Do I have reason to be upset?

    • Do I have reason to be upset?

      Okay I will try to keep this long story as short as possible.
      Basically I'm a senior at a large University and have two best friends. One female I met freshman year, and one male bestfriend I met sophomore year.
      The girl (Carly) is the person I go to whenever I want to talk about anything and has been a great friend to me. My guy friend (Matt) is typically the one I party with and stuff.

      Well I introduced them to each other last year and the got along just fine. And I was glad for that. They only were around each other once or twice last year (my birthday for example), but hit it off great when they were together.

      This year is unique in that Carly's boyfriend now goes to school here. And likewise Matt's girlfriend transferred here. It has taken some adjustment and I don't always get to hang out with Matt or Carly as much as before but I've come to accept that and it doesn't really bother me anymore.

      Lately Matt has been upsetting me a lot. It's hard to explain the situation to people who don't know him. He's one of those guys that is friends with everyone and has tons of girl and guy friends. He isn't athletic or like a jock or anything, but he makes up for it for just being a cool person to be around. His roommates on the otherhand are totally jocks and always act really tough and stuff. Well it's football season so almost every weekend his roomates' friends come down to party. Matt will invite me over but act completely rude to me. He tries so hard to fit in and acts like a complete douche around these other guys. And that's when he invites me over.
      For the most part more and more he doesn't include me anymore. I know not to take it personally because I know him better than that... but it still hurts when I here from people how much he goes out and stuff but never includes me anymore. But I can't just talk to him and be like "Wahhhh why don't you invite me out anymore" you know?

      Okay so there is the background. Well anyways Matt's girl loves my friend Carly. And we have hung out together 3 or 4 times this year and it's been fun.
      Well this past monday Matt dropped a bomb on me! He texts me saying that he doesn't want me to be upset or anything... But him, his girlfriend, Carly, and her boyfriend planned a double date weekend getaway type of thing. Apparently they had talked about it hypothetically at some point (I dont know when... I didn't even know they really talked when I wasn't present)... but now it's official.
      I was so hurt when I found out, and I don't know what's bothering me so much. I hate that I'm not included or that they're doing this without me... but jealousy isn't even close to the main reason I think I'm so upset. I guess I just feel like my friendship with Matt has been slipping lately, and the fact he's planning/going on trips with Carly and behind my back annoys me.
      I don't know who to be more upset with. Matt or Carly. My friend Carly isn't like Matt where she hangs out with a ton of people she kind of keeps to herself and her boyfriend. I'm really the only other close friend she has... so now that she's taking these fun trips with matt I'm kinda like... geez get your own friends you know?

      They both have text me saying they don't want me to feel bad or think they planned this purposely without me knowing or want it to be a big deal. But it is.
      I don't have any clue how to go about this. I know most people will say "just talk to them and tell you how you feel." But I really can't. What would I even say without sounding bitter and jealous? And I can tell their intentions were good. Matt wants me to go over to his apartment tomorrow and go out with him and his roommates. He hasn't asked me to do that for a few weeks. And Carly wants to meet and catch up tomorrow also before I go over there.
      Part of me wants to just text them both tomorrow and tell him I'm just saying in so they will get the hint I'm upset. But that's so hypocritcal of me because I was already upset Matt doesn't invite me out anymore but this week he actually is. But on the otherhand I don't want to pretend everything is cool when something is upsetting me.

      Any advice?

    • Re: Do I have reason to be upset?

      fuck man that was an essay lol well... since you are a senior in college and im a sophomore myself, i think we can both agree its really hard to find real true good friends, so id say the best thing to do is just remind them exactly how much you appreciate that friendship and let em know that hangin out and shit with them is a lot of fun and you hope that when you get old and 60 all of yall can still hang out and reminisce about old times (for real i had to do this to a friend of mine who was straying and now we back on track) i dont believe a big intervention is needed but just remind them how much that friendship means to you and how you would hate for it to slowly go away. you are all adults so im sure they would understand and probably feel the same way you do as far as maintaining that friendship
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    • Re: Do I have reason to be upset?

      First off, about staying in tomorrow to hint that you are upset. Let me make this clear:

      DO. NOT. DO. THIS.

      This is a very slippery slope that rarely ends well. If you aren't comfortable actually talking with your friends about the way that you feel, then you shouldn't be throwing around hints as a substitution for actual discussion. They are already more than aware this is hurting you, you can tell that just by their actions. If you attempt to use hints to provoke them into recognizing your pain, then the only direction it can possibly go is to escalate into a fight - you versus the two of them. That's a losing battle, you don't want any part of it.

      They are both trying to set things right by you in their own ways. LET THEM. These do not sound like the actions of people that don't care about you, they sound like the actions of people who care about you quite a bit. I think you need to really recognize that fact before you let this get out of hand.

      Do you have a reason to be upset? Yes and no. Your friends should have shown more empathy, but you should also show them some back. You have a gripe, but you need to ask yourself if this is really the cause you are willing to martyr yourself over?

    • Re: Do I have reason to be upset?

      @Jenna... I totally agree with not trying to provoke this and make things worse. I think not going over tomorrow was just my initial reaction before I had a couple days to let it sink in and reflect. I am certainly planning on going tomorrow but it will be kind of awkward because I really doubt it gets brought up... I think best case scenario from their viewpoints is I just don't say anything more about it, so they don't have to bring it up ever...
      And part of me thinks it would be really fake of me to act all happy and perky around them. And even if I decide that would be the best thing to do. (Because lets be honest they have been pretty respectful towards me about this)... I just feel like they'd let it go. Go on their trip. Have fun. I'd be looking through pics on facebook and feeling more upset. And they would never truly know how much it bothered me.

      Okay typing that out helped me realize my dilemma. I guess it's somewhat important for me to let them (or hint to them) that I am a little hurt. But how to go about that without confronting them and sound like I'm whining, or these playing passive-aggressive games...
      Conflicted between the pros and cons of each scenario. Do I somehow indicate I'm upset to them and risk more conflict or making myself sound totally bitter, jealous, and immature. Or just let it go and not say anything about it and continue to be upset over it.

    • Re: Do I have reason to be upset?

      Although they have been seeing you less recently, you should try to see their motives behind not inviting you on the double date. They may have been trying to do you a favor. If you had gone, you may have felt out-of-place by being a fifth wheel. That almost always happens in situations like that and they may have wanted to a avoid that. I know my girlfriend and I sometimes invite some of our good friends out and then sometimes we don't because we know they would feel awkward.

      I wouldn't outright complain to them about seeing you less because it makes you look selfish even when you aren't. They each have their partners with them now and that is the number one reason behind spending less time with you and you can't do much about that. I think the best you can do is maybe brush quickly on the subject - don't make it some massive ordeal - and tell them you'd appreciate it and it would make you very happy if you could be included more often.

      One thing you should do though is talk to Matt about how he treats you. This situation is its own problem that should be tackled separately. Regardless of how often I see a friend, I'd want him or her to be kind to me when I do. Tell him that it hurts you how he tries to fit in and does so by being rude. Make sure he knows that if he has decent friends, they will accept him how he is; he doesn't need to act like that and completely degrade the rest of his friends.

      Other than that, I wouldn't try to tamper with the situation too much. They both realize how their actions and decisions may hurt you, so they're doing their best to remedy them to show that they care.
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    • Re: Do I have reason to be upset?

      artizhay wrote:


      I wouldn't outright complain to them about seeing you less because it makes you look selfish even when you aren't. They each have their partners with them now and that is the number one reason behind spending less time with you and you can't do much about that. I think the best you can do is maybe brush quickly on the subject - don't make it some massive ordeal - and tell them you'd appreciate it and it would make you very happy if you could be included more often.



      Pretty much this exactly.

      There's no reason for you to completely put your feelings aside, nor should you have to. But neither should you use it as a weapon against them. Just letting them know that it bothers you and then moving on is probably the best action you can take that won't inflame the situation and put a rift between you and your friends. But again, just based on the actions that they have already taken, I guarantee that they already know that you are upset about it, that's why they are going to so much extra effort with you to keep you from being mad at them. See it for what it is: a genuine effort to smooth things over with you.