Cutting....Again (LONG, SORRY BUT NEED HELP!)

    • Cutting....Again (LONG, SORRY BUT NEED HELP!)

      So, this would be the third day in a row of my cutting streak
      Every time, I think he (my ex who i still talk to and still like) is going to stop talking to me because I've said something that made him upset. I get agitated and reach for the blade. Today I wrote on my legs, I love you, love me back.
      That should go away in a few days.. I cut my shoulder 4 times. I wrote I Love You on a piece of paper in my own blood. I stained my finger with my own blood, for him. This is ALL for HIM! If he could only see, what sacrifice I am making, for him. FOR HIM!!!! But, if I told him, he'd probably be freaked out and/ or not care at all. I don't want anyone else to know. A few of my friends know i have cut, but its not bad. I feel ashamed as soon as I finish. I seem to struggle between two emotions, happiness that I could release it (the pain) and a feeling of being ashamed. And I start choking back tears. I want so badly to cry it all out, but for me, i seem unable to. I'm pretty sure I need help but who can I tell? Who would CARE ENOUGH? I felt like dying right now... I still do. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide since my seventh grade year, I am in 10th grade now. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WOULD CARE ABOUT A TWISTED SOUL LIKE ME?? Who???!!! I mean, who the fuck writes in their own blood? My parents have NO clue about it. They don't notice much about me. I even wore a short sleeved shirt the other day when my cuts were pretty fresh, and they DIDN'T NOTICE! One part of me wants them to know, wants them ALL to know what kind of PAIN I'm feeling. and the other part of me wants to hide it all..
      WHAT CAN I DO??

    • Re: Cutting....Again (LONG, SORRY BUT NEED HELP!)

      First off, we care about you. Don't think nobody cares about you; even if people in real life don't, we care about you as if you are a friend.

      Another thing you need to stop is hating yourself, and thinking you are a freak and a twisted soul. You are not twisted, you are not a freak, you are not any of that stuff. You are just a soul that has lost its path, a soul that took a wrong turn and ended up lost in life. Don't call yourself a freak, or think you're so horrible. You need to accept who you are, and what you do, even if it means going "Okay, I cut myself. So what? Lots of people cut themselves, I'm not the only one, and I'm not a freak."

      I think trying to figure out where all this is coming from will help a lot. From my point of view, it seems you just want a strong relationship with someone to be able to rely on them, talk to them, and just be with them and have someone love you and care for you. You get upset because you are worried about losing this guy, this guy you care so much about. Am I right about this?

      One thing I think you need to do is find something to do. What do you like to do? Do you like a sport, maybe some kind of music, taking walks, just try and find something you like to do. Something you can put yourself fully into, to just forget about everything and live in the now.
      I'm Proud to be an American.
      Pro-Choice Before Conception, Pro-Life After.
      A person cannot help what they Feel, only what they Do.
      You will never find proof of a god... because it's Faith

    • Re: Cutting....Again (LONG, SORRY BUT NEED HELP!)

      yeah, i am in the marching band but football season is over now...
      it is because of that guy.
      Thanks for your advice. It's nice to know at least SOMEONE cares enough to post a reply and sound so genuine about it.
      It's just that I'm tired of thinking so much, and when i cut, is when ALL the thoughts go away. It's amazing
      I'm always thinking so I love not thinking and not having endless questions and thoughts circling around in my head.

    • Re: Cutting....Again (LONG, SORRY BUT NEED HELP!)

      Well then, you need to find another hobby to do in the off season. Do you like to jog? Or to exercise? That can be a great way to focus on only the now and nothing else.

      I can't really think of any other things to do lol...

      Just getting your mind off things seems to help you best, but you need another way then cutting yourself to do it.
      I'm Proud to be an American.
      Pro-Choice Before Conception, Pro-Life After.
      A person cannot help what they Feel, only what they Do.
      You will never find proof of a god... because it's Faith

    • Re: Cutting....Again (LONG, SORRY BUT NEED HELP!)

      I think that'd be a great thing to do. It's all just a matter of deciding you don't want to be depressed, and you're going to do something. You just have to be willful about it.
      I'm Proud to be an American.
      Pro-Choice Before Conception, Pro-Life After.
      A person cannot help what they Feel, only what they Do.
      You will never find proof of a god... because it's Faith

    • Re: Cutting....Again (LONG, SORRY BUT NEED HELP!)

      Maybe just maybe you should tell your family. Somebody who you like the most. Your role model in your family. My brother did, it took a long time to help him, but now he loves his life. You just need to reach out to help.

      You cant blame yourself for if he gets upset. It's no way your fault, you can help him, leave him help you. Work together, it will bring you closer.

      Plus ignore sam. Both of us want to help you, you are worth more than this. Honestly.

      Pm me whenever you need to speak.