I LOST MY GRANDDAD, Please I need some advice!

    • I LOST MY GRANDDAD, Please I need some advice!

      So my Granddad passed away,

      To some you reading this your probably thinking 'big deal', 'old people die' or 'death happens' but this has really affected who I am. I'll try not to ramble on but my granddad was my absolute everything, he was like another father to me and most importantly he was my bestfriend and the other half to my heart beat. He was the kindest most generous, funniest most forgiving man you'd ever meet. He has 4 other grandchildren but I was definitely the favourite. We would do everything together, he took me in when my mum would kick me out, I'd stay at his house and keep his company after my nan died and from when I was in nursery even before that he would look after me, pick me up and drop me to school every single day without fail, take me to every party, pick me and my friends up, buy me mcdonalds, give me anything I wanted... you get the idea

      Since 2014 he's was battling cancer just after the death of my nan who also died of cancer. He had prostate cancer which is quite an aggressive form but it can be controlled. Back then I didn't really understand too much about the affects of cancer or how it was affecting him because he was still his bright and bubbly self. Literally me and my mum have had his back the whole journey, my aunty and cousins were there towards the end but it was mainly me and my mum.

      It was until my granddad started to deteriorate that I realised I'm going to lose him. I prayed every single day for him to somehow recover but looking back seeing him not being able to walk and drive and do the little things for himself broke my heart and still to this day it hasn't healed. Last summer, summer 2016 he spent most his days in the hospital, he had a dangerous virus that attacked his immune system. Thats when I noticed he wasn't himself, he couldn't remember and he'd get confused a lot. I wish I spent more time with him I really do, but I honestly thought somehow he was going to come back home. The last day I saw my granddad was the first time I had seen him awake for a long long time. He was alert but again he wasn't himself. He could remember who I was though. I was literally chocking holding back the tears, you could see his bones on his chest, he was so skinny and his face looked so slim and drawn in. I hate to admit it but I was so glad when we leaving because I literally couldn't bare looking at him because he didn't look like himself and it was killing me. As we was leaving I was walking out with my cousin when he called me back and I remember word for word what was said. I said "yes granddad" and he squeezed my hand tight and said "granddad loves you" and it crushed me... I said "i love you too granddad" said bye and walked away but I didn't think that two days later he would've left me.

      I feel like he knew he was going to die and that he wasn't going to see me again. I just wish we had more time.

      Since the death of my granddad in October I haven't felt the same or been the same. I suffer from bipolar disorder already and recently I've been feeling suicidal but its complicated. I feel as if I dont want to live but I know I have so much to live for. I find myself reminiscing about my death and how I can kill myslef but I haven't actually carried it out and I don't think I will. I talk to my bestfriend about it but i dont think she really understands. She just tells me to try be positive but I dont know how. Ive also found myself being even more violent towards people than usual and I just feel demotivated at the moment. I just want to be me again, happy me. Im normally the one making people die of laughter making them smile and cheering them up and I still do that but it doesnt feel genuine :!: . Of course it's gotten easier but I still can't help but feel lost. I feel like I'm going insane its crazy. I just want to be genuinely happy again but I feel like my granddads death has ripped out a chunk of my heart.

      I just want to be able to cope and not feel on edge all the time. I want to be able to say Im happy and mean it. I know thats how he would've wanted me to be...

      So can anyone help me?
    • I am very sorry to know about your granddad's death. May he rest in peace. My uncle is suffering from prostate cancer from last year. When he was diagnosed with cancer, every family member have lost the hope, that he will be cured. But he is taking treatment from Cyberknife treatment New York to cure their prostate cancer. This is a robotic surgery, which is painless and incision less. It does not harm the other body parts. This treatment also has more accuracy to destruct the tumor than any other treatment.
    • Hello there. First off, I'd like to start by saying a few things which I hope bring you some comfort. To begin with, allow me to say that you are not crazy! Not at all! I admire you very greatly for the courage which it took for you to write this post. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling! Though I, too, lost my grandfather in 2014, I think everybody is effected differently when such tragic things like this occur. I want you to know that this is not yoru fault, what happened. As for you thinking about hurting yourself, please don't do that, I beg of you! I know that we do not not know each other, but I assure you that if no one else on this plannet cared, I, for one, do! Very much so! The feelings which you are experience are very normal, regardless what anyone may try telling you. And no one person ever should try telling you to just move on. That is absolutely despicable! You are just as much a human being as anyone else. You need your time, and your space to heal. And though I know it might not seem right now like that will happen, I assure you it will in time. Just remember this: you have a friend, not just me, but a true friend. One who is loving, all-knowing, merciful, tender, full of grace, and loves you even more than the little sparrows in the sky. This friend knew you even before you were born. His name if you haven't guessed? Jesus. Cry out to Him my friend! He knows your pain, and your hurt. He wants so badly to show you his love, not to replace your grandfather, let me make that totally clear! No one ever! will replace him. Not me, not anyone on this forum? NO one! Your grandfather will always be in your heart. It sounds to me like he was such a beautiful beautiful man, and I celebrate his memory with you. He sounds like the type of man I would have loved to have known! Words cannot express how sorry that I am for your loss! I pray that you will find strength, mercy, and healing through the one who can bring you the ultimate joy which passes all understanding. May you be blessed, and may you find comfort in these words which I have written, and again, do know. I care very deeply about you, and would be very very sad if you ever did anything to yourself. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to know more about this friend I mention. ;) Hugs to you, and your family. Please pass on my condolances to all of them.
    • I just lost my grandad in January to prostate cancer. He first had it 10 years ago and got it 2 times after. It fucks me up every time I think of him, which I do everyday. The last time I saw him he was so skinny and weak and I felt so helpless seeing him like that. I sometimes look at the messages we sent, our pictures together, replay memories in my head. Its the small things that get to me, like games that he taught me to play and small sayings we used to say to each other. I still cry. But I always remind myself that he is in a better place now. He isn't suffering anymore. I think out of his grandchildren, I was the closest and it really hurts to wake up everyday knowing he has truly gone, but I know his energy is still with me. Acceptance is key. I know its fucking hard to accept, I haven't accepted it yet. But once it is accepted you can start to celebrate your grandad's life and make him proud of you. He'd want to see you succeed in life. And always remember that he is still with you, his memory, his words, his energy. You will see him again one day, just make sure that you make him proud by living well until the day comes that you go to join him.