I have been throughout this sub-forum of depression and suicide and I have helped people. Honestly. I have and I have been thanked for giving good advice and all of that and I am very happy that I was able to help them in their time of need.
Now I have also been around and seen some major losers complaining about their life and how aparantly bad it is. So I decided to tell you a story. the story of my life.
I will not lie to you and say it is the worst in the world. its not. no where near. But it is far worse than the majority of peoples that have posted threads so eagerly awaiting advice of this forums abundant members.
so here is my life. read, if you will. if you dont want to read. then simply leave.
I was bornj in 1990. I am 18 years old. My name is Craig Anthony Davies-Tomkinson.
My birth father, Christopher Tomkinson. Genius of a man. invented a machine the government still use today. cant remember the machine, my mother does. I should ask her some time. but yes. genius. but not a good husband. He would spend all the money on mum trying to be the gresatest romantic the world had ever seen. he incisted on dining out expencivly almost every night. going out for bears on others. and despite mother protests of a tight budget bought himself a sports car.
Suffice to say they got into debt.
Then came the first child. My older brother Karl. Fat child, thankfully that changed. in fact he's very skinny now. lol.
Well, my father couldn't really handle a child well. tried to leave at first. but came back when karl was a little older and more fun. Then came along child number 2. My older brother Aydon.
Mother and father decided, NO MORE CHILDREN! she went on the pill, and he got a visectimy.
In a stroke of fate and unluckiness, the visectimy reversed (as they sometimes do) and dispite being on the pill, mother still got prognant. with me.
I was an unlucky accident. unplanned. unwanted.
there was a 1-30,000,000,000 chance of mother getting pregnant again. yikes...the one won out.
I really am lucky to be alive. XD
well, Karl was hard on my father.
Aydon was harder still and he was slowly cracking.
Me....I broke the Ice.
It was too much.
My mother is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and my father was ADHD (attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). chances are one of her chikldren would be ADHD. it was highly unlikly that 2 of them would be.
Mother was unlucky again.
She had 3 chronic ADHD children that were hyperactive, clingy and one was a pyromaniac. (my brother karl. he liked setting fire to the curtains. XD)
well. suffice to say 2 was hard. 3 was a nightmare. I was the last straw.
He tried for 2 years. and then killed himself.
My father killed himself because I had been born. I am responsible for my fathers death.
Now lets jump ahead a few years.
I've been bullied all my life.
In nursery I was beaten over the head with plastic toys by the other kids because they thought it was fun. My mother married an ellaborate array of men that turned out to be abusive in several ways.
I have been beaten to am pulp by several fathers. locked in small spaces dispite my claustraphobia.
My mother has had a knife to her throat, she has almost be suffocated by a pillow.
In the end we left mansfield and came to this small town of swaffham. barly any money and barly any stuff. simply because we left it behind.l ran away from the worst father of all. Mark.
then in swaffham she married again to steve. he turned out to be achild molester.
can you guess what happened to me there? I bet you can.
Lets move on. he ended up backhanding me round the face and fracturing my nose. he was kicked out the house and arrested.
I was still getting bullied.
Beaten the shit out of almost every day simply for having ginger hair. Because of my tornent, of being whipped over the back with straws with nails in them and crap like that. even stabbed once. In believed I had the right not to do work and actually do something fun. so I ended up with crap grades and getting no where.
My mother has now remarried and finally to a decent guy. though he spends more time cleaning that he does spending time with his family.
I was with a girl once.
Sarah.
Gave her everything.
I'm gay, yet I threw away my sexuality because I loved her. threw away who I was, everything that made me me and gave her my whole heart.
she left me once. we got back together. I left her after that becasuee I wanted her to be happy and she didnt seem happy with me. I tore my own heart out for her. we got back together. she left me again. I felt almost nothing but pain because of her and I still loved her.
she went out with a friend of mine. I was happy. because I would rather her be out with one of my friends, someone I knew I could trust niot to hurt her. than some guy I had no idea about.
then I told her I wasn in an online relationshipo with a boy named liam (she knew I was gay btw. told her at the beginning of the relationship.) she said that because I could fall in love with s9omeone I had never met, it meant that I had never truly loved her.
Those words cut so deep into me. deeper than anything ever could.
I gave her everything and she dared to say thyat to me.
I ended up cutting her off. and have been happier ever since.
Me and liam were meant to meet up...till I realised he didnt understand loyalty and despite being with me and planning to meet up in barely a few months, he had been fucking an array of people behind my back whilst I had stayed loyal. he cheated on me basically.
I left him.
I have a new boyfriend Kyle and am happily engaged.
But heres my home life.
I have to spend every single day cleaning my house of ALL dust because if I dont...my mother dies.
she is greatly ill and has a thiroid problem. no immune system and her lungs are weak. to others she seems strong. walking around. driving and laughing...but too much dust and it will kill her. I worry all the timre about her.
My step-father cares more on the shape of the house than spending time with his step children. My boyfriend that I love and adore and want to spend every waking minute with lives in california and I've never even heard his voice.
And throughout it all, the pain of sarah, my fathers death, my friends suicide. forgot to tell you about that. 6 years ago a very close friend of mione committed suicide. whats worse...is I was the one that found his body.
imagine it.. walking along at night in the park, you turn a corner and theres your friend hanging by his neck from a rope. not a pretty sight I assure you.
I have to put up with all of this. and to top it all off, I play counciller for all of my friends. I take on their pain because I cant help but help people.
I council and council but I do it different to proffessionals. and it is the very reason I cant do it proffessionally like I would like to. I have saved countless lives through my councilling. why? because I get attatched. I commune with those in pain and I feel their pain.
a proffessional needs to be detatched. hence why I cant be one. the very thing that makes me so good is the one thing holding me back.
So I spend every single day in a great deal of emotional pain. huge emotional pain and wanting to die.
But I'm smiling and helping people.
And I wont kill myself. I wont be my father.
In hope you all have enjoyed my story and have gained some insight into it. thank you for reading. reply or dont, I dont really care. I just wanted to put my story hear. and see if I could spark some revelation in your minds that life isn't all dark.
I smile...because I am glad to be alive. pain is but a part of life. and I will make itnthrough this pain with a smile. and become a better person in doing so.
thank you for reading.
Now I have also been around and seen some major losers complaining about their life and how aparantly bad it is. So I decided to tell you a story. the story of my life.
I will not lie to you and say it is the worst in the world. its not. no where near. But it is far worse than the majority of peoples that have posted threads so eagerly awaiting advice of this forums abundant members.
so here is my life. read, if you will. if you dont want to read. then simply leave.
I was bornj in 1990. I am 18 years old. My name is Craig Anthony Davies-Tomkinson.
My birth father, Christopher Tomkinson. Genius of a man. invented a machine the government still use today. cant remember the machine, my mother does. I should ask her some time. but yes. genius. but not a good husband. He would spend all the money on mum trying to be the gresatest romantic the world had ever seen. he incisted on dining out expencivly almost every night. going out for bears on others. and despite mother protests of a tight budget bought himself a sports car.
Suffice to say they got into debt.
Then came the first child. My older brother Karl. Fat child, thankfully that changed. in fact he's very skinny now. lol.
Well, my father couldn't really handle a child well. tried to leave at first. but came back when karl was a little older and more fun. Then came along child number 2. My older brother Aydon.
Mother and father decided, NO MORE CHILDREN! she went on the pill, and he got a visectimy.
In a stroke of fate and unluckiness, the visectimy reversed (as they sometimes do) and dispite being on the pill, mother still got prognant. with me.
I was an unlucky accident. unplanned. unwanted.
there was a 1-30,000,000,000 chance of mother getting pregnant again. yikes...the one won out.
I really am lucky to be alive. XD
well, Karl was hard on my father.
Aydon was harder still and he was slowly cracking.
Me....I broke the Ice.
It was too much.
My mother is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and my father was ADHD (attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). chances are one of her chikldren would be ADHD. it was highly unlikly that 2 of them would be.
Mother was unlucky again.
She had 3 chronic ADHD children that were hyperactive, clingy and one was a pyromaniac. (my brother karl. he liked setting fire to the curtains. XD)
well. suffice to say 2 was hard. 3 was a nightmare. I was the last straw.
He tried for 2 years. and then killed himself.
My father killed himself because I had been born. I am responsible for my fathers death.
Now lets jump ahead a few years.
I've been bullied all my life.
In nursery I was beaten over the head with plastic toys by the other kids because they thought it was fun. My mother married an ellaborate array of men that turned out to be abusive in several ways.
I have been beaten to am pulp by several fathers. locked in small spaces dispite my claustraphobia.
My mother has had a knife to her throat, she has almost be suffocated by a pillow.
In the end we left mansfield and came to this small town of swaffham. barly any money and barly any stuff. simply because we left it behind.l ran away from the worst father of all. Mark.
then in swaffham she married again to steve. he turned out to be achild molester.
can you guess what happened to me there? I bet you can.
Lets move on. he ended up backhanding me round the face and fracturing my nose. he was kicked out the house and arrested.
I was still getting bullied.
Beaten the shit out of almost every day simply for having ginger hair. Because of my tornent, of being whipped over the back with straws with nails in them and crap like that. even stabbed once. In believed I had the right not to do work and actually do something fun. so I ended up with crap grades and getting no where.
My mother has now remarried and finally to a decent guy. though he spends more time cleaning that he does spending time with his family.
I was with a girl once.
Sarah.
Gave her everything.
I'm gay, yet I threw away my sexuality because I loved her. threw away who I was, everything that made me me and gave her my whole heart.
she left me once. we got back together. I left her after that becasuee I wanted her to be happy and she didnt seem happy with me. I tore my own heart out for her. we got back together. she left me again. I felt almost nothing but pain because of her and I still loved her.
she went out with a friend of mine. I was happy. because I would rather her be out with one of my friends, someone I knew I could trust niot to hurt her. than some guy I had no idea about.
then I told her I wasn in an online relationshipo with a boy named liam (she knew I was gay btw. told her at the beginning of the relationship.) she said that because I could fall in love with s9omeone I had never met, it meant that I had never truly loved her.
Those words cut so deep into me. deeper than anything ever could.
I gave her everything and she dared to say thyat to me.
I ended up cutting her off. and have been happier ever since.
Me and liam were meant to meet up...till I realised he didnt understand loyalty and despite being with me and planning to meet up in barely a few months, he had been fucking an array of people behind my back whilst I had stayed loyal. he cheated on me basically.
I left him.
I have a new boyfriend Kyle and am happily engaged.
But heres my home life.
I have to spend every single day cleaning my house of ALL dust because if I dont...my mother dies.
she is greatly ill and has a thiroid problem. no immune system and her lungs are weak. to others she seems strong. walking around. driving and laughing...but too much dust and it will kill her. I worry all the timre about her.
My step-father cares more on the shape of the house than spending time with his step children. My boyfriend that I love and adore and want to spend every waking minute with lives in california and I've never even heard his voice.
And throughout it all, the pain of sarah, my fathers death, my friends suicide. forgot to tell you about that. 6 years ago a very close friend of mione committed suicide. whats worse...is I was the one that found his body.
imagine it.. walking along at night in the park, you turn a corner and theres your friend hanging by his neck from a rope. not a pretty sight I assure you.
I have to put up with all of this. and to top it all off, I play counciller for all of my friends. I take on their pain because I cant help but help people.
I council and council but I do it different to proffessionals. and it is the very reason I cant do it proffessionally like I would like to. I have saved countless lives through my councilling. why? because I get attatched. I commune with those in pain and I feel their pain.
a proffessional needs to be detatched. hence why I cant be one. the very thing that makes me so good is the one thing holding me back.
So I spend every single day in a great deal of emotional pain. huge emotional pain and wanting to die.
But I'm smiling and helping people.
And I wont kill myself. I wont be my father.
In hope you all have enjoyed my story and have gained some insight into it.
thank you for reading. reply or dont, I dont really care. I just wanted to put my story hear. and see if I could spark some revelation in your minds that life isn't all dark.I smile...because I am glad to be alive. pain is but a part of life. and I will make itnthrough this pain with a smile. and become a better person in doing so.
thank you for reading.
