What is it you would like to do in life? Perhaps you could focus your time and attention on that instead of on what you don't like now?

i no how you feel i see thaings that are not ther and it is like hell on earth and i have ben to the mental hosiptals nown as holly hill and brynmawr 7 times and have ben sexly harmd as well so i can relate and i stell have big problems to this day and i tell you this so you no that you are not alone and if no one loves you at least i love you and so do god

It seems like you're working forward well, at least I see you working on cutting out some of the negatives of your life in other threads. Much like your cigarette addiction your drinking is only going to make things worse; I can understand why you started, your life seemed so terrible and you were so tired of it that you wanted to forget your insecurities and feel good about yourself, however after your rape you have to realize that drinking will only lead to more negative things and if you're going to face your problems you will need to face the world and that means with a clear vision of the world's beauty and uglyness; I'm not going to disagree with you that the rape wasn't your fault and you realize why it was your fault, you put yourself in a dangerous position through your drinking, you don't want it to happen again and it doesn't have to happen again, you made a mistake and were taken advantage of and you need to learn from this and grow, get away from that disadvantage that made you so vulnerable. When you take charge of your drinking problem you'll have taken charge of your life and you won't have to worry about things that happen outside of your control, everything else can only improve when you're in control of who you are.

I can understand where a lot of your insecurities stem from even though I generally would prefer more information. You discuss how your mother, if not your father, acts as if you're a problem and she doesn't want you around. The truth of the matter very well be that she views you as a problem and she doesn't want you around, not every parent wants their child and some who want their children want their children for them and when they don't turn out how they like they become disgruntled and distant; the primary aspect of a parent is to take care of you, not to love you, and while we may all wish we had loving parents it is a selfless job that requires a lot of sacrifice and you must be content with the cards you're dealt. If you're going to move past the insecurities with your mother you need to realize that your mother has given a lot to you even if that has been mostly money and little time or affection, you need to respect her for doing what she has done, she may not be the mother you want but she's the mother you have and without her you'd have a worse life; your mother hasn't abandoned you, the two of you don't get along but she is still there and still provides the financial help you need so that you can make the life you want.

I also think I've given you a run down on your physical appearance elsewhere and I've seen many positive comments from other members of this forum. You're above average, you're certainly not below. It isn't easy to changing a negative body image especially if you've been teased by classmates. While it may seem vain I think that the best proscription is to show off, whether that is in your every day life or on the internet; show yourself off, talk to others and get their opinions on how you look and you'll see more and more that you're beautiful and what you experience in school is less a genuine appraisal of your physicality and more spite.

Cutting is a difficult thing to deal with, I don't recommend going out and telling everyone at school you cut though it seems you've been rather free with that. Opening up is important, but you need to be careful with how you project yourself or you appear to be showing off, crying for attention instead of having a serious problem and this is how many students see cutting, there is just no problem to them. Talk to adults, counselors, psychologists, random people in coffee shops, you'll find more understanding of what you're going through with people who have a higher level of maturity than children who scarcely understand who they are let alone who you are.

I hope this can be of some help, don't hesitate to reply and I'll though it may take me some time to get around to everything (you might have noticed how busy this forum was over the weekend) I'll certainly do what I can to help push you in the right direction.

Stop hanging on to the past. I know that is easier said than done, but if you keep hanging on to past sins and scars you aren't moving on or learning from them.. you are just tormenting yourself. Getting raped wasn't your fault, so stop blaming yourself. You need to realize that it wasn't your fault before you can start to move on. Those nightmares won't go away until you deal with that situation or find some means of closure. You HAVE to let yourself move on, I don't know how many times I can stress this.

We are our own harshest critic, I am sure you aren't nearly as bad as you claim to be and if there are things you don't like about yourself you can change them. Instead of using your energy to put yourself down take time improving the areas of your life that need changing.

Have you tried telling your mother how her actions affect you? We can't choose our blood relatives, but that doesn't mean you can't find family else-where. Sometimes the people in our life that aren't related to us by blood are the ones that serve as our real family. If there is nothing you can do about your relationship with your mother then don't beat yourself up over it or dwell on it.. instead try to invest more of your time on those in your life who have shown you love or compassion.

Have you ever reported the rape and are you still drinking?

Live by the quote It's ALL good. Negative things tend to not bother you as much, if you dont think of is at an issuse. Your looks shouldnt matter, what other people say shouldnt hurt you in any way. I was told i was fat, I denied it. IF I FEEL AS IF IM FAT, then ill take it into control and do something about it. (work out, diet and so on) The whole relationship with your mom situation, ignore it. Give yourself time to get to know what your mom has been through. If she yells, instead of yelling back, stand quite and listen. Apologize if needed. Most of the time two hard headed people get no where. So just be willing to listen to what she says and in time she will realize that she is messing up. Think postive, Listen to postive music and think of everything as being ALLL GOOOD.


ItsALLgood

It is a hard thing to do in moderation once you have had drinking problems before. Hell, I still struggle with it myself sometimes. When you find it starts to interfere with your life though it is time to cut back.

Fuck. That is why I hate the legal system.. they are quick to bust people for weed and shit, but when it comes to the stuff that matters they do almost nothing to help. I would honestly seek some sort of counseling for what has happened to you, you may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome which is not something easy or fun to deal with without professional help.

That's because she probably waited. The law tries its best to be fair and that requires evidence, anyone can say "He raped me" but what is to prove it. First you have to prove you had sex which is difficult without him cumming inside her and she getting a rape kit performed and then she has to prove it wasn't consensual and while being intoxicated means you can not consent and are considered a victim if he was also intoxicated than he is considered unable to give consent and is considered a victim.

The law is fair and that makes it difficult to work with. You need to have evidence something illegal actually happened or the law can't do anything about it.