Why Must I Be/Feel So Different?

    • Why Must I Be/Feel So Different?

      I feel like an imposter in my own body at times, I play different roles to different people to the point where I don't know exactly who I am anymore. I don't even think I have real friends, I've never even had a chance to stick to people because it's either I move schools or places and now recently a new country.

      I have so much that I want to share with people my thoughts my views my feelings and when I finally tell someone about my bad experiences and worries it's either they start pitying me or class me as a deep person. With adults its even worse, it's like I'm not compatible with anyone so what I do is I adapt and evolve to suit everyones character, eg If the persons is preppy happy star-eyed person who seems to have no problems whatsoever apart from the trivial ones I'll become like that too that sort of thing.

      I just don't fit into any stereotype, I know you're probably thinking why the fuck would you want to?? But I need to. I used to though I was the seriously funny, sharp, crazy rude but friendly south london "chick" who didn't care about anything and only lived for that day. But since my mum and I started havign serious problems which grew as I grew I moved to live with my Dad to a 99% white populated school outside london then my world flipped everyone seemed so chavvy, immature, stupidly rude and misbehaved and I could not really befriend anyone so I drifted into the remaining 1 percent who were so BLACK POWER and purposely segregated themselves and later complained about it and thought everything and everyone was racist it was quite funny looking back on it tbh any nigga (yeh they actually called themselves niggers but wud kill anyone that sed it to them) that liked slipknot or My Chemical Romance was a sellout ito the core.

      So I didnt know who I was and as I gto accumstomed to peoples behaviour and other personalities which were stupid and ignorant in comparison I didn't know who I was the people that were deep and had issues were usually the "crazy dyke cutter chicks" so I had no-one to turn to I left my great school in south london were everyone liked me and knew me to go to a crappy school where I was a nobody, it was like being on the other side of the knife.

      But what removed the hump from the camel was when I got admission to a boarding school in Nigeria I was now a white in Nigeria. Because of my accent and my "oyinbo" (whitemans) behaviour I was riduculed, humiliated because I didn't know things they did or behaved different. This is the stage I am now its gotten a lot better now that I'm learning "my" venacular.
      because I go to London on long vac (which is where I am now) I miss my old friends and everyone seems so defined and have their life in order while I'm still clinging shamelessly to old friends. Sometimes I feel like killing myself because I'm learning to hate everyone who put me in the state I am now my mum is at teh top of the list but a close second is myself. i'm probably the most confused 15 year old pretender in the world.:cries:
      [SIZE=5]D0nt Fall For Him Girls, he Wont Catch You... [/SIZE]
      [SIZE=5]:love1:[/SIZE]
      [SIZE=5][/SIZE]
      [SIZE=5][email protected][/SIZE]

      The post was edited 3 times, last by xStephaniie2k7x ().

    • Re: Why Must I Be/Feel So Different?

      First of all there is nothing wrong with you or different about you in the sense of adapting to those around you. Most people find that their personalities change depending on who they are with, even if it is just a little. Trust me, I used to be very insecure thinking I was fake for changing so much to match those around me, but that isn't the case. After talking to others I found that it is actually quite normal in order to blend in and get along with others. No one wants to feel as if they are an outcast.

      Also, often at your age there is a lot of question about who we are and our identity. You need to realize that no matter what you are your own person, I mean you do have your own opinions and interests. These are the things that define who you are. I think you would feel a lot better if you were to open up more and share these things with others, there is bound to be others who share the same opinions and interests as you do around your area.

      I can't imagine how much it must suck having to move around so often and not having a stable group of friends, but have you tried talking to your mother or father about how always moving around to different schools affects you. If you can't communicate your problems or address the situation things can't get better.
      [CENTER][FONT="Garamond"][COLOR="DarkRed"][SIZE="3"]Seduce&Destroy[/SIZE]
      [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
      You're sure you still wanna play this evil lil game?
      [/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]

      The post was edited 1 time, last by Saradactyl ().

    • Re: Why Must I Be/Feel So Different?

      Just be yourself, and find friends or a group just like you. But I would recommend you to find your inner' self before you decide on anything as changing character when you have new friends can cause many things.

      Try hanging out, or finding information about different kind of "people". (ex. Preps, Jocks, Casual, ect.)
      [COLOR="Teal"]Counselor at LGBT Committee Program of Ontario
      Counselor at Ontario & Manitoba Int. Counselling Service
      [/COLOR]
    • Re: Why Must I Be/Feel So Different?

      Hi :)
      You know, sometimes when a person is around the wrong people for too long, people who they don't fit in with, people who want to change them, unreliable people etc, they do change to that groups "type". When a person is around the wrong group for too long, s/he can lose their individuality and eventually feel like a stranger to themselves.

      You need to get back in touch with the person that used to be the real you. She isn't gone, she's still there, hiding behind a hundred layers of masks. These masks were made as a way of coping with being with so many different people who you don't it in with, so it's time to start taking them off.

      Remember back to how you used to be; the seriously funny, sharp, crazy rude South London Chick. Be like that wherever you go, let it shine out to everybody else, and let THEM adapt to YOU, or let the people who you DO fit in with come to you. They're still out there, they're everywhere, you just have to remember who you were, and turn back from what you have become. You can't stay this way all your life, because you will lose one of your most valuable traits - your individuality. Be yourself, let no one change you.

      Good luck.
      [LEFT][SIZE=4]My mind turns to metal, its gears are turning,[/SIZE][/LEFT]
      [LEFT][SIZE=4]And my sanity withers and dies.[/SIZE][/LEFT]
      [LEFT][SIZE=4]This world all around me, it's bitter and twisted;[/SIZE][/LEFT]
      [LEFT][SIZE=4]Reality, madness or lies?[/SIZE][/LEFT]