A Story

Cirrax Lankart · Aug 12th 2008, 5:30am

I informed before that I expect bad things to continue to happen to me. I was right.

Me and Kyle broke up again afterwards. And I have cried almost non stop since.

I tried dating, but I drove the other guy away because I was too desperate for love. I've felt so alone.

But lately one guy has come through, a boy I am meeting in 2-3 days. benjamin. He seems genuinly to like me and I am managing to force myself to slow down. He doesnt know my past, and to be honest...I'm afraid to tell him what I've been through. v.v

The beatings, the dark tight spaces....the rape. v.v

I'm afraid it will scare him off.

should I tell him?

XnobodyX · Aug 12th 2008, 9:55am

me too also have red/orange w/e hair

i actually read the whole thing
dude you are awesome
not kidding at all

Cirrax Lankart · Aug 12th 2008, 4:31pm

so many have said,. but without my friends and family and the people of this forum I would never have survived this long. and about my question, should I tell him...I'm scared he wont want to be with me if I do. v.v

XnobodyX · Aug 12th 2008, 9:36pm

oooh
he would be lucky to be w/ you

Cirrax Lankart · Aug 13th 2008, 4:16pm

*blushes* are you flirting with me? o.o

saguyako · Aug 14th 2008, 1:10am

I am speechless normally i have some cheery funny thing to say but dam.

For once Saguyako is speechless.;)

XnobodyX · Aug 15th 2008, 6:02am

Cirrax Lankart wrote:

*blushes* are you flirting with me? o.o

:p maybe
actually no, im not into boys
but if i was...
haha i wasnt flirting, just being nice :o:rofl:

NightAngel · Aug 15th 2008, 1:21pm

err im almost crying lol.
Your a really really brave person, probably the bravest ive ever heard of and its amazing how after all those experiences, you managed to pull through. I know people who's life im sure youd love to have, complain that it sucks. Your not a selfish person who only thinks about themselves and thats why your here. Imo you shouldnt change who you are, many people would take their own life if they were made to live your life. Tbh i dunno what to say =S Just keep holding on, your amazing<3

Cirrax Lankart · Aug 15th 2008, 4:03pm

XnobodyX wrote:

:p maybe
actually no, im not into boys
but if i was...
haha i wasnt flirting, just being nice :o:rofl:

lol, sorry. guess I can take things the wrong way some times.

thanks for your support.

NightAngel wrote:

err im almost crying lol.
Your a really really brave person, probably the bravest ive ever heard of and its amazing how after all those experiences, you managed to pull through. I know people who's life im sure youd love to have, complain that it sucks. Your not a selfish person who only thinks about themselves and thats why your here. Imo you shouldnt change who you are, many people would take their own life if they were made to live your life. Tbh i dunno what to say =S Just keep holding on, your amazing<3

Thank you, but to be honest, pain is a lot easier to handle than many people realise, and yes, there is always a silver lining, and its always the same one.

The pain wont last forever. and as long as you live through it, happiness will find you again. if only briefly, but then again, arnt we all in pain, arnt we all facing a hard life with happy sparks in between. its these happy moments, times of love, times of joy, times of friendship and laughter that humans strive for every day. so why give up? why give in when it gets too hard?

why not fight?

better yet, why not live?

My life has been so unbearably painful, but each time I have gotten something out of it, courage, strength, a sense of right and wrong, and happiness.

your wrong about me, I dont want other peoples lives, I dont want less pain. because somone has to have lived this life, someone has to have lived this pain. and I would rather it be me, than any soul I may or may not know.

I would rather hold the pain of everyone on my shoulders than leave you all as you are. even if it killed me.

its why I council. to take their pain. because it wont kill me. no matter how much it hurts, it will never kill me.

NightAngel · Aug 15th 2008, 6:45pm

Cirrax Lankart wrote:

lol, sorry. guess I can take things the wrong way some times. thanks for your support.

Thank you, but to be honest, pain is a lot easier to handle than many people realise, and yes, there is always a silver lining, and its always the same one.

The pain wont last forever. and as long as you live through it, happiness will find you again. if only briefly, but then again, arnt we all in pain, arnt we all facing a hard life with happy sparks in between. its these happy moments, times of love, times of joy, times of friendship and laughter that humans strive for every day. so why give up? why give in when it gets too hard?

why not fight?

better yet, why not live?

My life has been so unbearably painful, but each time I have gotten something out of it, courage, strength, a sense of right and wrong, and happiness.

your wrong about me, I dont want other peoples lives, I dont want less pain. because somone has to have lived this life, someone has to have lived this pain. and I would rather it be me, than any soul I may or may not know.

I would rather hold the pain of everyone on my shoulders than leave you all as you are. even if it killed me.

its why I council. to take their pain. because it wont kill me. no matter how much it hurts, it will never kill me.

wow, touching o;
im not sure what to say but yeah, your an extremely brave person and every and any good thing that will ever happen to you, is because you keep on going and never give up x

Sholto · Aug 18th 2008, 7:43pm

You're story is really inspiring

I probably wouldn't be able to handle everything you've gone through.

After reading your story I'm afraid to write on here about why I'm depressed because it seems so insignificent compared to you.

Cirrax Lankart · Aug 18th 2008, 7:56pm

Sholto wrote:

You're story is really inspiring

I probably wouldn't be able to handle everything you've gone through.

After reading your story I'm afraid to write on here about why I'm depressed because it seems so insignificent compared to you.

nothing is insignificant, nothing is trivial. if you have a problem and would like help with it, then post on here and seek help. my story was never meant to degrade everyones problems and make them afraid to see help for looking weaker that they are, it was made to give everyone an epiphany.

a realization.

and that realization is to never throw your life away. one person on this forum, I do not remember their name, but they have on their sig a message that reads "suicide is a perminant solution, to a temporary problem"

and it's true. no pain lasts forever and there will always be times of happiness ahead. they may be far, and they may not last long, but happiness never does. and no matter how small, its that happiness that makes life worth living. so why not live FOR it.

dont kill yourself. because in the end, all it ever causes is more pain.

Sholto · Aug 18th 2008, 8:08pm

Thanks but i'm not going to kill myself... The thought has never crossed my mind. I'm depressed, but i'm actually doing pretty well. It's not so severe that i want to kill myself.
Thanks though i appreciate it.

asoiafdude · Aug 18th 2008, 10:09pm

I just want to say it inspires me, how much you strive to work against the pain and find the good in life. Your story helps ground me, it helps me realize what life is and what it takes to live it.

I believe in karma, at least partly, and I am sure that for all of these things you WILL find the man of your dreams that understands you and accepts you, and wants to be with you forever.

I find it ironically funny to say this since you're gay, but...

You're a great man than most.

MADVILLAIN · Aug 18th 2008, 10:17pm

I really think Cirrax should be mod, like he gives better advice than some of the mods now do.

saguyako · Aug 18th 2008, 10:22pm

Yea he's kickass.

Cirrax Lankart · Aug 19th 2008, 7:15pm

asoiafdude wrote:

I just want to say it inspires me, how much you strive to work against the pain and find the good in life. Your story helps ground me, it helps me realize what life is and what it takes to live it.

I believe in karma, at least partly, and I am sure that for all of these things you WILL find the man of your dreams that understands you and accepts you, and wants to be with you forever.

I find it ironically funny to say this since you're gay, but...

You're a great man than most.

just because I like other guys doesnt make me any less of a man. lol. I'm not effeminate, at least, not often. hehe. I'm a rocker, I love concerts, and going out with mates and doing everything other guys do. I just dont date girls.

and I'm glad I've helped you. its all I've ever wanted to do.

Elektrobank wrote:

I really think Cirrax should be mod, like he gives better advice than some of the mods now do.

saguyako wrote:

Yea he's kickass.

wow...erm...well...all I can say is, I would be honoured. O.O

but erm, its not really necissary or anything like that. I like just being here to help.

still, erm, thanks for the vote of confidence.

besides, I'm still a juniour member. I think I need to be here a little longer to gain modship.

Cowpiepk · Aug 20th 2008, 8:06am

Wow, you've been through a lot in your life.. this makes my life look like 'heaven' almost even though its far from. Keep your head up high you can get through anything.. and I will do the same :cool:. Thanks

asoiafdude · Aug 21st 2008, 3:59am

Cirrax Lankart wrote:

just because I like other guys doesnt make me any less of a man. lol. I'm not effeminate, at least, not often. hehe. I'm a rocker, I love concerts, and going out with mates and doing everything other guys do. I just dont date girls.

I was referring to the popular view of homosexuals, and how many men view them as girly and unmanly, I didn't actually mean to say you ARE effeminate. :p

Chris.14 · Aug 21st 2008, 10:02am

Wow, you really have had a hard life. It's almost unbelievable that you could go through all of that and still be able to think positively. Stay strong mate.

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