(warning, long wall-o'-text ahead)
To start off with, I'm a 19 year-old female college freshman. I've led what most would consider a pretty average life, at least on the outside. I just have some problems that are combining to make me feel what I'm pretty sure is depression...or anxiety.
One thing that's been bringing me down for a few years now is that I've never been in a relationship. I've went on about 3 dates with a guy until I realized I was just using him because he was the only decent guy who'd ever asked me out. I quickly broke it off, as i didn't want to pull him in further. I can count on one hand the number of guys who have asked me out, including the dares and jokes. This is not including people on the internet. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind, if it was just that I wasn't attractive, or likeable, or something like that. But numerous friends, family, and random strangers have told me that I'm cute, sexy, funny, and very easy to get along with, if a little hyper/energetic. I'm also a hopeless romantic, which is just furthering my dilemma. I get depressed that I don't have anyone to be affectionate towards, and have been feeling increasingly lonely. Every time if find a guy/girl (i'm bi) that I like, they either don't like me for sure, are straight (in the girls' case), or are taken. I've tried flirting, I've tried being open, and I usually end up getting rejected, either subtly or flat out. I know I'm only 19, that I've got my whole life to find that special someone, but would it kill to be able to get a little practice in before then? I've still never even been kissed, for crying out loud...And lately I've been getting sexually frustrated, from (i'm assuming) being around a bunch of girls (my friends) who I like. The past week alone, I've had three wet dreams, each involving a different girl.
I also have to deal with the fact that I'm bisexual. I accepted the possibility about 3 years ago, and finally stopped denying it last year. I'm more attracted to girls than guys, which makes my situation that much worse. My parents don't know, but most of my friends at school do. My mom recently found out, when she found and read my old diary. She called me and told me she was more upset over the fact that I felt I couldn't come to her, than the fact that I was bi. We haven't really spoken about it since, although whenever something comes up about gays, she'll sometimes glance at me.
School has been driving me insane. Since the age of five, I've wanted to be an architect. I'm not a great artist, but give me something 3-D to work with, and I can go with the best. Unfortunately, that's not what our coursework includes right now. Plus, most of my life, I've been a horrible procrastinator, and it now seems to be ganging up on me worse than ever. I haven't been to my math class in two weeks, and I'm failing two of my other classes. I just feel like I'm not smart enough, and what's the point of doing work that's just going to get me bad grades anyway? I know it's not true, but I'm sure many of you understand that that doesn't really help me to get my work done. I'll psych myself up, get everything ready, and end up going, "well, I can leave it for a half-hour...or an hour...or tonight...or tomorrow...or next week" and it ends up not ever getting done. I don't want to mess up, but I just don't know what to do. Plus, I've had to lie to my parents about my grades, as my mom used to kill me in high school if any of my grades dropped below a "B", and still be majorly upset if they were not an "A". She's threatened to not let me come back to college if my gpa drops below a 2.0 (which it already has, hence, the lying). I feel like I reached my peak in 8th grade, and have been steadily dropping since. This causes so much anxiety that I'm constantly worried, my stomach is always tense, I don't get much sleep, (although that's more because I stay up late), and I generally get mad at myself, alternated with depression about what the heck I'm going to do.
For most of my life until high school, I've constantly had people making fun of me. I was the generic bookworm, the kid who'd rather stay inside and read than go out and play with friends. I was the teacher's pet, aside from the procrastinating, and up till about 8th grade, people would swear I was a genius. I had very few friends, and my dad being in the military, had to leave them behind sometimes. Luckily, I've only moved 3 times, with the last being to college with my dad's retirement. I got picked on a lot for aforementioned reasons, and even had some friends who I found out were just using me for attention. I've had a few really good friends, and as I got older (and kids grew less immature), it mostly stopped. I was still known as the bookworm, but you'd be hard pressed to find someone who didn't like me. But those past years of being picked on, beaten up, and being betrayed really messed up my self-esteem. I'm constantly afraid that people are just putting up with me, and are laughing at me behind my back. No matter how much evidence to the contrary, I still have that nagging fear, and I'm not sure I'll ever get rid of it. Which just adds to my anxiety.
I also have to deal with having my mom have really high expectations of me. My mom has worked hard all her life, and is very successful because of it. We're not rich, but we're not low class either. She's always pushing on me about how important education is, and how I'm so smart. I've tried to tell her I don't feel as smart as I used to be, but she just pushes it off as me being lazy. I hate disappointing her, but I can't do much else, as when I do try my best, I still fall short. She just claims I'm not trying my best. I'm also not as "type-A" as she is, and tend to be a bit of a slob sometimes. If it gets bad enough, I clean up, but I'm just generally kind of messy. This gets her mad a lot, as she prides cleanliness more than anything. She acts like it's going to ruin my life if I don't get into the habit of picking up my room, and vacuuming, and cleaning/dusting, and wiping things down, aaaand you get the idea. It's funny, because my room messy, is generally better than most of my old friends' clean. But I digress. This generally leads up to feeling like a disappointment, and lowering my self-esteem even more, as I even though I know she loves me just the way I am, she wants me to be better, which I just don't feel like I can do.
I've thought about suicide a few times, more imagining how I would do it and what would happen than actually sincerely doing it. I tried cutting, but it didn't make me feel any better. I get into these up and down moods, usually up, and very infrequently down, so I'm pretty sure I'm not bi-polar, but it still leaves me depressed. I'm in a bit of a low mood now, which is pretty much why I'm writing this. It feels good to get it all out, to know someone is listening, or in this case, reading. Thanks to all of those who actually read this giant wall of text lol.
To start off with, I'm a 19 year-old female college freshman. I've led what most would consider a pretty average life, at least on the outside. I just have some problems that are combining to make me feel what I'm pretty sure is depression...or anxiety.
One thing that's been bringing me down for a few years now is that I've never been in a relationship. I've went on about 3 dates with a guy until I realized I was just using him because he was the only decent guy who'd ever asked me out. I quickly broke it off, as i didn't want to pull him in further. I can count on one hand the number of guys who have asked me out, including the dares and jokes. This is not including people on the internet. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind, if it was just that I wasn't attractive, or likeable, or something like that. But numerous friends, family, and random strangers have told me that I'm cute, sexy, funny, and very easy to get along with, if a little hyper/energetic. I'm also a hopeless romantic, which is just furthering my dilemma. I get depressed that I don't have anyone to be affectionate towards, and have been feeling increasingly lonely. Every time if find a guy/girl (i'm bi) that I like, they either don't like me for sure, are straight (in the girls' case), or are taken. I've tried flirting, I've tried being open, and I usually end up getting rejected, either subtly or flat out. I know I'm only 19, that I've got my whole life to find that special someone, but would it kill to be able to get a little practice in before then? I've still never even been kissed, for crying out loud...And lately I've been getting sexually frustrated, from (i'm assuming) being around a bunch of girls (my friends) who I like. The past week alone, I've had three wet dreams, each involving a different girl.
I also have to deal with the fact that I'm bisexual. I accepted the possibility about 3 years ago, and finally stopped denying it last year. I'm more attracted to girls than guys, which makes my situation that much worse. My parents don't know, but most of my friends at school do. My mom recently found out, when she found and read my old diary. She called me and told me she was more upset over the fact that I felt I couldn't come to her, than the fact that I was bi. We haven't really spoken about it since, although whenever something comes up about gays, she'll sometimes glance at me.
School has been driving me insane. Since the age of five, I've wanted to be an architect. I'm not a great artist, but give me something 3-D to work with, and I can go with the best. Unfortunately, that's not what our coursework includes right now. Plus, most of my life, I've been a horrible procrastinator, and it now seems to be ganging up on me worse than ever. I haven't been to my math class in two weeks, and I'm failing two of my other classes. I just feel like I'm not smart enough, and what's the point of doing work that's just going to get me bad grades anyway? I know it's not true, but I'm sure many of you understand that that doesn't really help me to get my work done. I'll psych myself up, get everything ready, and end up going, "well, I can leave it for a half-hour...or an hour...or tonight...or tomorrow...or next week" and it ends up not ever getting done. I don't want to mess up, but I just don't know what to do. Plus, I've had to lie to my parents about my grades, as my mom used to kill me in high school if any of my grades dropped below a "B", and still be majorly upset if they were not an "A". She's threatened to not let me come back to college if my gpa drops below a 2.0 (which it already has, hence, the lying). I feel like I reached my peak in 8th grade, and have been steadily dropping since. This causes so much anxiety that I'm constantly worried, my stomach is always tense, I don't get much sleep, (although that's more because I stay up late), and I generally get mad at myself, alternated with depression about what the heck I'm going to do.
For most of my life until high school, I've constantly had people making fun of me. I was the generic bookworm, the kid who'd rather stay inside and read than go out and play with friends. I was the teacher's pet, aside from the procrastinating, and up till about 8th grade, people would swear I was a genius. I had very few friends, and my dad being in the military, had to leave them behind sometimes. Luckily, I've only moved 3 times, with the last being to college with my dad's retirement. I got picked on a lot for aforementioned reasons, and even had some friends who I found out were just using me for attention. I've had a few really good friends, and as I got older (and kids grew less immature), it mostly stopped. I was still known as the bookworm, but you'd be hard pressed to find someone who didn't like me. But those past years of being picked on, beaten up, and being betrayed really messed up my self-esteem. I'm constantly afraid that people are just putting up with me, and are laughing at me behind my back. No matter how much evidence to the contrary, I still have that nagging fear, and I'm not sure I'll ever get rid of it. Which just adds to my anxiety.
I also have to deal with having my mom have really high expectations of me. My mom has worked hard all her life, and is very successful because of it. We're not rich, but we're not low class either. She's always pushing on me about how important education is, and how I'm so smart. I've tried to tell her I don't feel as smart as I used to be, but she just pushes it off as me being lazy. I hate disappointing her, but I can't do much else, as when I do try my best, I still fall short. She just claims I'm not trying my best. I'm also not as "type-A" as she is, and tend to be a bit of a slob sometimes. If it gets bad enough, I clean up, but I'm just generally kind of messy. This gets her mad a lot, as she prides cleanliness more than anything. She acts like it's going to ruin my life if I don't get into the habit of picking up my room, and vacuuming, and cleaning/dusting, and wiping things down, aaaand you get the idea. It's funny, because my room messy, is generally better than most of my old friends' clean. But I digress. This generally leads up to feeling like a disappointment, and lowering my self-esteem even more, as I even though I know she loves me just the way I am, she wants me to be better, which I just don't feel like I can do.
I've thought about suicide a few times, more imagining how I would do it and what would happen than actually sincerely doing it. I tried cutting, but it didn't make me feel any better. I get into these up and down moods, usually up, and very infrequently down, so I'm pretty sure I'm not bi-polar, but it still leaves me depressed. I'm in a bit of a low mood now, which is pretty much why I'm writing this. It feels good to get it all out, to know someone is listening, or in this case, reading. Thanks to all of those who actually read this giant wall of text lol.
