Lately so many things have been changing that I barely know who I am anymore. Ever since last christmas when my mother was in a coma through the holidays and nearly died I have been such a different person. Not only did I become more severely depressed but my entire outlook on life has changed. When I was feeling so low that I even tried to kill myself I became dependent on music to distract me from real life. Now, I am so in love with art and music (my venting outlets) that I really don't want to go into the medical field when I get older, but I want to be a musician or artist. The problem is that I'll make a much smaller amount of money and I just feel like it's a stupid choice to make. But anything else I think about or try just feels wrong to me.
I also feel like I'm becoming a different person. My style is changing, my goals are changing, and then the worst change has to do with my "best friend". She's been my best friend for six years and I feel like I'm losing her. Everytime I leave after hanging out with her I constantly worry that I'll never see her again. She is so suicidal that it's affecting me as well and it does nothing to help me overcome my own depression. There are two very large problems with her right now. For one I partially blame her for why I started cutting myself a couple of years ago. One day she just shows up to school and shows me these little cuts on her arm, like they're some sort of trophy to her. That's what put the idea in my head that "hey, maybe the way to get rid of my stress is with a blade". Now I definitely mostly blame myself for what I do, but I never would have ahd the idea if it weren't for her showcasing what she does to herself. The second problem is that I take EVERYTHING to heart, especially with her. Anytime I hear about something that happened with her I am overwhelmed with sadness. I burst out crying when I was informed that she had to go to a mental hospital, and also when I heard she needed stitches for what she was doing. She tells me EVERYTHING in complete detail, since she has nobody, not even her parents to listen to her. So in other words I feel like I'm practically responsible for her and it's my fault when she does something bad to herself. Now, I know that's not true but I can't help but think it when I'm feeling particularily low.
And another thing, I get so fucking pissed at myself for being this "depressed". I have NO REASON. I have so many good things in my life so I feel like the most selfish bitch in the world when I want to kill myself because I "can't take the stress". But then thinking this way makes me feel worse and want to hurt myself even more, which leads back to being pissed and the cycle never ends.
There hasn't been one day in the last five months that I haven't thought about hurting myself.
I haven't hurt myself in almost a month, so I'm doing well. But tonight I'm honestly the closest I've been in a while to pulling that razor back out.
And now I'm getting pissed for thinking this way.
... It's never going to end. I can't stop feeling like this and I just feel so damn hopeless sometimes.
It's kinda tough if you need to cry but you ran out of tears long ago...
Geeze is that a long entry. Don't bother reading it all, since most of it is just a whining teenager looking for a little pity.... And I've heard all of the advice I can get so... I don't know. I'm just going to end it off here.
cya later,
Christie.
I also feel like I'm becoming a different person. My style is changing, my goals are changing, and then the worst change has to do with my "best friend". She's been my best friend for six years and I feel like I'm losing her. Everytime I leave after hanging out with her I constantly worry that I'll never see her again. She is so suicidal that it's affecting me as well and it does nothing to help me overcome my own depression. There are two very large problems with her right now. For one I partially blame her for why I started cutting myself a couple of years ago. One day she just shows up to school and shows me these little cuts on her arm, like they're some sort of trophy to her. That's what put the idea in my head that "hey, maybe the way to get rid of my stress is with a blade". Now I definitely mostly blame myself for what I do, but I never would have ahd the idea if it weren't for her showcasing what she does to herself. The second problem is that I take EVERYTHING to heart, especially with her. Anytime I hear about something that happened with her I am overwhelmed with sadness. I burst out crying when I was informed that she had to go to a mental hospital, and also when I heard she needed stitches for what she was doing. She tells me EVERYTHING in complete detail, since she has nobody, not even her parents to listen to her. So in other words I feel like I'm practically responsible for her and it's my fault when she does something bad to herself. Now, I know that's not true but I can't help but think it when I'm feeling particularily low.
And another thing, I get so fucking pissed at myself for being this "depressed". I have NO REASON. I have so many good things in my life so I feel like the most selfish bitch in the world when I want to kill myself because I "can't take the stress". But then thinking this way makes me feel worse and want to hurt myself even more, which leads back to being pissed and the cycle never ends.
There hasn't been one day in the last five months that I haven't thought about hurting myself.
I haven't hurt myself in almost a month, so I'm doing well. But tonight I'm honestly the closest I've been in a while to pulling that razor back out.
And now I'm getting pissed for thinking this way.
... It's never going to end. I can't stop feeling like this and I just feel so damn hopeless sometimes.
It's kinda tough if you need to cry but you ran out of tears long ago...
Geeze is that a long entry. Don't bother reading it all, since most of it is just a whining teenager looking for a little pity.... And I've heard all of the advice I can get so... I don't know. I'm just going to end it off here.
cya later,
Christie.
