I decided to rewrite the thread well the other thread was about like a single problem I was having so I guess i'll start writing the rest. I don't really know where to begin or end but here goes. I have no social life whatsoever and never really have had a social life. I've never talked to people about my emotions in my life I would just sit in class and no one would notice me. Even at the end of the years no one would notice me and I don't really blame them. As much as I try to be social and need to socialize to be in good mental health and stay alive I just can't. When i'm around people I can't fucking stand them when i'm not around them I can't stand being alone. I find it hard to talk in school but in public I don't really have a huge problem with that but I wouldn't like go up to someone and say "hey want to be friends". I haven't had a conversation in like five months and I just wake up every day thinking about suicide. I can't really ever be happy and if I had to honestly tell you if I was ever happy I don't think I could answer it. My brain always finds a way to depress me no matter what. I can't fucking take it. There is most definitely something wrong with my brain because i'm sure that its not normal I can never be happy and thats not an exaggeration. Even if something isn't really that bad compared to other people it eats away at my brain and I can't take it. My family sucks I don't even know half or all of them anymore and they just don't care. I told my mom to take me to a therapist the doctor or something and she doesn't really care. I have also seen disturbing shit because they don't respect me and like I said before even if it happened five years ago it still will eat away at my brain until I am physically exhausted. I have heard them having sex and when i was like 14-15 I was walking past the kitchen and I guess my stepdad opened the door or something and my mom was almost naked with pantyhose on or something and I don't know my brain was looking down in the butt region I guess trying to figure out what she was wearing cause at the time I couldn't like tell if she was naked or wearing something it was just like 30 seconds of me staring I walked away and then walked back and stared and walked away finally. That shit was nasty and even though it pissed me off at the time just like everything else it sticks in my brain and gets bigger after days to months to years. When I was 12, I wore a bunch of her underwear [which I can understand I was 12 at the time and really it wasn't that bad just curiosity] but even that just sticks in my brain. I was on 4chan like 10 days ago which I seen children models and I had replied to it asking if they were 18 and I visited the site to see if they were 18 I realized they weren't and I got off but that hurts me too even though I didn't find it anyway appealing I got banned from 4chan for replying so i stopped going on it for both of those reasons. I feel like a pedophile just because I saw that stuff and I don't want like the cops coming to my house thinking I was looking up that shit on purpose and what not. I'm the kind of person who if I don't know what I saw it will not stop fucking with my brain. Than like I said where I thought the cartoon porn I was watching was mixed ages like adults and children but they are adults but i feel like a pedo cause I thought it was mixed ages. I'm 17 now but I honestly don't see a future. I want to have a family someday but I don't even feel like I would be a father or a good husband I would just be the sicko. I can't stand kids and don't really see anything that would make people attractive to them its gross but I feel like down the line I might be one of those pedophiles. I don't really know but i'm done with this post right now. If I suffocated myself no longer would I have to feel like shit every time I breathe in but then again I know every time I try to kill myself I stop and realize that I don't get another chance or another life. I can either live in hell on earth or kill myself and go to the real hell. These decisions suck dick

Yeah. My family things i'm just trying to get attention or something so they won't do that. [Sorry about the late reply]