I don't think I'm wrong?

    • I don't think I'm wrong?

      New

      My mum and her partner have secretly been together since I was a toddler, when I was 11 he moved in much to my surprise. They bought a house together and we moved to it, my siblings and I having only known about him for a week at that point.

      For reference my mums partner earns more than she does so I think he should be paying more in to the joint account in accordance with his earnings but he doesn't, and he doesn't help to pay towards my siblings and I or my mum. On the very occasion (every few months) that he buys something for my mum it's less than a fiver and he acts like he is doing a grand gesture

      So her partner has a personal accounts for personal spends, as does my mum, and then there's a joint account and a savings account. They pay an equal amount in to the joint account and bills come out of it as well as groceries including alcohol, cigarettes, snacks and petrol, and any luxuries such as subscriptions. When that's all been payed for, my mum has a very tiny amount (a tenner a week) in her personal account thats meant to cover clothes, shoes, and healthcare for her and my siblings and I. Her partner always has hundreds in his personal account a week to spend on himself meanwhile my mum has a tenner a week and I don't think it's right but I don't get a say so there's not anything I can do about it? or is there? I just wanted to get this off my chest
    • New

      I have the same feeling as Alberta. Sounds like he doesn't really love her. Lets be real here: you are not secretly together with someone who has kids without telling the kids anything until one week before living together.
      I don't know where you live, i wouldn't know the law there anyway, but i guess if she doesn't say anything there is nothing you can do other then talk to her and show her that this is not fair. If he earns way more then her, he should provide more for the family. Otherwise he is just using her for his own advantage.
      Talk to your mom about all this. If she doesn't see it (because love can blind people) tell another adult, like your grandparents, aunt/uncle or ask a teacher you trust for advice.
      Another thing you could try: don't ask your mother for anything that costs money. From now on, ask him. He moved in with all you kids so he should also pay for things you need.
      curious open-minded short but not so short guy from Germany. open for conversations/PMs, all topics, all ages, all genders
    • New

      Benni90er wrote:

      I have the same feeling as Alberta. Sounds like he doesn't really love her. Lets be real here: you are not secretly together with someone who has kids without telling the kids anything until one week before living together.
      I don't know where you live, i wouldn't know the law there anyway, but i guess if she doesn't say anything there is nothing you can do other then talk to her and show her that this is not fair. If he earns way more then her, he should provide more for the family. Otherwise he is just using her for his own advantage.
      Talk to your mom about all this. If she doesn't see it (because love can blind people) tell another adult, like your grandparents, aunt/uncle or ask a teacher you trust for advice.
      Another thing you could try: don't ask your mother for anything that costs money. From now on, ask him. He moved in with all you kids so he should also pay for things you need.
      I think you've misunderstood some of what the OP wrote. It was the mum who hid the relationship from her kids for nearly a decade, not the man. That questions the mum's love for him; maybe she had manipulative intentions with him. It was her obligation to tell the kids. I have to wonder what kind of mother she is to have foisted this upon her children in such an unfeeling and almost cruel manner.

      The question is, does the mum love the kids?

      The op is a little ambiguous on this point, but at the most, he moved into her place for only one week, then they both bought a house together, so he is already paying more than his share for the house. You talk about the law and 'providing for the family.' Keep in mind, the two of them are not married and it's not really a family. The mother hid his existence from her kids for many years. He hasn't developed any connection with the kids, because of the mum's actions. We also don''t know what agreement the two of them had before buying the house together. But what we do know is the man is paying for some of the kids expenses by way of his contribution of half to the joint account.

      And how did the mum support the kids prior to them buying the house together?

      This was really bizarre behavior on the part of the mum.
    • New

      xols wrote:

      Benni90er wrote:

      I have the same feeling as Alberta. Sounds like he doesn't really love her. Lets be real here: you are not secretly together with someone who has kids without telling the kids anything until one week before living together.
      I don't know where you live, i wouldn't know the law there anyway, but i guess if she doesn't say anything there is nothing you can do other then talk to her and show her that this is not fair. If he earns way more then her, he should provide more for the family. Otherwise he is just using her for his own advantage.
      Talk to your mom about all this. If she doesn't see it (because love can blind people) tell another adult, like your grandparents, aunt/uncle or ask a teacher you trust for advice.
      Another thing you could try: don't ask your mother for anything that costs money. From now on, ask him. He moved in with all you kids so he should also pay for things you need.
      I think you've misunderstood some of what the OP wrote. It was the mum who hid the relationship from her kids for nearly a decade, not the man. That questions the mum's love for him; maybe she had manipulative intentions with him. It was her obligation to tell the kids. I have to wonder what kind of mother she is to have foisted this upon her children in such an unfeeling and almost cruel manner.
      The question is, does the mum love the kids?

      The op is a little ambiguous on this point, but at the most, he moved into her place for only one week, then they both bought a house together, so he is already paying more than his share for the house. You talk about the law and 'providing for the family.' Keep in mind, the two of them are not married and it's not really a family. The mother hid his existence from her kids for many years. He hasn't developed any connection with the kids, because of the mum's actions. We also don''t know what agreement the two of them had before buying the house together. But what we do know is the man is paying for some of the kids expenses by way of his contribution of half to the joint account.

      And how did the mum support the kids prior to them buying the house together?

      This was really bizarre behavior on the part of the mum.
      Not sure where you found all those details, but not in the first post of this thread. It's just stated that they kept their relationship a secret. Sure, the mum did something wrong here. But we also don't know how much money he spent on the house. No numbers are presented (i guess that's not possible because why should the parents tell their kids who pays how much for what). So i presented my point of view based on what OP stated, because i can't do more. And because OP's focus was on the the mother's new partner, i focused on him too.
      So yeah, huge mistake by the mum to bring this over her kids. But she seems to care for her kids, so i saw no big problem on her part other then bringing a new man into the kids' lives without planning it out with them.
      curious open-minded short but not so short guy from Germany. open for conversations/PMs, all topics, all ages, all genders
    • New

      Benni90er wrote:

      xols wrote:

      Benni90er wrote:

      I have the same feeling as Alberta. Sounds like he doesn't really love her. Lets be real here: you are not secretly together with someone who has kids without telling the kids anything until one week before living together.
      I don't know where you live, i wouldn't know the law there anyway, but i guess if she doesn't say anything there is nothing you can do other then talk to her and show her that this is not fair. If he earns way more then her, he should provide more for the family. Otherwise he is just using her for his own advantage.
      Talk to your mom about all this. If she doesn't see it (because love can blind people) tell another adult, like your grandparents, aunt/uncle or ask a teacher you trust for advice.
      Another thing you could try: don't ask your mother for anything that costs money. From now on, ask him. He moved in with all you kids so he should also pay for things you need.
      I think you've misunderstood some of what the OP wrote. It was the mum who hid the relationship from her kids for nearly a decade, not the man. That questions the mum's love for him; maybe she had manipulative intentions with him. It was her obligation to tell the kids. I have to wonder what kind of mother she is to have foisted this upon her children in such an unfeeling and almost cruel manner.The question is, does the mum love the kids?

      The op is a little ambiguous on this point, but at the most, he moved into her place for only one week, then they both bought a house together, so he is already paying more than his share for the house. You talk about the law and 'providing for the family.' Keep in mind, the two of them are not married and it's not really a family. The mother hid his existence from her kids for many years. He hasn't developed any connection with the kids, because of the mum's actions. We also don''t know what agreement the two of them had before buying the house together. But what we do know is the man is paying for some of the kids expenses by way of his contribution of half to the joint account.

      And how did the mum support the kids prior to them buying the house together?

      This was really bizarre behavior on the part of the mum.
      Not sure where you found all those details, but not in the first post of this thread. It's just stated that they kept their relationship a secret. Sure, the mum did something wrong here. But we also don't know how much money he spent on the house. No numbers are presented (i guess that's not possible because why should the parents tell their kids who pays how much for what). So i presented my point of view based on what OP stated, because i can't do more. And because OP's focus was on the the mother's new partner, i focused on him too.So yeah, huge mistake by the mum to bring this over her kids. But she seems to care for her kids, so i saw no big problem on her part other then bringing a new man into the kids' lives without planning it out with them.
      I'm not sure what details you're referring to. I believe all the details I referenced are in the OP.
      The mom has had been seeing the guy since the girl was a toddler (generally considered 2 years old). He was introduced to them when she was 11, that's nine years has hid the relationship from them. As I said, nearly a decade.

      He didn't live with the family (except perhaps for one week; that's unclear). They bought a house together. Maybe he paid more down than she did, maybe the other way around, but probably not. But they both contribute equally to the joint account and it covers " bills come out of it as well as groceries including alcohol, cigarettes, snacks and petrol, and any luxuries such as subscriptions. (perhaps that includes the mortgage was well, maybe not, but probably does, as she has it worded."
      To the extent that he contributes equally to the joint account, and that account covers most expenses for the kids, he most certainly is paying something to benefit the kids.

      I fail to see how he's using her for his advantage. She's the one with the kids, and he's paying partly for them.

      I've very curious what in the OP leads you to believe the mum seems to care for the kids. Quite the opposite. Hiding a relationship from them for nearly a decade and then saying "here's my bf, we're moving in together and you kids are coming too" doesn't seem like she cares about the kids at all. Quite the opposite, while you see it as no big problem, I see it as putting herself before her kids, having no concern what so ever for the well being or feelings of the kids. That's a horrible thing to do to them.

      It's not unheard of for single moms to marry, or live with guys who can improve their standard of living, without any concern for the kids. And in a case like this, that seems to be a likely factor.

      I'm just appalled at the mom's behavior and her lack of concern for her kids.

      As for the man, yes, it might be nice if he supported this woman and all her kids, whom he doesn't know, but he's already doing so to some extent, and the fact that he doesn't support them more doesn't question his love for the women. Love isn't shown by writing a blank check for people you don't even know. The situation questions the woman's concern and love for her kids. I don't agree the way she handled this was no big thing.