, and it sucks because it know seems like I’ll never get the opportunity to be with her, or at least have a decent attempt at trying. Plus, she still seems pretty into James at the moment.

      Next subject, I haven’t really spoken to Natalie for a few days, but that’s because she came straight off one school trip and straight onto another one. Kinda sucks. I really want to meet up with her and see what happens. I like how easily we spoke to each other at Alex’s party, even though the alcohol might have something to do with that. She seems like a really genuine person, which is what I like about her.

      One thing I have noticed recently though, is all the stuff that I’ve taunted Jake and Alex for about “Always the best friend, never the boyfriend”, it seems to be coming back to haunt me.
      - Philly calls me her best friend, which I don’t mind, but it would be nice to perhaps be more.
      - Stephie calls me her best friend. Again, I don’t mind this, but considering I’ve started to develop feelings for her beyond friendship, it kinda sucks.
      - Rhiannon called me her best friend.
      - Amy called me her best friend.

      I’m bored of being the best friend now. I may not be ready for a relationship at the moment, but it would be nice to feel wanted for a change.

      Update soon.

      Jamie Randall





      Thanks again for reading this.
      If you think you can help, please let me know
      [CENTER][SIZE="2"]Blog: http://jamierandallphotography.wordpress.com/[/SIZE][/CENTER]
      [CENTER][SIZE=2]Youtube: youtube.com/WellThatWasAwkward91 [/SIZE][/CENTER]
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    • Re: [long thread] needed somewhere to put this

      tbh after reading the end iv forgotten the beggining :) thats just me tho miss forgettful :)
      it seems you have strong feelings for number of girls which is new too me, like you go from one to the other almost straight away, not sure if thats because its just bunched together or if the time scale is quite short..
      you also seem (please correct me if im mistaken) but.. you seem too be to obsessed with finding the perfect girl if that makes sinse, i know how amazing it feels to be in a relationship but tbh i doubt any of your relationships would work whilever you still have all these other girls and feelings hanging over you..
      i think you need some time alone to get over what has happened too you in the past and help you move on and look too the future..
      i apolagise if i totally got the wrong end of the stick there.. but if you ever need too talk im here :)
      Life is HARD- After all.. It KILLS you!