I am afraid that something is really wrong with me, don't know what to do. This happened like a month ago, we go to this sport class, and the coach sometimes spanks us if we are late, or not doing well in school. It is not anything super brutal, he'll just pull your shorts down and spank the buttoks a few times with his slipper. No big deal really. But this time there was this kid, he didn't take it too well, and started crying. The guys were all laughing at him, but I felt ... I dunno, sympathy I guess. I just thought how embarrassed he must be standing there naked and crying like a girl and everyone laughing. So I went to him and tried to comfort him. I hugged him, just so people don't look at him anymore, and he kinda leaned into me, and then I felt that I am getting a hard on! You may say, it is no big deal, happens, but it wasn't just that, I was all aroused and excited, like I never felt before. I think, he felt it too, because he stopped crying and got away from me quickly, like he was scared or something.
I am not gay, I only watch "normal" porn, as gay stuff does not turn me on. I have never felt any attraction to men, and still do not. This kid ... he is like ... you know, I would not call him "a man", he's just a kid. He is a few months older than me actually, but he is all ... I dunno ... small. Like skinny, and thin, and short. He looks more like a girl than a boy, he even talks like a girl. So, I dunno, maybe I got all excited because it felt like I was hugging a girl. But I don't think so, because him being a boy was definitely a part of it. Because of how embarrassed he was, crying and all. And I was LOOKING at his junk, how small and pathetic it was, and that was also turning me on A LOT.
Like I said, it was a month ago already, and I still cannot stop thinking about that. I masturbate a lot, but now this kid is the only thing that can get me going! Get this, i don't even watch porn any more, instead I just get out our school picture, and just look at this boy in it, and that is enough! I am completely obsessed with him, and what is EVEN WORSE, it's not like I love him and want to have a relationship or something, I can't stop thinking about THAT ONE DAY, watching him naked, embarrassed and crying, THAT IS the only thing about him that is getting me excited.
I don't know what to do about this. Don't say talk to a counsellor or something, that is completely out of the question, I will never tell anyone about this. My only hope is maybe I will cool down somehow over summer break, when I don't see him every day, and it'll all just pass. But WHAT IF IT DOESN'T? I DON'T WANT TO become some kind of pervert over this. I am really scared.