The Window

    • The Window

      Please Criticize and Post any comments. :]
      I know about the improper usage of commas. I was taught to use commas that way, and have yet to edit them in the story. ~Thanks :]

       What stands out most about the room is not the detailed artwork on the wall; in fact, it wasn't even the objects which were inside. What stood out was the window; not for its size or texture, but for what it was about. A window is a window, until you open it.

      The wind blowing over the nestled branches high above the ground. The noises afar emphasized as though they were so close. Birds awakening from their midnights slumber, attempting to feed their young. Earthworms squirming amongst the gardens soil. A swift take down and it was gone. In a matter of seconds, life turned to death. After that, the crunching of the rabbits feet going across the yard as if it was solely taking a stroll. Each and every noise could be heard in full detail.

      But what is a window? A link to the outside from the inside. A flow of air through your home. No, a window is much more. A reflection of imagination; of what could be there and could be heard.

      This window was like no other, for it did not exist. A dream; in fact, which contained the essence of possibility. The hope of sound. The boy who was dreaming, the imaginer, deaf and unheard for years. What he dreamed, was a wish. The window, was a dream. And what he heard, was once a reality.

    • Re: The Window

      woohxamazing wrote:

      What stands out most about the room is not the detailed artwork on the wall; in fact, it wasn't even the objects which were inside.

      using both past and present tenses at the same time

      should be: "What stands out most about the room is not the detailed artwork on the wall; in fact, it isn't even the objects which were inside."
      or
      "What stood out most about the room was not the detailed artwork on the wall; in fact, it wasn't even the objects which were inside."

      I'm not a fan of "afar" (2nd paragraph, 1st line) because it's so distracting and old fashioned. I don't think I've ever heard "afar" said aloud by someone that wasn't reading it. Also "The noises in the distance emphasized as though they were so close." sounds a lot better with that nice rhythm; in-the-distance, as-though-they-were. See what I mean?

    • Re: The Window

      panicmayarise wrote:

      Well you got the descriptive writing type thing going.

      You might want to use semicolons instead of periods on your little list of sounds on your second paragraph.

      Comma overuse bothers me a little though.


      :) Thank you, I think.

      And Yea, it's taken me ten years of education-system-going-through to finally learn how to (sort-of) use semi-colons. And commas, only to find that I was taught wrong :[

    • Re: The Window

      woohxamazing wrote:

      :) Thank you, I think.

      And Yea, it's taken me ten years of education-system-going-through to finally learn how to (sort-of) use semi-colons. And commas, only to find that I was taught wrong :[



      Indeed. Commas in the wrong places can break a sentence into illogical segments or confuse readers with unnecessary and unexpected pauses.

      If we deconstruct the second part of your reply, you will see how you used punctuation incorrectly.

      For example : And Yea,

      I don't think it's acceptable to use "And" or "But" after a period or semicolon. Coordinating conjunctions should follow a comma instead of a period. Starting a sentence with a coordinating conjunction is a bad idea, and I find it best to substitute "and" with "also", and "but" with "however". Yeah then a comma is okay though.

      Example : Yeah, it took me ten years of lalalala.

      The other problem is you used a period in place of a comma as seen in this part : use of semi-colons. And commas

      It should be "use of semi-colons, and commas; only to find that I was taught wrong.




      The biggest problem that most people seem to have, is writing in the same way that they talk. This is why we often use commas and periods in the wrong places.

      I don't fancy myself as a good writer, heck, not even a writer, but i'm just trying to help. Sorry for sounding so teacher-y.

      I find that this website is quite helpful for people who want to improve their writing : Welcome to the Purdue University Online Writing Lab (OWL)

      This is a page about comma use. Really good too.

      Using Commas

      The post was edited 1 time, last by gardenhead ().