I feel like an imposter in my own body at times, I play different roles to different people to the point where I don't know exactly who I am anymore. I don't even think I have real friends, I've never even had a chance to stick to people because it's either I move schools or places and now recently a new country.
I have so much that I want to share with people my thoughts my views my feelings and when I finally tell someone about my bad experiences and worries it's either they start pitying me or class me as a deep person. With adults its even worse, it's like I'm not compatible with anyone so what I do is I adapt and evolve to suit everyones character, eg If the persons is preppy happy star-eyed person who seems to have no problems whatsoever apart from the trivial ones I'll become like that too that sort of thing.
I just don't fit into any stereotype, I know you're probably thinking why the fuck would you want to?? But I need to. I used to though I was the seriously funny, sharp, crazy rude but friendly south london "chick" who didn't care about anything and only lived for that day. But since my mum and I started havign serious problems which grew as I grew I moved to live with my Dad to a 99% white populated school outside london then my world flipped everyone seemed so chavvy, immature, stupidly rude and misbehaved and I could not really befriend anyone so I drifted into the remaining 1 percent who were so BLACK POWER and purposely segregated themselves and later complained about it and thought everything and everyone was racist it was quite funny looking back on it tbh any nigga (yeh they actually called themselves niggers but wud kill anyone that sed it to them) that liked slipknot or My Chemical Romance was a sellout ito the core.
So I didnt know who I was and as I gto accumstomed to peoples behaviour and other personalities which were stupid and ignorant in comparison I didn't know who I was the people that were deep and had issues were usually the "crazy dyke cutter chicks" so I had no-one to turn to I left my great school in south london were everyone liked me and knew me to go to a crappy school where I was a nobody, it was like being on the other side of the knife.
But what removed the hump from the camel was when I got admission to a boarding school in Nigeria I was now a white in Nigeria. Because of my accent and my "oyinbo" (whitemans) behaviour I was riduculed, humiliated because I didn't know things they did or behaved different. This is the stage I am now its gotten a lot better now that I'm learning "my" venacular.
because I go to London on long vac (which is where I am now) I miss my old friends and everyone seems so defined and have their life in order while I'm still clinging shamelessly to old friends. Sometimes I feel like killing myself because I'm learning to hate everyone who put me in the state I am now my mum is at teh top of the list but a close second is myself. i'm probably the most confused 15 year old pretender in the world.:cries:
I have so much that I want to share with people my thoughts my views my feelings and when I finally tell someone about my bad experiences and worries it's either they start pitying me or class me as a deep person. With adults its even worse, it's like I'm not compatible with anyone so what I do is I adapt and evolve to suit everyones character, eg If the persons is preppy happy star-eyed person who seems to have no problems whatsoever apart from the trivial ones I'll become like that too that sort of thing.
I just don't fit into any stereotype, I know you're probably thinking why the fuck would you want to?? But I need to. I used to though I was the seriously funny, sharp, crazy rude but friendly south london "chick" who didn't care about anything and only lived for that day. But since my mum and I started havign serious problems which grew as I grew I moved to live with my Dad to a 99% white populated school outside london then my world flipped everyone seemed so chavvy, immature, stupidly rude and misbehaved and I could not really befriend anyone so I drifted into the remaining 1 percent who were so BLACK POWER and purposely segregated themselves and later complained about it and thought everything and everyone was racist it was quite funny looking back on it tbh any nigga (yeh they actually called themselves niggers but wud kill anyone that sed it to them) that liked slipknot or My Chemical Romance was a sellout ito the core.
So I didnt know who I was and as I gto accumstomed to peoples behaviour and other personalities which were stupid and ignorant in comparison I didn't know who I was the people that were deep and had issues were usually the "crazy dyke cutter chicks" so I had no-one to turn to I left my great school in south london were everyone liked me and knew me to go to a crappy school where I was a nobody, it was like being on the other side of the knife.
But what removed the hump from the camel was when I got admission to a boarding school in Nigeria I was now a white in Nigeria. Because of my accent and my "oyinbo" (whitemans) behaviour I was riduculed, humiliated because I didn't know things they did or behaved different. This is the stage I am now its gotten a lot better now that I'm learning "my" venacular.
because I go to London on long vac (which is where I am now) I miss my old friends and everyone seems so defined and have their life in order while I'm still clinging shamelessly to old friends. Sometimes I feel like killing myself because I'm learning to hate everyone who put me in the state I am now my mum is at teh top of the list but a close second is myself. i'm probably the most confused 15 year old pretender in the world.:cries:
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