He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

    • He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      OK, so here's a shocker

      My goal in life is to be a psychologist, adn at age 15, I'm already studying. One thing I wanted to study was the development of homosexuality within both genders, and while I was studying, I realized something, My best friend has all the characteristics of a gay person. I have no problems with gay people, but my best friend is kinda like a puppy dog, he follows me wherever I go, I can't even go to the bathroom without him checking up on me. If that doesn't scream obsessed, I don't know what. And the wierd thing is that he's still doing it, even though he has a girlfriend.

      I was kind of worried about that, so I asked him, straight out, "are you gay?" and he got defensive. Of course, he denied it, obviously showing signs that he wasn't comfortable with the conversation, or his sexuality. So I decided to revisit my memories, and learned a few things. There's a pretty short list but, it's still a list:
      1. He admitted on several occasions he thinks he's bi, without knowing the meaning of course.
      2. He said he has an incredibly close relationship with his mother
      3. whne I told him about my studies, he carefully watched what he was going to say next, apparently afraid that I would expose him.
      4. On a note I found, he wrote that he liked me more than as a friend.

      Now, God knows I wanna be his friend, but I don't wanna hang out with him somewhere, and worry that he'll put a couple of roofies in the bottle of Mountain Dew I always carry around.

      What should I do?

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      Thats a toughy. I think what you need to do is sit down with him, and say, you know, I've been watching you, and I've figured out these things (your list), and just say, "I don't want you to answer me right now, but I want you to know that if, BY CHANCE, you're gay, I support you 110%. I can't return any feelings, but I'll always be your friend, and I would never tell anyone about it." See what he does, and maybe he'll open up about it one time.
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    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      Do as Cassie said, talk to him about it without being confrontational. You can have a gay best friend. Just be nice about it cause it sounds like a sore subject. He will probably not want to come out of the closet so promise not to say anything.

      I feel like I am rewording Cassies post so I'll just shut up now.

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      lol that's okay Josh! The more people that can concur, the better for him, right? If he's being told 20 completely different things, 1 per person, then it'd be confusing!

      :love1: Josh!! haha
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    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      thanks alot, Cassie

      but the thing is that I've tried before, I've tried to sit him down, but he's fidgety and quickly changes the subject, so it gets hard. I'm completely comfortable with him being gay, but don't you think it would be kinda awkward if he did turn out to be gay,and like me. I don't know about you but I don't think I would enjoy making him suffer, wanting what he can't have, as most humans do.

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      Im going into the psychology field as well.

      Maybe he feels that he will be judged if he comes out. Just because he has a girlfriend doesnt mean he isnt gay. He wants to appear as "normal" so people wont think differently of him. And you asking if he is gay scared him, because the person that he has feelings for is for you. Hes scared to lose you. Maybe dont be so blunt about it next time you ask. Try saying because you are friends you deserve to know the truth.

      That is really tough though, because I was going to say make it clear to him that you dont see him that way. But that could discourage him even more to stay hidden.

      Has your friend ever given you even the slightest feeling that you should be uneasy around him? That you think he may try and make a move?

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      well, it's always interesting to hear from a fellow psychologist in training, and almost everything you've said was my initial thinking, I know he doesn't want to lose me, and to prove it I did a little experiment to show just how far he would go to stay as my friend. The results are in, it's very far.

      You're absolutely right, my uncle was married, and he came out last year.

      I've tried dancing around the subject, but the only time he's ever given me any sign that he was questioning his sexuality was when he thought I was listening to my Ipod at max volume, but it turned out to be the car next to us.

      that won't work on him, he's paranoid, and his paranoia makes him reclusive, so getting close is almost impossible, and besides, when the time comes, I think he'll be comforatable enough to tell me, and when it does, I'll be there, making sure there are no roofies in my mountain dew.

      well, there were the couple of times he grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me go. But then again I hadn't noticed for about 15 minutes, so he should've let go by then.

      and there was the time he played footsies with me under a desk,. and claimed to be going for a pen that wasn't even there
      I love you, now can we have sex?

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      Guess what everybody! I want to be a psychiatrist!
      That is why I came to this site.. to do some pre-training.
      =D

      Anyways, this guy is totally clinging to you. I hate to be the bearer of bad new, but maybe if it goes a little too far.. end the friendship.. You obviously aren't trusting him [especially if you think he is going to throw some 'roofies in your ''mountain dew'']

      =|

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      In my humble opinion, you shouldn't be wanting him to come out. Because if you were gay you would want to come out when you were good and ready. And you really wouldn't want someone breathing down your neck the whole process.

      There have been many cases where a gay guy will have a girlfriend. Ask me, I know. All of my gay friends either have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Do I call it bisexual, no. I think most people cover up their values as I like to call them, like people use make up. Peope don't want to be judged. This is a new world, where society judges people by what they bring to the table. And I can understand your friend.

      Maybe he does that with you because he feels comfortable. Maybe he knows you know but you haven't judged him yet. You shouldn't rush him to do anything yet. It's his choice and I know it's bothering you but you are his friend. Give him the cold shoulder. Tell him that if he is your friend he will listen to you. Being someone's friend doesn't mean you have to put up with their shit.

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      I noticed he was clinging to me by the fact that e followed me home everyday, and called me 15 times in ten minutes when I was in the bathroom and didn't answer my phone.

      That's something else that occured to me when I was going into my memory, and thinking of reasons why he doesn't come out: he's not sure

      I believe that his longing to have a girlfriend, as well as other details I'm not ocmfortable telling(the girl who's involved with them would read this and kill me) show that he's, in a way, testing his sexuality. KInda like he's trying to make him think he's straight by acting what he considers to be straight, and overdoing it(perversion). I probably should end it, but then who will I talk to about stuff that any friend I have who's a girl would kill me if I even dared to mutter about it.
      I love you, now can we have sex?

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      It is tough, and I agree with Fay when she says that you don't have to put up with anyone's shit. And I'm sure he will come out when he's ready. But as long as he knows that you're not going to judge him when that time comes.

      Do you have a gf? Is there any way that sub-conciously (sp?), you're sort of leading him on? Like with the hand thing.. you said it was 15 minutes before you noticed he was holding your hand.. What did you do when you realized? Did you pull your hand away and let him know you don't feel comfortable doing that? Or did you just take your hand away and say nothing? Because there may be the chance that, while you're looking at it as being indifferent about the situation, and supportive, and all that... Could he be looking at it as you're gay as well, but you are both hiding in the closet?

      I understand that you don't want to hurt him by dangling what he wants infront of his face, and he can never have it, but is that your fault? No. And personally, I would think that telling him he can't have it, so give it up, would be far better for him, because then at least he could move on, turn his attention elsewhere. Obviously, you wouldn't say it like that, but you're smart, you could put it into more comforting words.

      I think you should at least sit down with him and tell him that his actions are making you uncomfortable. Don't say, "You act gay towards me, and I don't like it." But just tell him that when he grabs your hand, and rubs your foot and stuff makes you uncomfortable, and if he seems like he needs more answers, just tell him that sometimes actions like that can end friendships, you've heard of it happening before with friends of yours, and you consider him one of your closest friends. I don't know, something like that. But if it's making you uncomfortable, it's your right to put an end to it. Unfortunately, it's this friend that's doing it, and as hard as it would be, and as afraid you are of hurting him and pushing him farther away, it's not proper to you. Everyone has their personal space bubbles, and if he's getting into yours, it's not fair.

      If you have a gay (and out) friend, or a bi friend, do you think you could set up an experiment that way? Get the gay friend to become close with your questioning friend, and see if he can get him to fool around, or to admit it? Because I'm sure if he was presented with the option, he would probably act upon it. Not only would you now know for sure that he's interested in men, but it would probably get the attention turned away from you.
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    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      well, the thing is that I live in a city where the only person who was open and bi hung himself shortly after he came out.

      with the hand thing, I pulled my hand away, and moved to a different seat. It's not that I mind him being gay, but I've told him countless times that I'm straight.

      and like, THe whole time he had my hand, I was asleep, and didn't notice. My friend on the other side of the room told me that he grabbed my hand for like fifteen minutes, I woke up to roughly half a second of it.
      I love you, now can we have sex?

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      Wow...if someone asked me if i was gay i would get pretty defensive also. And your friend likes you more then a friend? Then he thinks of you as his brother. Even if he is gay, he not comfortable with the conversation not many people would be comfortable with it. No point in chasing the guy and making him admit he is gay, he never will. If hese gay, he will admit it when he feels right.

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      Some gay people tend to fall back on straight people, so I have seen. Maybe you have been there for him and he feels extremely comfortable doing what he does. And you need to let him know that it bugs you. It bugs you when he grabs your hand and holds it minutes on in. You need to get the point across. If he doesn't listen and agree that it's hurting your feelings then he isn't a real friend. But you, you are wanting him to come out. Why is it such a big deal to you? It's like your craving for some comfort zone with him about his values. I'm sorry but if I were gay and my friend kept asking me questions then I would completely be upset.

      Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to come out and tell the world? I think he holds your hand and does things with you is because he knows that you won't judge him for doing so. You need to let him know that it's okay to be gay but you're not. There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to tell people. It's his choice and you have no control over that.

    • Re: He's gay and he doesn't want to admit it

      yet again good advice.

      It's odd, I've come to trust strangers over the internet than some of the people in my own life.

      well anyway, the problem is that, It's not just for him taht I want him to come out. It's for me

      Well, I'll put it like this, I want to be a psychologist, so as practice, I go back in my memory, adn evaluate people's actions and sayings.

      After today, I've realized that 19 out of 20 of my assumptions about people's mental status have been true, and he's the only "case"(as I like to call them) that I'm getting "wrong".

      Honestly, I would want to come out. I mean, I read that one post under teen sexuality, and saw how comfortable everybody was out, so I'd want to share that freedom.

      as for the chastity belt, I don't need it, no matter how drugged I am, I am still aggressive and murderous.

      but come to thinkl of it, you never know
      I love you, now can we have sex?