Absolutely stuck.

    • Absolutely stuck.

      Six months ago, I came here and posted [/general-teen-advice/148389-im-lost.html] hoping to be pulled from an awful depression. Although there was some support, I got nowhere. I have gotten increasingly worse since then, and I constantly consider running away or even suicide.

      The problem is, I don't understand what I want to run away from, and I just can't find the power or the will to kill myself. It just won't happen (even though I've devised a foolproof way to make it look like a murder for the sake of not revealing how I actually feel.)

      Right now, in a shoebox in my closet, there is a single sharpener blade. I haven't used one in approximately 4 months, even though night after night I have the urge to. My father found my first two, and this current one I stole from one of my little brothers' sharpeners in their school supply box (how sick is that?) I wish I could get rid of it, but I feel safer having it there just in case I need it again. Tonight I'm having the worst urge to use it.

      Over the last three months I have begun to feel more and more distant from everything around me. I don't have any strong connections to the people around me, I have lost any sense of support from my one confidant, my once-best friend hasn't talked to me in 9 months, and I am gradually losing my mind.

      Since that thread, my anxiety issues have become more and more apparent. Over the summer, I was supposed to go to 2 camps. The first I went to, but broke down on the second night because of the claustrophobia and social anxiety of the situation (even though I had done that camp two years before.) The second camp, however, was a disaster. After driving nearly 4 hours to it, I had an absolute meltdown resulting in my father being absolutely pissed and grounding me, a camp counselor trying to convince me to stay, and embarrassing myself in front of other campers. I avoided my parents for the entire week after returning home. I just felt so anxious about being there for some reason. I couldn't stand to meet anybody. I couldn't face anybody or interact with anybody or get along with anybody for that week, so I finally gave in. It was horrible, and my father later came to me and suggested again that I go to a psychologist (which, yet again, I doubt he even has a list of available psyches, nor would push me to go; and also, yet again, I highly doubt it would work for me.)

      Besides that incident, this school year so far has been a nightmare. Besides the people I know from my hometown (I am now attending a special collegiate school) I know next to nobody. I am constantly worrying about my appearance, especially my weight, my clothes, and my face. I rarely make eye contact without being embarrassed and I avoid being around people I don't know at all costs. On Wednesday I even stayed home because I didn't want to face people that day.

      It's hard for me to sleep. I try, and some nights lay there for hours before being successful at falling asleep. When I do, it's either dreamless or unfulfilling. I can't sit still, experience heavy withdrawal without caffeine, and generally wake up feeling like crap. Most days, it is just awful to get out of bed. I no longer have a reason to, and wish I could run away from my life. I don't want to go to school but I also don't want to let my parents down (so far, all of my older siblings have gone sour. They are depending on me, and have said it many times.) I don't have any feeling at all in my body; not a tingling numbness, but just a lifelessness. I don't have anybody to go to and a professional would only be, in my eyes, a fake friend.

      Even more so than six months ago, I am completely lost. I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here or who to go to. I'm afraid I have SAD and GAD, and as of late I have gotten increasingly paranoid. I need help but I don't want to get it.

      I cannot express my feelings. Please, I am begging for suggestions...
    • Re: Absolutely stuck.

      Why the hell do you think seeking professional help would not work?

      They're professionals that are dedicated to helping people with issues exactly like yours. From what you describe, it sounds to me like you are suffering from clinical depression. I suggest you schedule a meeting with a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist as soon as possible.
      Hello JC - Cade
    • Re: Absolutely stuck.

      The problem is that I already know how it's going to work; I know what they're going to say and when and why they're going to say it, mostly due to my interest in psychology but also because I'm usually the friend in the group that anybody can go and talk to for help. If anything, if I go to a psychologist I'll only have to relive all of the torment from before and end up worse than I started.

      My biggest fear is that I'll end up on some kind of medication, which I would hate for the fact that medicine, firstly, is tempting. I've already considered and tried a few over-the-counter medicine around the house for some relief, and researched which ones react with others in case I ever need a quick escape. Also, I don't think it should be the answer for every little thing; it isn't something I can count on to always be there for me, and it'll only continue to make me think I'm alone; I can't have a conversation with it, vent to it, or trust it. I know it sounds odd, but that's just how my mind works.

      A professional will only confirm what I have studied about being a psychologist; a psychologist/psychiatrist isn't meant to be your friend, they're meant to do their job, which is make you feel better. Knowing that and the many ways one can manipulate your mind will only help to make me reject whatever they try and say.
    • Re: Absolutely stuck.

      I used to think something similar to what you did because I am also interested in psychology, but I found out that when I first tried therapy my perceptions of the profession changed a bit. I was not able to guess what they were going to say nor why they were going to say it. Why would I be able to? These people have a wealth of experience (unless they're bad at their job, of course.) and have seen much more issues than what I have.

      I suggest you go regardless of your expectations. After all, it's not a marriage. If you don't like it, you can stop going. Just give it a try.

      Regarding your comment on medicine, you shouldn't be taking things over the counter. An anti-depressant isn't a pill you take whenever you feel sad, nor something you take as an "escape". That's the path to drug addiction, my friend.

      You show symptoms of clinical depression, a -mental illness- that will not go away on its own and that if left untreated, is capable of making even the most worthwhile or entertaining life feel miserable and melancholic. Regarding your worry about pills, they usually aren't a permanent thing.

      A psychologist's job is to improve your mental well-being. They're a tool you can use to help overcoming your obstacles. They will not try to "manipulate" you into doing something that you don't want to do, and they genuinely become interested in your success and well-being.

      That's their job. They're there to help on their path to success and happiness.

      You have nothing to lose, and much to gain.

      If you want to speak more, shoot me a PM.
      Hello JC - Cade