I might be losing my grip on reality.

    • I might be losing my grip on reality.

      I feel like I'm slowly but surely losing my grip on reality, and it doesn't scare me as much as it probably should.

      No, what scares me is how little the people around me seem to notice.

      My mom doesn't react when my temper goes haywire over the littlest things; after all, I'm a teenager, right? My brother has been sick since I was six, and to be honest I can recall only a few happy childhood memories before that period of my life began.

      He's always first priority, and I actually catch myself wondering why I feel it's unfair. After all, he is an adult, twenty seven to my sixteen, so why can't I feel angry over it? My family looks at me with that sort of deep-rooted, ghostly disapproval.

      Why can't this abnormal child realize that her poor brother is sick? Maybe that's what they think, and to be honest, it's becoming harder by the day to tell their words apart from my own thoughts.
      I wonder why I can't feel sad about things in my life, and not his? It makes me laugh sometimes, to be honest, that they all believe he's the sole reason for how much grief and desperation has become all I am and influences everything I can no longer do.

      And what can I say to that?

      No, mom. I'm not unable to get out of my bed because my brother has a chronic illness. No, mom! I'm not angry because he'll be undergoing surgery within a few weeks time!

      I am not you! I do not have your worries and my life is not centered around the well-being of somebody who's illness stole my childhood away from me!

      I'm depressed because I can never do anything right! I'm stressed because I can very rarely leave my house in the mornings to go to school, and feel a little more useless every time I give up and go back to bed!

      And I'm angry because when I feel cornered I lash out in blindly directed anger and blame myself for it!

      I keep crying, and I hate myself for still trying because I don't know how to control my own mind anymore.

      I need help.
      Thank you for reading.

      (edit: i'm now trying not to cry because i feel like a burden. i just needed to vent. i'm sorry)

      i'm so so sorry

      i've had it with this world. i'm done.
    • Thank you for writing. I did read it. Sorry I have no suggestions. I'm glad you are doing a lot of introspection.

      I don't know if your school might offer a decent counseling service. Or if there's someone you can talk to, maybe a church pastor. It can be hard to find someone who understands depression. There are a lot of us out there.