It's the first time in a long time I've thought about suicide.

Now I question it every minute I'm not distracting myself. I just want the pain to end... sort of. Part of me enjoys the experience- and enjoys every experience. That part of me just wants to drift through life and experience interesting things.

But whenever I'm not distracting myself any more I feel like I'm in my own personal hell. Everything I do reminds me of the past. Eating, sleeping, dreaming, driving, showering, cooking, cleaning, hell- just fucking breathing. The part of me that feels this pain of the present and past, wants it to end.

Because of the stress, I am barely eating. I'm never hungry. I need to remind myself to eat. (isn't really a 'bad' thing in my situation [390lbs] but the fact that it's happening isn't good). I feel like throwing up all the time, sometimes just stomach acid when there is no food to throw up. My head is spinning, high blood pressure, and I almost had a psychotic break when this all started (i had to cut myself and squeeze the cut in order to stay conscious [otherwise in the state I was in I could have died]).

I have amazing control over my emotions. If I wanted to, I could simply push myself into a void state, and feel (almost) nothing. But here is another problem...

I don't want to. I've lived 4 years without being numb and cold, and I don't want to do it again. and at the same time... I don't deserve to.


Many times you will hear "it isn't your fault", and the person is just seeing things from a negative perspective. But what happens when it IS that persons fault? I don't know... which is puzzling to me honestly because I know many things. But... I don't even have a clue where to start... but my heart says "penance".


My first girlfriend killed herself due to my inability to protect her. I prevented my second girlfriend from killing herself, and with a new outlook on her life I let her use me as a stepping stone to reach better things (and better boyfriends...)

Currently; I just underwent a breakup with my third girlfriend. We dated for 4-5 years. I neglected her, ignored her, hurt her, and pushed her away. In my eyes I did the some of the worst things a boyfriend could do. I put her through hell and she kept going forward for our relationship because she loved me. By the time I noticed, I was a new man. I realized that I loved her more than anything. She was the love of my life. During our entire relationship I felt like I was digging a circle around myself looking for gold, but the whole time there was a diamond at my feet.

I don't know why I did what I did.... Worst part is I can hardly remember anything... my entire life is a blurr except for a few moments. More than half of the bad stuff I don't remember doing, but I feel it there. Looking back... it feels like another man. I know what I did, but I can't follow my reasoning or feelings. It's like it was someone else- and I have no insight into their diluted mind.

I finally opened myself up to her, and exposed myself fully... this is where the previously mentioned psyche break happened. When you ask an important question, do you ever have the worst possible answer floating around in your mind? well she hit it word for word... and every word was true.

I'm letting her live here and have food since she can't move to her boyfriend's until September- which I know every therapist in the world would slap me for and yell "GET HER OUT!", but it's my creed, Noblesse Oblige, and it's truly the very least I can do...

Also; she will be my last true 'love'. Even if I do ever date someone again, I won't ever open up or have a meaningful love with him/her.

As I said before... I think of suicide -LITERATELY- every minute, and maybe every 10-15 minutes when I'm busy distracting myself.



Reasons to:
-end the pain
-prevent myself from hurting more people
-penance, no chance of escaping through "void" state of emotions

Reasons to not:
-penance, live through the pain as penalty for my actions
-only family heir, Noblesse Oblige and all that...
-some more interesting (and unfortunately painful) experiences lay ahead (where this internal debate will happen over again)



Just not sure what to do anymore.