hi my name is jessi. so this is mainly just coz i really really need to vent and i get screamed at by my so-called friends and family when i vent about this so you dont have to read and a lot of it wont really make much sense anyway but if you wanna try and piece together something coherent to see if you can help then go ahead. but like i said i mostly just need to vent.
okay so a little over a month ago my mom walked in on my boyfriend at the time fingering me. she went absolutely beserk and starting going on about "respecting the house and the rules of the house" and all this other bullshit. why do i say its bullshit? i say its bullshit because i have heard her and her boyfriend fucking at 2 in the morning. and they would do the same stuff me and my boyfriend did, while we were both in the house.
anyway after getting the massive lecture from my mom, he got sent home and i had to leave that afternoon for drama camp. i was gone for 2 weeks, and while i was away someone told him that i was breaking up with him. he took this as the perfect excuse to tell everyone we knew everything we've done.
when i got back from camp, my mom told me that i wasnt allowed to see him anymore and forced us to break up.
since then, we still talk and see each other all the time, and my mom seems to be okay with it. she even invited him to dinner with us tonight.
i love him with all my heart. and i wouldn't have broken up with him if i had any other choice. see at this point i have just realised i left out a piece of possibly vital information. and that is the fact that we were engaged.
anyways whenever i see him, he tells me that he's still completely in love with me, and he acts like we're still together. he holds my hand, kisses my head, calls me his baby girl. and i am still completely in love with him. i have spent the last month trying so hard to get over him, and i am still trying, but at this point it seems futile.
but heres the kicker. he spends all this time telling me he still loves me, but then i read messages on his myspace page to other girls that say stuff like "ps megan i want you." and this is after he told me he loves me.
stuff like this hurts me so emotionally that i actually start feeling and getting physically sick. like when he told me a couple of weeks ago that he had started seeing someone with the same name as me (again, after telling me he loved me so much blah blah blah), it hurt so emotionally that it actually honestly 100% felt like someone had shoved 4 knives into my stomach and twisted them. thats how much it hurt.
and when i read this message to megan, i felt so hurt and sick that i actually began to throw up.
oh yes another piece of possibly vital information in all this is that i have serious depression and mild schizophrenia (hallucinations, voices in my head, stuff like that)
he never believed that i actually had these issues, and when i was having problems with them today he told me to "stop acting like that. i've been tolerating this shit for long enough."
and even though i know he is a total asshole and i shouldnt feel this way after everything, i cant help being completely in love with him. so many people have told me to just get over it, but they dont seem to realise that its not that simple. i have been trying not to feel this way about him, believe me, i have been trying, but the situation just never gets any better.
i am pretty sure that he doesnt love me anymore. and if he does, he sure as fuck has a horrible way of showing it. he thinks he can treat me like shit, like this, then turn around and have everything be okay. that i will still be there waiting for him. and even though i wish i could say that i would be long gone, i know i wont be. hes like my drug, my safety blanket. i always feel my best when im with him. i dont want to love him like this. because its killing me. i have tried cutting him out of my life, but guess what? combine that with severe depression, and you end up with attempted suicide.
so when i say this is killing me, i mean it literally. the thought of him being with other girls, the thought of him doing to them the things he's done to me, it kills me.
i really really dont want to love him.
and yet i do.
anyways, if you have managed to read all of this, first of all i would like to say CONGRATULATIONS! you actually read it. second of all, if you have any thoughts or opinions that you wish to share, or if you think you can help, please share. as long as its not just you saying, "get over him. duh.", i will appreciate it a lot.
xoxo J
okay so a little over a month ago my mom walked in on my boyfriend at the time fingering me. she went absolutely beserk and starting going on about "respecting the house and the rules of the house" and all this other bullshit. why do i say its bullshit? i say its bullshit because i have heard her and her boyfriend fucking at 2 in the morning. and they would do the same stuff me and my boyfriend did, while we were both in the house.
anyway after getting the massive lecture from my mom, he got sent home and i had to leave that afternoon for drama camp. i was gone for 2 weeks, and while i was away someone told him that i was breaking up with him. he took this as the perfect excuse to tell everyone we knew everything we've done.
when i got back from camp, my mom told me that i wasnt allowed to see him anymore and forced us to break up.
since then, we still talk and see each other all the time, and my mom seems to be okay with it. she even invited him to dinner with us tonight.
i love him with all my heart. and i wouldn't have broken up with him if i had any other choice. see at this point i have just realised i left out a piece of possibly vital information. and that is the fact that we were engaged.
anyways whenever i see him, he tells me that he's still completely in love with me, and he acts like we're still together. he holds my hand, kisses my head, calls me his baby girl. and i am still completely in love with him. i have spent the last month trying so hard to get over him, and i am still trying, but at this point it seems futile.
but heres the kicker. he spends all this time telling me he still loves me, but then i read messages on his myspace page to other girls that say stuff like "ps megan i want you." and this is after he told me he loves me.
stuff like this hurts me so emotionally that i actually start feeling and getting physically sick. like when he told me a couple of weeks ago that he had started seeing someone with the same name as me (again, after telling me he loved me so much blah blah blah), it hurt so emotionally that it actually honestly 100% felt like someone had shoved 4 knives into my stomach and twisted them. thats how much it hurt.
and when i read this message to megan, i felt so hurt and sick that i actually began to throw up.
oh yes another piece of possibly vital information in all this is that i have serious depression and mild schizophrenia (hallucinations, voices in my head, stuff like that)
he never believed that i actually had these issues, and when i was having problems with them today he told me to "stop acting like that. i've been tolerating this shit for long enough."
and even though i know he is a total asshole and i shouldnt feel this way after everything, i cant help being completely in love with him. so many people have told me to just get over it, but they dont seem to realise that its not that simple. i have been trying not to feel this way about him, believe me, i have been trying, but the situation just never gets any better.
i am pretty sure that he doesnt love me anymore. and if he does, he sure as fuck has a horrible way of showing it. he thinks he can treat me like shit, like this, then turn around and have everything be okay. that i will still be there waiting for him. and even though i wish i could say that i would be long gone, i know i wont be. hes like my drug, my safety blanket. i always feel my best when im with him. i dont want to love him like this. because its killing me. i have tried cutting him out of my life, but guess what? combine that with severe depression, and you end up with attempted suicide.
so when i say this is killing me, i mean it literally. the thought of him being with other girls, the thought of him doing to them the things he's done to me, it kills me.
i really really dont want to love him.
and yet i do.
anyways, if you have managed to read all of this, first of all i would like to say CONGRATULATIONS! you actually read it. second of all, if you have any thoughts or opinions that you wish to share, or if you think you can help, please share. as long as its not just you saying, "get over him. duh.", i will appreciate it a lot.
xoxo J