Holding Everything Together.. Barely

    • Holding Everything Together.. Barely

      Some days it feels like I have all my crap together and others it feels like I'm only holding it all together with flimsy bits of tape. There's so much stuff I have to do. Serious, life changing stuff. College applications, SAT and ACT, driving test, volunteer hours, projects, college-level classes, liking boys, hating boys, liking girls so much more.

      Looking at things in a positive light, you could say I've got everything under control. I mean, I found a really great college that should be somewhat easy to get into, I get a second chance to take the SAT, I'm finally comfortable driving, I'm getting all my volunteer stuff set up, I've got plenty of time to finish my projects, I've got A's in all of my classes and am at the top of my college-level class, and a boy asked me out for the first time.

      Sounds great, right? Well, it doesn't feel great. It all feels like a ton of bricks on my shoulders.
      On days when my depression kicks in I feel like I'm going to break down. I just feel like I'm not cut out for all of this.

      What if I don't get into the college I want to get into? I'll be devastated.
      My SAT and ACT scores are extremely weak. My ACT score is one point below the college's minimum and this college is not exactly a school for geniuses. My SAT score is just a joke. I feel like an idiot. I'm retaking the SAT this weekend and I haven't studied at all. I have no time this week to study either because I've got midterms and a bunch of other stuff.

      I've never been one to stress over tests. I love tests actually. I love retaining loads of information and then spitting it all out on paper. This is why I'm doing so great in my Animal Science class, the college-level course. I have yet to get a grade below 90. The tests are the hardest tests I've ever taken and yet I continuously score above 100. I don't understand how I can do so good on these tests and then be a complete failure at taking the SAT.

      On top of all this school stuff, I'm also dealing with my sexuality. In every single one of my classes there's at least one girl I'm incredibly attracted to. Every day I get pains in my stomach looking at these girls because I know I could never have a chance with them. They're all straight and all totally out of my league. That's the kind of girls I'm attracted to. Straight, gorgeous ones.

      I can deal with it, sure, but then.. on top of all that I have this really sweet guy wanting to go on a date with me. I'm don't have any friends so this is a pretty big deal. I really want to be friends with him, plus he has a lot of friends who he could introduce me to. I don't want to scare him off by telling him I think I'm gay. I'm not ready to tell anyone anyways.

      Agh.. getting all of this out helps, but writing it has given me a headache.
      [CENTER][SIGPIC][/SIGPIC][/CENTER][COLOR="Indigo"][CENTER]Block out all your demons with
      white noise, pills, and Jesus[/CENTER][/COLOR]

    • Re: Holding Everything Together.. Barely

      I understand some of what you're going through... My life seems perfect to so many people yet I find myself completely depressed. I'm also struggling with my sexuality and watching my best friend, the love of my life, date this girl and constantly talk about her. I know that I can't fix your problems but I'd love to talk to you to hopefully ease the pain, stuff like that has helped me before. One thing I can say is that you're obviously great at animal science and it sounds like you enjoy it- maybe that's your calling for the future. Scores aren't everything for college and even if you don't get into your first choice college there are many others. Right now with life being so busy for you, one thing you need is fun. Find something you love to do, regardless of what anyone might think. Try and make time for whatever it is and enjoy life. Maybe give that guy a chance, if you discover that you really are gay then he could still be a great friend or source of fun. Try and take everything one step at a time rather than thinking about everything at once. I know that it's freaking hard but you can get through this, college is close and that can change your life. Feel free to talk to me whenever, hope this has been helpful

    • Re: Holding Everything Together.. Barely

      First of all, music helps everything. Listen to the uplifting stuff…. Maybe The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls, good and good for you. The way to go for you is to think positive, you will get into your college, you have all the chances in the world you need to retake your SAT, to get the score you want. You’re obviously smart, brilliant if you can make 100’s in a college course in high school, I cant do that, too much work… some people just don’t test well, stress builds up, and you break down… You’re obviously smart enough to pass the test SAT, you just need to not think about it so much. When looked at from the darker and more depressed point of view, life always seems to be falling apart, and like a ton of bricks, but you have to realized that in reality, you have everything well balanced, everything is on track, and you’re doing just fine.
      The sexuality part…. I can’t help you there, if you’re not ready to be open with the world about it, you could just try telling this guy that you’re simply not ready to date but still want to be friends. If it were me I’d be a little bit embarrassed, but wouldn’t think too much of it. But anyway, I hope that helped some
      Never give in, Never give up, and NEVER settle for second place

    • Re: Holding Everything Together.. Barely

      You need to break things down into manageable pieces. When you eat a pizza, you don't shove the whole thing in your mouth, do you? No, you take bite-size chunks at a time.

      Prioritize the things you need to do. You may feel like you need to do it all at once, and you may want to do it all at once, but you shouldn't. Personally, I feel volunteering isn't as important as your SAT. The SAT is a huge weight on its own, so I would just let your volunteer coordinator know that you don't want to start till after you take the test.

      Driving tests are relatively easy and you shouldn't put it high on your burden list. Just think: you're going to be driving every day (or close to it) after you pass the test, get your license, and all of that. The driving test is just like another one of those days, no harder, no easier, so don't make a big deal out of it.

      The SAT is a logic and reasoning test while school tests are a recitation of bits of information. There are many people like who, who can retain information, but retaining information is not the same as using logic to solve a problem. Just get some study books and take practice SATs. Generally focus on critical reading. The logic is based on using, at the minimum, context clues to recognize meaning, tone, themes, etc. There are many books to help you on this, but I think one of the strongest things to know that isn't logic-based is vocabulary. This shouldn't be too hard for you because it's just retaining information.

      As for the sexuality, while I generally cannot help you with that, I can tell you that a relationship with anyone will not be helpful for you right now. While it may seem fun and exciting, it will eventually be on your burden list because you have to dedicate time to your partner while somehow managing to complete the other tasks. Set relationships aside for right now.
      Golden Enterprises, Inc. - CEO
      Iconiplex, LLC - Managing Member
      Emerald Summit Capital Group, LLC - President

    • Re: Holding Everything Together.. Barely

      Thanks for your input guys, especially Jjplane. Reading what you wrote helped me get to sleep last night.

      I have to put a few things on hold for awhile because I slammed a car door on my thumb today. Using my thumb is not really an option right now so driving and volunteering will have to wait. It's funny, for some reason I'm in such a good mood. Probably because I took 3 painkillers and don't feel like cutting my thumb off anymore.

      Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks.
      [CENTER][SIGPIC][/SIGPIC][/CENTER][COLOR="Indigo"][CENTER]Block out all your demons with
      white noise, pills, and Jesus[/CENTER][/COLOR]