hi guys! sooo i am involved with this older guy. i dont want to say how old cuz its defintiely not ok lol, but i hthink you will understand when i tell what happened. so his sister kate used to be my babysitter when i was younger. she was so awesome and i really really looked up to her.

like a year ago my parents started paying her brother to do stuff for us like yard work or whatever. well i got a crush on him. his name is david. he was always super nice to me and hes really hot so that was a powerful combination lol. nothing really happened until this spring, but then he started coming over more and flirting with me. i couldnt hide how much i wanted him and we ended up kissing! that was literally a dream come true for me. but um things kept going and everything got kindof crazy.

long story short i lost my virginity to him in the spring. it was sooner than i expected but it was a good experience and hoenstly i felt ready cuz i thought i was in love with him. like true love. then things started getting weird or kind of too much for me at the time. he gave me birth control pills an asked me to start ttaking them. i didnt even know how or where he got them lol. and then he wanted to have sex basically all the time, like as soon as i got from school or whne our schedules matched up. he goes to college but he lives at home which is literally less than 2 blocks away from my house. plus most of his classes were online in the spring cuz of covid. sometimes he would literally be waiting for me at my house when i got home lol. maybe that sounds creepy but i liked the attention from him. he was basically obsessed with me! im defanitely not a victim, i honestly loved every time that we hooked up even at the beginning. both the sexual and emotional parts of it.

kate goes to a college further away and she was only home on some weekends so i thought we were keeping the secret from her. but one day she made a joke about it so im like oh ok i guess she knows? anyways that was actually less stress on me cuz i was afraid she would think less of me.

when summer started david wanted to have sex even more, since we had more time. i was horny too but its like, wow is that really all you think about? i wished we had a real relationship and did couples things like go on dates. but since it has to be a secret it was just sex. at the same time i liked it, it made me feel special that he wanted to spend soooo much time with me. like… he has friends and stuff, but he would rather be with me in my bedroom all day. his phone would go off and he would ignore it and focus on me and that made me feel amazing honestly!

the intense days could be awesome but had downsides too, like my parents would get home and ask me how the day was, what i did etc. i had to make something up and felt guilty. then its like, yeah i also literally spent a whole day on this guy, and yeah hes amazing but i cant even tell anyone about him. its just so weird. also, this happened several times, i had to keep going to the bathroom or my bedroom cuz i literally had cum leaking out of me and it wouldnt stop. my mom asked me if i was okay and i had to lie about it. she also kinda got suspicious when i was doing laundry too much like washing my sheets multiple times a week. thankfully i never gotten caught but i was definitely being too risky for being that inexperienced lol.

also in the summer, kate started hanging out with me a lot and introduced me to weed. i was super reluctant to try it, but once i did i was like instantly in love with it. so then literally 3 days in a row i smoked with kate in her garage in the morning. she had multiple small bongs that were perfect for me lol, i tried smoking other ways but the ash or whatever hurt my throat too much. the problem was i could still smell it on my clothes even after many hours. so to get around that kate gave me a vape and edibles.

vaping was a lifechanger cuz i could do it in my room at night, i opened my window but probably didnt even need to. my parents basically never bother me after dinner, they just watch tv or movies and go to sleep early. so i can just go and get high. then a couple times i week i started taking edibles and staying up super late enjoying them. then kate was out of them for a long time, or maybe she hid them from me lol. david barely smoked, but once i started he wanted to do it much more. lots of times we got high in my room and then had sex which was kinda awesome. but honestly my favorite experiences were the 3 of us getting high together.

after the summer i feel super bonded to david and kate. like i basically grew up and im part of their club now. which is something ive always dreamed of in adition to being with david. but the thing is, im starting to realize maybe im not in love with him. like we are friends for sure but… maybe not more than that? i just started high school and i feel interested in a lot of the guys i see. like i think i already have several crushes lol. they are still older but way closer to my age. i want to have a bf i dont have to be secret about!

theres also the fact taht david has a girlfriend at college now. he told me its not serious but i can tell it is. he still wants sex from me all the time so maybe its not but…. i dunno i almost feel like i should let him go. i just have a feeling hes gonna have sex with her eventually. and we dont use protection sooo… then it seems less safe to do that.

im reluctant for a couple reasons. first of all im kinda scared of dating. ive never had a serious boyfriend before david. and even when i find a guy… not to be rude but how do i know he can please me like david does. i know thats shallow lol but still. also i think i want a bf who smokes weed, but most guys like that in this school seem like losers i think. maybe i have really high standards lol.

even if i break up with david i think hes still gona want to be friends with benefits. when i look back i think thats what its always been, i think he always just wanted me for my body. like hes a sweet guy, but i hink its just about sex for him. so really i would have to break up with him completely. but i still want to be his friend!

any advice on how to do this? also advice on how to find a good boyfriend? should i be friends with them first?