So first let me briefly explain my current situation...
Back in my first year of high school I met someone who was...different. At the time I thought it was just another small crush. However near the end of the year he told me that he well liked me. We never said we were dating for the few weeks but everyone knew. I've only had two boyfriends before, one who I thought was my first love, and the second one who was my first and who I shared my first kiss with. Now his name was Jake, we slowly became closer and closer and shared our first awkward kiss with each other. I never felt happier then I was with him. I could honestly be myself with him. After 5 months of being together let's say we explored each other's bodies, but we never had sex. It was at this time we shared "I love you" with each other. And I was completely aware of what I was saying. I did love him, I loved all these things that made him him, I believe now that I look back that he was my first love and when I look at my ex before him I realize I didn't love him, just the idea of my ex. We continued to date for another 5 months and then things went a bit shaky. He started becoming distance and I didn't know why. Then one night it happened. The horrible break up.
I spent days laying around crying. At the time it was my worse moments in life. Not only did I feel like crap around him, family problems got worse, I felt like all of my friends hated me, and some would say how pathetic I was for still loving him. I felt alone in the world, and it drove me to extreme measures. However it slowly passed as jake and I would see each other every so often. Then summer came and we started to hang out more again. We had awkward moments, but then one day we both did something I don't think either of us saw coming. We had sex. It was strange for a bit but we got even closer soon and started having sex, a lot. In fact we have been extremely close friends since then. We hung out once every week. Our 3rd school year started off with great moments together. I was confused but didn't care, I just wanted to be with him. I understood he didn't love me and had no feelings for me. Just to have that special person who makes you feel so amazing and incredible all the time be around you is one of the best things in the world.
Now this is were the problems started. Besides me having feelings for jake, my two close friends also shared feelings for him. He knew of their feelings. Then one night we were building legos ( yes I know, 17 and building legos? Well say hello to two very nerdy people.
) Anyway, He started off by asking me. "What would you do if I started dating?" I broke out in tears. I went into another room for a bit to think things out.
- I loved him
- We were still having sex and kissing, even that day we did that
- When he smiles at me and calls me babeh
- NONE of my friends know about us having sex, or that we even did anything like that with each other, not even my best girlfriend
So much more was going through my head. But at one point I went back up stairs. I sat there for a bit crying as he continued to build something. Then he said, "I happy you came back."
It was silence and he started up again. He said he was sorry for everything. He felt bad for having sex with me because he said he felt like he was using me. He continued by saying that he Loves me. And just the way he said it I knew he sincerely meant it. But I couldn't say anything back. I was so struck by the fact that he still loved me. He followed on by saying that he doesn't want me out of his life and that is the reason why he offered me to live with him if my family had to move to Texas for my dad's work.
This was a big moment for us. I thought we finally completely opened up with each other. We talked the rest of the night.
I know this is long so I will say a few other things he has said to me, such as I told him I was scared of things not lasting, he told me that we would last. I said forever? and laughed out of nerves. He said longer then forever. However right before we said that I found out the real reason why he left me, he said he didn't want us together then, and that he was scared of being with me forever, like in a marriage. WHich I understand because we are so young.
However I found a note recently saying that he had with my one close friend. He told her that he had been trying to get close to people but can't because of me. I'm not sure how he feels about me anymore. He always still calls me babeh, we still have sex, he still holds me tight, he still love to poke fun at me and does this thing where I want to hug him so bad, and he knows it makes me feel that way but does it anyway.
I'm trying my best to be strong, but sometimes it hurts to think about this all at night. I feel like sometimes I am holding him back from true happiness, and I just want him to be happy. He trys so hard to make everyone else happy but never does much for himself. I'm scared to death of losing him as a friend but I think one day I will have to let him go, because I feel like he'd be much happier. I'd give anything to make him happy. And I sometimes wonder, if I'm alone in all this. I can't talk to anyone else but in about all this because none of them know about us having sex, and well he doesn't think we should tell anyone about it. Advice anyone? :confused:
Back in my first year of high school I met someone who was...different. At the time I thought it was just another small crush. However near the end of the year he told me that he well liked me. We never said we were dating for the few weeks but everyone knew. I've only had two boyfriends before, one who I thought was my first love, and the second one who was my first and who I shared my first kiss with. Now his name was Jake, we slowly became closer and closer and shared our first awkward kiss with each other. I never felt happier then I was with him. I could honestly be myself with him. After 5 months of being together let's say we explored each other's bodies, but we never had sex. It was at this time we shared "I love you" with each other. And I was completely aware of what I was saying. I did love him, I loved all these things that made him him, I believe now that I look back that he was my first love and when I look at my ex before him I realize I didn't love him, just the idea of my ex. We continued to date for another 5 months and then things went a bit shaky. He started becoming distance and I didn't know why. Then one night it happened. The horrible break up.
I spent days laying around crying. At the time it was my worse moments in life. Not only did I feel like crap around him, family problems got worse, I felt like all of my friends hated me, and some would say how pathetic I was for still loving him. I felt alone in the world, and it drove me to extreme measures. However it slowly passed as jake and I would see each other every so often. Then summer came and we started to hang out more again. We had awkward moments, but then one day we both did something I don't think either of us saw coming. We had sex. It was strange for a bit but we got even closer soon and started having sex, a lot. In fact we have been extremely close friends since then. We hung out once every week. Our 3rd school year started off with great moments together. I was confused but didn't care, I just wanted to be with him. I understood he didn't love me and had no feelings for me. Just to have that special person who makes you feel so amazing and incredible all the time be around you is one of the best things in the world.
Now this is were the problems started. Besides me having feelings for jake, my two close friends also shared feelings for him. He knew of their feelings. Then one night we were building legos ( yes I know, 17 and building legos? Well say hello to two very nerdy people.
) Anyway, He started off by asking me. "What would you do if I started dating?" I broke out in tears. I went into another room for a bit to think things out. - I loved him
- We were still having sex and kissing, even that day we did that
- When he smiles at me and calls me babeh
- NONE of my friends know about us having sex, or that we even did anything like that with each other, not even my best girlfriend
So much more was going through my head. But at one point I went back up stairs. I sat there for a bit crying as he continued to build something. Then he said, "I happy you came back."
It was silence and he started up again. He said he was sorry for everything. He felt bad for having sex with me because he said he felt like he was using me. He continued by saying that he Loves me. And just the way he said it I knew he sincerely meant it. But I couldn't say anything back. I was so struck by the fact that he still loved me. He followed on by saying that he doesn't want me out of his life and that is the reason why he offered me to live with him if my family had to move to Texas for my dad's work.
This was a big moment for us. I thought we finally completely opened up with each other. We talked the rest of the night.
I know this is long so I will say a few other things he has said to me, such as I told him I was scared of things not lasting, he told me that we would last. I said forever? and laughed out of nerves. He said longer then forever. However right before we said that I found out the real reason why he left me, he said he didn't want us together then, and that he was scared of being with me forever, like in a marriage. WHich I understand because we are so young.
However I found a note recently saying that he had with my one close friend. He told her that he had been trying to get close to people but can't because of me. I'm not sure how he feels about me anymore. He always still calls me babeh, we still have sex, he still holds me tight, he still love to poke fun at me and does this thing where I want to hug him so bad, and he knows it makes me feel that way but does it anyway.
I'm trying my best to be strong, but sometimes it hurts to think about this all at night. I feel like sometimes I am holding him back from true happiness, and I just want him to be happy. He trys so hard to make everyone else happy but never does much for himself. I'm scared to death of losing him as a friend but I think one day I will have to let him go, because I feel like he'd be much happier. I'd give anything to make him happy. And I sometimes wonder, if I'm alone in all this. I can't talk to anyone else but in about all this because none of them know about us having sex, and well he doesn't think we should tell anyone about it. Advice anyone? :confused:
