I started dating my first boyfriend four months ago, we ended up having sex two weeks after we started dating, but we knew we cared about each other and that we loved each other. My best friend of eight years decided that she could no longer be friends with me due the fact that i had, had sex. Which left me with him as my main friend, pretty much my only friend.
In the months after we were extremely happy, most of the time, but some of the time we would depress each other. Nothing incredibly serious, most of it was me, and i do believe that it is because i have never had a relationship, outside that of my best friend, and so i dont really know how to handle my emotions. But i have been trying and things were getting better.
But last night i got depressed, for no reason it just happens sometimes, and i really wanted to talk to him, but when he would respond it would be short and take a really long time, so then i asked if i could call and he just said he couldnt talk, i dont have a problem with that, it really doesnt matter, but he knew i was depressed so i kept trying to text him. And it was the same way, little one word messages or emotes, and then i asked if i could call again because it had been about an hour and he said he couldnt because he was playing a video game with his friend, and this really pissed me off and depressed me more. I really wouldnt have cared if he had told me that in the first place, but i had sat there getting more and more depressed and he couldnt talk because he was playing a video game.
So then i kept trying to text him and i ended up saying i hated him, not really hated him, but at that moment, and he never replied. So this morning i started to text him again and it was kind of normal but not really, and i felt so terrible about it, i know i dont hate him, i love him with all my heart, and i kept trying to apologize and i asked if i could call and he said no because he was with his friend, i understand that its hard to talk about this stuff when your around other people. So i waited and we finally talked and now it turns out that because i said i hate him in some random flare of emotion that meant nothing he really doesnt know what to do, he says that when he read that it broke his heart. I had no intention of doing anything of the sort, i have never really had to consider what me saying something like that might do to someone and even when i said it i didnt think it would really matter, but now he's really confused and doesnt know how he feels or what to do.
I keep trying to tell him that it was just me being stupid and saying something because i could, i know that's terrible but nothing i say has ever really mattered before, but he really just doesnt know. And now i'm afraid that he'll want to break up with me and i really don't know what i do if that happened, i know that i would live and that life would go on, but he has become and intricate part of my life. I told him that he should leave me because it would make him happier but i really dont want him to, i just want him to do what's best for him.
I dont know what's going to happen now, i told him that i would leave him alone for aslong as he wanted so he could see if he could figure it out. But tomorrows monday and i dont know what's going to happen.
If anyone has any advice that they think could help, i would be so unbelievably grateful