Vent Time (Wee bit long)

    • Vent Time (Wee bit long)

      Lets say my name is Mr Robot, I'm 17, I'm depressed + male and I'm secretly gay.

      Since I started my secondary school (Or High school for you Muricans) I've been depressed from suffering a lot of bullying that I never said anything about. Now it wasn't like me getting pushed into doors, getting hit or anything that would leave evidence. Just a lot of psychological damage so it was my word against theirs. I'll not go into the specifics about what they called/said to me but it was pretty much your average 'insults' that come from a stupid teenagers. Fast forward 6 years later and I'm now completely numb to people bullying me in anyway, complimenting me, hurting me or feeling any kind of positive emotion towards mostly anything/anyone. Sadly, I'm a good liar when it comes to talking to people, such as when they'd ask "are you alright?" and all those typical questions. Nobody suspects that I want to pretty much die and nobody knows my suicidal thoughts and one attempt (I chickened out).

      Not only was I bullied at school, but pretty much heavily suppressed at home. See, as I was suffering in silence at school I also discovered I liked boys and not girls. Now my family is homophobic, yes its that typical story everybody has heard, and I haven't told anyone I like guys nor do I think i'll be alive long enough to it to really matter. My lovely father would excessively and loudly share his thoughts about gay people/marriage/actors/characters on a tv show/or anything that wasn't heterosexual. He's not a religious man at all, either am I, but he just sees everything not hetero as unnatural and where nature messed up. Hearing that while going through puberty while getting bullied while finding out I like boys while suffering in silence has left me a emotionless, empty person.

      I'm able to work hard in school, hell I've got 2 offers from two universities I want to go to. But I just can't see myself getting there. I've cried and cut and cared nothing for my life, I was just dealt bad cards and I'm suffering for it. Oh I also forgot to mention that I have dodgy body parts that don't work exactly how they should and it can make things a little difficult sometimes but that's something I don't want to talk about, I just hate that I'm not normal. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in the replies section, I just needed to type this out somewhere to vent a little.

      If you've any opinions/questions/thoughts you wanna share - go for it. Could really use a little chat with some lovely strangers on the internet.
      ThanksBye