Making new friends in college..

    • Making new friends in college..

      First let me say that for the majority of the posters here, we came here because of a bad real life situation or problems in our past. My story is very long and complex, but I'm just going to write a quick summary on one part of my story because it relates to the topic I need advice in.

      Back in high school, I had a lot more acquaintances than actual friends. You know, the type of person you know at a party from somewhere else and say what's up, then move on to the next person. From those acquaintances I had a group of closer acquaintances, around 10-20 kids, and from those 10-20 kids comes from 3-4 of my close friends. The problem is, our relationships revolved around drugs and alcohol. Whatever we did, it had to involve those. At the end of the day and from therapy, I realized I only had 4-5 close friends out of those 20 kids. :(

      That didn't bother me, though. I'm entering college, starting off fresh. I get to meet a lot of new people and get to make new friends. At my college orientation, I met a group of kids. It was fun, I thought I was making some nice new friends. Now at college, these kids ignore me. They don't hit me up, and when I hit them up, they either:

      1.) Don't text me back
      2.) Aren't very into the conversations

      So, now I'm saying to myself, what the hell did I do wrong? Why did they stop hitting me up? Now, as a couple of you know, I am very non-judgmental. I will become friends with anyone. However, it gets to the point where I need to select my core group of friends, and not just acquaintances. The problem I'm already seeing is that a lot of people have made those close friends, and I haven't. It's not that I'm here without anyone to talk to, I have some kids I chill with, but.. it just reminds me of the acquaintances before I came to college.

      The other thing is, I try to meet new people in my hall. They seem to ignore me. I'd be like, hey what's up, what's goin on. I usually like to start conversations. Then they look at me like I'm from a different planet. Am I ugly or something? I just don't understand at all what the hell the problem is. It's very high school like at my school at the moment, and I can't stand it.

      I'm going to join some clubs such as a frat, a political action club, soccer, and some community service clubs.. but.. how far is that going to go?

      Basically, I'm really worried about making those close, group of friends. I lost the ones back at home which I miss a lot. I can be myself around them. I can't be myself here. I haven't met friends where I can be myself, and that really worries me. I'm not shy, either. However, I'm not overly social. I like to start up conversations, I like to hang out, I like to do shit, but when it comes to other people, they won't want to do it with me. I feel like shit to be honest.
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    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      Well, they say that college is the place you go to reinvent yourself. I can't offer too much other than the experiences that I've been having in my first year of college. The one major difference that I have is that my boyfriend is here with me at the same college. That's both a huge benefit and a minor setback at the same time. I already have my best friend here so I'm not lonely or frustrated, but because he IS here, we are both less inclined to really get out there and meet others, because we are already with someone who feels familiar and comfortable.

      I think I would be daunted to be in your position. Just judging from how being at college across country from where I grew up, I would be freaking out if I were alone. From what you are saying, though, you are being proactive. You are getting yourself out there and trying to make friends, you are getting phone numbers, you are saying hello to people and trying to strike up conversations. That's a pretty good start, it's not like you are just keeping to yourself and being unapproachable to your other classmates.

      So what aren't you doing right? I know that it kind of feels like you are the outsider and everyone is is part of a group that won't let you in, but keep in mind that pretty much every other freshman at the school is in the exact same boat you are. They are all feeling a little bit out of place and vulnerable, and maybe a lot of them are shy about meeting new people. Add to that the pressure of being thrown to the wolves in college, where the work is much harder and you are left to your own devices to figure out what you are supposed to be doing, more often than not. That leads to a lot of people who are distracted and might not be in the best situation to start making friends. Keep that in mind before you get your feelings hurt and see their brush-offs as being something personal.

      Personally, I think you just need to give it a little bit of time and keep doing what you are doing. You were totally right about joining groups. The more social activities that you are involved in, the more people you are going to meet. And don't give up on the people you are already trying to be friends with. I really think that you might find that once you ease a little bit further into the term, you might find that people get a little more friendly. That's what I'm experiencing anyway. The guarded feel that everyone is having is slowly starting to disappear and they are starting to open up a little more easily.

      I know how you are feeling. College is pretty scary, but at least you are in good company. All around you are people going through pretty much the same thing. I really hope things work out for you. Let me know how it goes :)

    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      I pretty much have the same problem too. But that I'm too shy to approach anyone to be a friend. I feel like, if anyone wanted me to be their friend, they'd make a point of making sure they got to know me. Maybe that's how other people think too. I don't know.

      I'm no where near as shy as I used to be. I can talk to people and be comfortable, but I'm not comfortable with talking to someone new for the first time. I could pick someone who looks cool or interesting, or has the same style as me, but I can never think of what I would say or I just assume they'd be like, "Uhh, why the hell is this dude talking to me?"

      I'm always looking for conversation starters, like something about them I find interesting. Maybe a T-shirt or a bracelet. Or I don't know, their hair if it's a girl, but then I feel like they'd just think I'm hitting on them if I say I like their hair when I truly just mean I think it looks nice. I like longboarding so I'd really like to talk to one of them, maybe start a conversation about it, but they're always effing moving!
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    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      Jenna wrote:

      Well, they say that college is the place you go to reinvent yourself. I can't offer too much other than the experiences that I've been having in my first year of college. The one major difference that I have is that my boyfriend is here with me at the same college. That's both a huge benefit and a minor setback at the same time. I already have my best friend here so I'm not lonely or frustrated, but because he IS here, we are both less inclined to really get out there and meet others, because we are already with someone who feels familiar and comfortable.

      I think I would be daunted to be in your position. Just judging from how being at college across country from where I grew up, I would be freaking out if I were alone. From what you are saying, though, you are being proactive. You are getting yourself out there and trying to make friends, you are getting phone numbers, you are saying hello to people and trying to strike up conversations. That's a pretty good start, it's not like you are just keeping to yourself and being unapproachable to your other classmates.

      So what aren't you doing right? I know that it kind of feels like you are the outsider and everyone is is part of a group that won't let you in, but keep in mind that pretty much every other freshman at the school is in the exact same boat you are. They are all feeling a little bit out of place and vulnerable, and maybe a lot of them are shy about meeting new people. Add to that the pressure of being thrown to the wolves in college, where the work is much harder and you are left to your own devices to figure out what you are supposed to be doing, more often than not. That leads to a lot of people who are distracted and might not be in the best situation to start making friends. Keep that in mind before you get your feelings hurt and see their brush-offs as being something personal.

      Personally, I think you just need to give it a little bit of time and keep doing what you are doing. You were totally right about joining groups. The more social activities that you are involved in, the more people you are going to meet. And don't give up on the people you are already trying to be friends with. I really think that you might find that once you ease a little bit further into the term, you might find that people get a little more friendly. That's what I'm experiencing anyway. The guarded feel that everyone is having is slowly starting to disappear and they are starting to open up a little more easily.

      I know how you are feeling. College is pretty scary, but at least you are in good company. All around you are people going through pretty much the same thing. I really hope things work out for you. Let me know how it goes :)


      Firstly, thanks to people who have posted so far.

      To expand on my first post a bit..

      My room mate and I get along but he's a little on the weird side. I only have one room mate. I chose one instead of having a suite, where you can have 8 people. I think it was a mistake picking only one room mate. Not only that, I came here knowing no one at all. So, of course I try to make friends through facebook before the semester started. However, people on facebook are obviously different in real life.

      I know there are people like me here. However, it sucks when I see people already finding their groups of friends. I like bonding. Of course I have some people I've been partying with, but I wouldn't call that bonding yet.

      It's almost as if people hang out with you, and then they jump ship to find another person to hang out with, and then jump ship to find another person, and might rebound to join my ship once again. I don't like that. I feel used.

      It also sucks because I don't want to come off as annoying. I don't want to hit people up everyday - they don't hit me up so maybe they don't like me? This is so stupid that this is about friends I feel like I'm writing about a relationship. :nono:
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    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      No, it really isn't stupid at all. It's FRICKEN LONELY to be all by yourself with nobody to talk to, especially when you see other people having a good time and (seemingly) adjusting to school better than you are. There's a girl that just passed by me not long ago that I've tried talking to her like three times and she just kind of brushes me off. I'm trying really hard no to take it the wrong way and just give her the benefit of the doubt. It's hard, but I know that there's others that have said hello to me and I was just busy or not in a position to talk and gave them about the same reaction.

      Don't look at them as jumping ship and coming back if they don't find anyone better. I seriously doubt that anyone has that in mind when they are talking to you. Really, I think the more groups of people you expose yourself to, the better your odds of finding some really good friends.

    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      There could be any number of reasons it's happening. They're jumping ship because they're in the same boat as you - kind of "trying out" new friends. You may feel like you're being the annoying one to always start conversations first and such, but maybe to a lot of people that's a relief - it seems like the majority are the people who are too afraid to be the first one to say hi, or want to "test" people by waiting to see if they'll text first.

      My first year was like that too, I suppose. I went through a few acquaintances before I settled in with more legit friends. You might start to notice people who are in a lot of your classes, or even have to do group work with some of them. You'll find people that are more like you than you'd ever imagine! By the end of the year the group of friends that I had kind of drew from a bunch of other different groups - they still had all their other friends, too.

      I'm at a different uni again this year and I've recently met a girl that's very much like you. By the sounds of things last year she had a lot of people she knew but didn't really get close enough to anyone to do a lot of hanging out or whatever. Which is crazy, because she has the best conversation and "getting to know people" skills of anyone I've ever met in my life. I think I want her to become my new best friend, haha. Just keep at it and you'll find your niche eventually! :)

    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      Scaredycrow wrote:

      I've recently met a girl that's very much like you. By the sounds of things last year she had a lot of people she knew but didn't really get close enough to anyone to do a lot of hanging out or whatever. Which is crazy, because she has the best conversation and "getting to know people" skills of anyone I've ever met in my life. I think I want her to become my new best friend, haha. Just keep at it and you'll find your niche eventually! :)


      That's pretty much exactly how I am at the moment, you hit the nail on the head. :hugs:
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    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      Trust me, I know exactly what you feel. It will get better. I know what it's like to be around those people who act like you're an alien when you say hi or acknowledge them. Screw them. Those kind of people will always be around and so will people who you will get along with, it just takes some time. In high school, I literally knew almost every student in my class, but NONE of them were close to the point where I would hang out with them outside of school. Partly my fault, but when I got out of high school, it hit me hard. Now, I've got friends because I gave it a chance and in my mind, said fuck you to those who didn't acknowledge me for whatever reason.

      Some people are still immature after high school and think it's all about looking good and hanging out with people who will make you look better.

    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      I used to be like that, had nearly no friends at all :) So i can feel ya man :/

      But luck has changed recently, probably because i changed my way of thinking quite a lot. I take every opportunity i get to hang with people anywhere, i often ask them to hand with me etc. and that way they actually got to know the real me and out of nowhere i became about the most popular "kid" in my class. Sure most are not my close friends, but they would hang out with me and a few are really close friends of mine.

      So i think you really should join those social groups and get to know some new people and just let them see the real you. It worked for me very well, might work for you as well :)

    • Re: Making new friends in college..

      I think you need to look at the whole college thing this way: No-one knows you, so no-one has any expectations of you, so you can just be yourself without trying to think of how everyone else would expect you to act. It's tough trying to fit in somewhere you know no-one, and it's always gonna be hard to start conversations, but if you don't try you can't succeed.

      You've got the right idea joining clubs and societies, it'll give you a chance to meet people with similar interests to you. And it'll give you something to talk about right off, whatever it is that's connecting you.

      You've just got to stick it out and you'll find people eventually. I think a lot of people concern themselves more with settling into college and getting used to classes in the first few weeks anyway, so once everyone's more comfortable it'll be easier too.


      How big are your classes, btw? 'Cause I managed to get lucky and land myself in a small class, and a couple of people were so organised they got about 80% of the class to go to lunch together at the end of the first week, and that's pretty much how we all got talking. But I have friends in courses where all their classes have 500+ people in them, and all different people, and they can be talking to someone one day and then never see them again =/
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