"Now if you're playing a movie on a telephone, you will never in a trillion years experience the film. You'll think you have experienced it, but you'll be cheated. It's such a sadness that you think you've seen a film on your fucking telephone. Get real."
"Visiting space aliens, upon seeing humans oppress — or kill — one another over who they worship, who they sleep with, what side of an arbitrary line they’re born on, or how absorptive their skin is to sunlight, would surely race home & report no sign of intelligent life on Earth."
"I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale; Handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; Only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I'm so mean I make medicine sick."
"You women think you always have the heavier burden. Headaches, giving birth, periods Pfff! YOU haven't tried the pain I have. I was once very thirsty and I just got a small coke. THAT HURT!"
- My boyfriend (to a hard tempered employee having a headache today)
"Comedy is like sex. If they haven't made a noise in a while, change what you're doing" - Sara Pascoe