Completely Fed Up.

    • Completely Fed Up.

      I know it's been a long time since I've been on this site and I probably don't deserve to post anything, but I need some way to vent right now.

      I'm so sick of feeling like the biggest bitch in the world. I know it's not even true - I'm actually pretty nice - but that doesn't stop that inner voice from telling me that I'm the worst thing to walk the earth.
      For years I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and I can't figure it out - apparently neither can my many doctors. In middle school one thing led to another and I basically taught myself that self harm was the solution to every stress. I've struggled with bad times and some better for what seems like an eternity. Over the last few months I was finally able to slow myself to a point where I often thought about it, but didn't really think it was necessary. Now I seem to be letting go again, and it makes me hate myself.
      I know the most important part is not giving up, even though I'm slipping, but I just can't get over the habit.
      I'm not even depressed all of the time. Many people wouldn't even think of me as depressed, because I'm often a very happy, funny person. So then why do I have such severe periods of low that I can think my only way out is death?
      I've been to psychiatrists before and since I also have periods of "happy" they all say that I'm either a) not depressed or b) slightly depressed but nothing to worry about.
      I wish someone would just give me a straight answer. I can't help but think I'd feel better if I actually knew what was wrong with me and didn't just think I was crazy.
      But I guess that may be a hopeless dream. I'll just have to keep struggling with fighting off those impulsive, harmful thoughts.
      I'm mostly scared it will continue to get worse, no matter how hard I try.

      Well, that's the end of story time. I guess there isn't any kind of response I expect to this - but if anyone is like me and knows what the hell is wrong (or has an idea) I'd appreciate hearing it.

    • Re: Completely Fed Up.

      The answer is stop thinking; literally, stop looking for a reason for something to be wrong with you. It looks like you're seeking a diagnosis in order to comfort yourself (ie "like, hey, I have a reason to feel sad/have a right to feel sad because I have X disorder).

      Obviously, something is bothering you; is it weight? Intelligence/knowledge? Appearance? Dry personality? No direction?

      Definitely an insecurity buried somewhere down there; only way is to tackle it to fix it.
      [CENTER][SIZE=4]Talent is built,
      not inherited....      [/SIZE]
      [/CENTER]

    • Re: Completely Fed Up.

      In this situation I'd be more worried for the doctors you're seeing if they "cant figure out whats wrong with you". It sounds like teenage depression and angst. The "periods of happy" you mention sound like anyone who is bi-polar, you experience the highs as well as the lows, doesn't mean someone isn't depressed because they can feel ok at times.

      Bigsteve has it right though, you need to find someone to talk to that will help you work out the roots of exactly what is making you feel this way. a psychiatrist probably isn't the answer, they deal more with assessing you in terms of do you need medication. but a psychologist, specifically someone who deals with teens is a good idea. And you can't kid yourself by going to see them with some pre determind mindset that it's not going to do any good, you have to be willing to be open to try things they suggest otherwise you'll get nowhere. If one isn't working, try the next, everyone is different, sometimes you need to find the right one.