Since November 11th 2006 I dated a boy, named josh. He was my everything and nothing got in the way. We loved each other at the very beginning. Everyone called us perfect and it was MY dream come true. I loved him more than i ever thought i could love someone. And he was the same for me. It was something you would see in the movies.
A week before our 11 months i went out. I partied a little too hard and lost control of everything. There is no excuse for what i did, but i was very intoxicated to the point that i blacked out and got very sick. I didn't remember a thing that happened to me that night. It was horrible. I woke up knowing not where i am or who i was surrounded by. In a tent of someone i had no clue how i even met. It was disastrous.
I come to find out i had cheated on my boyfriend, with no more than 2 people that night. I felt horrible. I kicked myself over and over because i knew i had something that was the worst thing to even tell anyone. I hated myself from that moment i was awake. I had work in the morning and went but was still drunk while driving to work. I knew i couldn't handle it, so did they so they sent me home. I drove past joshes work, and had to stop by. It wasn't to tell him but to soften the blow possibly.
I walked in and he knew something was up. He read me like a book. Knew i had something to tell him. I used the excuse of being intoxicated. He knew better. Told me to go home and sleep. I did exactly that until he walked into my house wanting to talk. We talked, i took his keys so he wouldn't leave. I told him and it was a huge fight to say the least.
I never thought he would forgive me....but he did. He took me back and we fixed it all. We were stronger, more loving to another. Spent even more time and it was perfect up until February. I was losing intrest. I wasn't feeling the way he was. I loved him but not as much as he loved me. I really didn't want to give up so i said we would do a trial run. And see what it was like if we were broken up but still around each other.
I was a senior now, partying, being single was what everyone was. But not me. And i resented that, i hated being told what parties went on and that i wasn't there with my friends all the time. It hurt and i was willing to let go of someone i loved for that. I was stupid and a child looking to fit in with her high school "friends". I dragged that boy along until June. From Feb. to June i made him wait. I didn't want to let go, i wanted him around still, i loved him still; but i wanted the freedom, the parties, the single life. I was torn.
Senior week came. If anyone doesn't know what that is...its a week of being a drunk idiot, making mistakes and, ruining lives. I made an AWFUL mistake which i will not repeat because i dislike that i did it A LOT. I was drunk and stupid and my friends pushed me into doing it and lets just say. I don't like the idea of a one night stand. Clearly thats all those boys wanted down there.
I came back feeling dirty, and disgusting. Came back to my price charming waiting for me because he hadn't gone down there. And i always wished he would of but then my friends didn't want him too. It was so messy and i didn't want him to know. I didn't want to tell him. I thought maybe if he doesn't know he won't get as hurt. I wanted to fix things. I wanted to be back with him permanently. He was over joyed. But then it leaked. And someone told him personally.
He hated me, he was disgusted, he didn't want to see me, or speak to me, touch me, nothing. He ended it. It was over and those 2 years were nothing now because of my so called fun at senior week. Summer 2008 was the worst. I was depressed. I got new friends and just partied all the time. EVERY NIGHT for about 4 weeks. I got sick after awhile. So i stopped.
Anyway this isn't what i'm getting at. I love him, and he took me back around the end of august. I see him a lot but he is so different. I don't know what to say and i'm scared one little thing will set him off and make him hate me.
I want him to know that i love him still and actually want to make it work. I want to be with this person forever. And i dont know what to say or do to prove that to him. Someone help me please because i really want it to work this time around. I have seriously changed and i need to prove that to him.
&& If you want to call me the worst person in the world do so, i am a horrible shitty person. But i love josh. And i want to prove that he is the only person i love. Because he is and i need him to know that. I love him with all my heart.
A week before our 11 months i went out. I partied a little too hard and lost control of everything. There is no excuse for what i did, but i was very intoxicated to the point that i blacked out and got very sick. I didn't remember a thing that happened to me that night. It was horrible. I woke up knowing not where i am or who i was surrounded by. In a tent of someone i had no clue how i even met. It was disastrous.
I come to find out i had cheated on my boyfriend, with no more than 2 people that night. I felt horrible. I kicked myself over and over because i knew i had something that was the worst thing to even tell anyone. I hated myself from that moment i was awake. I had work in the morning and went but was still drunk while driving to work. I knew i couldn't handle it, so did they so they sent me home. I drove past joshes work, and had to stop by. It wasn't to tell him but to soften the blow possibly.
I walked in and he knew something was up. He read me like a book. Knew i had something to tell him. I used the excuse of being intoxicated. He knew better. Told me to go home and sleep. I did exactly that until he walked into my house wanting to talk. We talked, i took his keys so he wouldn't leave. I told him and it was a huge fight to say the least.
I never thought he would forgive me....but he did. He took me back and we fixed it all. We were stronger, more loving to another. Spent even more time and it was perfect up until February. I was losing intrest. I wasn't feeling the way he was. I loved him but not as much as he loved me. I really didn't want to give up so i said we would do a trial run. And see what it was like if we were broken up but still around each other.
I was a senior now, partying, being single was what everyone was. But not me. And i resented that, i hated being told what parties went on and that i wasn't there with my friends all the time. It hurt and i was willing to let go of someone i loved for that. I was stupid and a child looking to fit in with her high school "friends". I dragged that boy along until June. From Feb. to June i made him wait. I didn't want to let go, i wanted him around still, i loved him still; but i wanted the freedom, the parties, the single life. I was torn.
Senior week came. If anyone doesn't know what that is...its a week of being a drunk idiot, making mistakes and, ruining lives. I made an AWFUL mistake which i will not repeat because i dislike that i did it A LOT. I was drunk and stupid and my friends pushed me into doing it and lets just say. I don't like the idea of a one night stand. Clearly thats all those boys wanted down there.
I came back feeling dirty, and disgusting. Came back to my price charming waiting for me because he hadn't gone down there. And i always wished he would of but then my friends didn't want him too. It was so messy and i didn't want him to know. I didn't want to tell him. I thought maybe if he doesn't know he won't get as hurt. I wanted to fix things. I wanted to be back with him permanently. He was over joyed. But then it leaked. And someone told him personally.
He hated me, he was disgusted, he didn't want to see me, or speak to me, touch me, nothing. He ended it. It was over and those 2 years were nothing now because of my so called fun at senior week. Summer 2008 was the worst. I was depressed. I got new friends and just partied all the time. EVERY NIGHT for about 4 weeks. I got sick after awhile. So i stopped.
Anyway this isn't what i'm getting at. I love him, and he took me back around the end of august. I see him a lot but he is so different. I don't know what to say and i'm scared one little thing will set him off and make him hate me.
I want him to know that i love him still and actually want to make it work. I want to be with this person forever. And i dont know what to say or do to prove that to him. Someone help me please because i really want it to work this time around. I have seriously changed and i need to prove that to him.
&& If you want to call me the worst person in the world do so, i am a horrible shitty person. But i love josh. And i want to prove that he is the only person i love. Because he is and i need him to know that. I love him with all my heart.
