So this is my first post. I really wanted to get advice and remain anonymous so here it goes:

My mom and dad have fought ever since I can remember. My dad had serious rage control issues, cheated on my mom, has resorted to physical and verbal abuse with her. He frequently yelled at my sisters and I so much that we'd say we hated him and shook in fear when we did something that might make him unhappy. I was also aware at a young age of his extensive pornography collection, it didn't weird me out too much at the time.

When i was 14 my parents had a huge blowup, and he threw my sister into a wall, we called the police, and thus began my parents divorce. It took two years, and it was ugly. Finally in february of my sophomore year it was finished. A month later, i was with my dad when he was arrested, the detectives refused to tell me what happened. the next day my mom told me my dad had been arrested on criminal sexual assault charges, felony drug possesion, and manufacturing of child pornography. needless to say I was shocked, disgusted, and terribly upset.

It's been two years since then, and he's spent time in jaill, is a registered sex offender, and my sisters and I refused to talk to him for over a year. This past may i had a freak car accident where a girl ran into the side of my car while i was going through a big scary intersection. We were both at fault. I drove away so unbelievably scared just wanting my mom. I was shaking and sweating all over. I did not know this was a felony, and I spent 3 days in solitary confinement and 2 days at one of the roughest jails in the country. When i got bailed out, every news van in the city was there to watch me go. i finally found out the magnitudeof what happened, the girl was in a medically induced coma for brain trauma. I wanted to kill myself for what I did to this girl. She was 16 and they thought she might not make it. Thank god, she pulled though. For the past four months i have been a media spectacle, just like my dad was. As a result we were reunited, because he wanted to support me and help me as best as he could. because I am 18, this was not an issue, since I'm not a minor anymore. i ended up avoiding jail time.

I have been spending mor and more time with my father. He has no internet access, and leads a very loney, sad, life. I think I am what keeps him going. Today he gave me a flash drive to put a file that his brother had sent to my email. When i put the flash drive in, there was a copy of a journal he had been keeping, along with varyious other psychological interpretations about his desire for lots of pornography. In the journal I read things I didn't totally know about. He had written each of us (my family) suicide notes. they were over a year old, and he is still alive today. He describes his nightmares and crying about how he missed us so badly. he speaks of being financially tight, enduring mean comments from many people he used to know and love. He continuously mentions his desire for simple affection and love from somebody. I couldn't help but break down and cry and be so thankful that these suicide notes weren't in the context of his actual death.

We both messed up so badly, I know our situations differ, but we have both dealt with so much public scrutiny. I can't help but wonder if he put those files on the flash drive because he wanted me to see the realities of the past year or so. right now all I can think about is wanting to be there for him. He says he just wants someone to hold. I want to be that person, but I feel like at my age it might be strange. I need to know what you all think. Please help

Hey Treebark, thanks for the support anyway. I'm sorry about your father, and I lost nearly all of my friends through my most recent ordeal. They thought I was playing the victim, when in reality I just didn't know how to express thoughts rationally immediately after such a traumatic situation.

forgive me for not knowing how to quote properly.
DeamonD, if I didn't make myself clear, my dad has been released from jail, he just has a lot of restrictions put on him. I appreciate the kind words.

I know my father would never act inappropriate (in a sexual/physical way). I have often tried to put myself in his shoes. I know what it's like to feel abandoned, but not in the sense that he was. Like, I know it's okay to hug my dad, but where do you draw the line? It's totaly fine for a three year old to have physical affection from their father in terms of snuggling or whatever. I just think my dad needs more than a hug. Is this a weird question to ask?? Understand I mean this in the most appropriate of ways. I mean I want to be there for him emotionally, like talk him through it but sometimes thats not enough, you need to put your arm around them. Things are still relatively awkward between us, I don't like to talk about what he did. I just need this cleared up so badly.

dannym2326 wrote:

I'm a huge believer in forgiveness, your dad has paid up society for his horrific crime and it's really time to move on. As for the girl I'd strongly recommend going to see her, telling her the truth, maby she will forgive you aswell.

When you say "her", do you mean the girl I got into the accident with? If so, I've still been thinking about my next move on what to say. I've written her and her family two latters already, and from what my mom found out. they didn't want to read them. *Sigh* sometimes you just have to wait.

In other news, my dad watched porn and got sent to jail for 60 days. He also lied to me and said he was going to court for only doing it once. On the paperwork it said it was 3 separate occasions. I already wrote him a letter saying I forgive him and all, but damn it's like....when do I draw the line?! being abusive, getting arrested for disgusting things, threatening my mom, and getting himself sent away right as we were starting to get close again. God damnitt.