I wanna put my past behind me but I don't know how..

    • I wanna put my past behind me but I don't know how..

      Well I'm 15, a sophomore in high school, and an openly bi guy. There's been a lot going on in my life lately which caused my obsessions... my grandma died when I was 12, then I moved to my new town in June 2010 and had to adjust, make new friends, start over, then my dad died in October last year and around November started dating an abuser. He was a paranoid schizophrenic, as well as bipolar. Him and my dad were close friends, and my dad was an abuser too but my dad wasn't physically...
      Anyway at first everything was nice but as time passed everything changed. My moms ex is a scrap metal man--basically his "job" is in junkyards and he lives in various motels. As soon as he rents a room in one, he never pays the bill so he has to go somewhere else.
      Also around November-December I became suicidal but I told no one about it, for fear it would become a rumor. All I had to do for it to spread was tell my mom, she's a gossiper... and since her ex was living with us back then, she would tell him everything (even stuff I told her in confidence) so I knew if I told her she'd tell him and that would be one more defense for him against me when I "act out" according to him.
      In his mind he thought I act out, that I was a rebel. But I'm actually the "nice guy" type; I'm harmless.
      So because he thought I acted out every day, he'd think I was messing with him mentally.
      He'd show me and my mom this in various forms of abuse toward me and her; I got the heavy end of the stick.
      He choked me 2 times over little things: the first time was for not putting the garbage bag in our dumpster at 6am one morning in February "the right way"....
      The second time was because he has a 3 seater truck. We were all getting in his truck once to go home, and he noticed me putting my seat belt on. He misinterpreted this as me touching my mom's ass, so he proceeded to open my side door and thrust me up. He yelled at me while thrusting me, "If you don't stop playing games with me I'll fuck you up!" and my mom looked at him and said "Billy [her ex] what's wrong with you?" twice, but he said nothing as he got in his side and we went home.
      That whole ride home I stared outside at the beautiful February scenery. That was ruined when he said some smart mouthed remark to me....

      Anyway so while all these problems were going on in my home life, in school I wasn't doing any better. I didn't see my guidance counselor until January because I thought I could hold out emotionally--that I was tough--for as long as I could.
      But after he [Billy] threatened to kill me, I didn't know what to do so the first thing I did the day after was go see my guidance counselor; from that day I saw him once a week for the rest of the school year, and I still see him now.
      Also at school I was obsessed and my grades were bad... the only grade I cared for was my History grade; an A- because I love History.
      While everything with my mom's ex was going on, I had many friends to talk to, and for that I'm grateful.
      I had my best friend Jenna, she told me that while I was suicidal she was too, and her [hot] boyfriend (who's also my close friend now) Anthony saved her from suicide and cutting herself, etc.
      So when everything would happen with my moms ex I'd tell her and she'd offer her deepest sympathy.
      Meanwhile I had to deal with obsession. I had almost eight successive crushes on my friends... Brad, Dean, James, Julia, Matt, Victoria, and Will. They all rejected me because they're str8 but the only ones I never pursued or haven't pursued are Matt (he broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago so I'm not pursuing him) and Will (I never asked him out or told him I have a crush on him but he went back to his old town where he's from and I only talk to him via Facebook) for fear of rejection.

      My most recent obsession is my friend Andrew.
      Andrew and I have been close since freshman year. Sometimes he'd do gay things to me, but after I came out to him this past February. I remember that after I came out to him as bi I said "Got a problem with that?" and he said "No, no it's fine" so it's great he was accepting of me.
      Well since we're close he always friendly flirts with me, but it's always in front of someone or a group of people. Since we have the same history class, he always used to friendly flirt with me. He's always tell me stuff like "You're beautiful" and I'd always play it off, even though I have a major crush on Andrew and I think it's awesome he called me beautiful.
      However, like all guys in my school, I think he's str8 and kidding, even though he knows I'm bi.
      But I'm not going to assume since I don't know his sexuality, and I don't want to assume.
      Me and Andrew only have the same history class but he has my geometry the period after I have. Once I had to finish a quiz and I saw my teacher's following class roll in. After I finished it and I walked toward the door I saw Andrew roll in; he told me "Donald get to class" thus I blew him 2 air kisses @ him, but he kept talking..

      So how can I put my abuse behind me and all my other obsessions and focus on becoming closer to Andrew and anyone else who comes my way?
    • One thing you can do is use your past experiences to help you be a better, stronger person. For example;
      you know what it's like to be abused so you can remember what it feels like if you ever feel like you want to abuse someone else.
      You can be compassionate towards others because you know what it's like to be sad.
      You can be a good friend because you have/had good friends and you know how important that is.