I used to be on another website called TeenHelp.org but they treated me very badly. They didnt even care when I thought about committing suicide and I felt all alone.
My mother drinks a lot and says that I'm worthless, that I'm nothing, and that I'll never amount to anything. I play the piano, I write, I want to travel all over the world, and go to the University of Manchester in England. My grandparents were born in England and I'm just so tired of being here. I'm ashamed to call myself an American. (Yes, that's how bad it gets around my house. I've seen enough of America to know that I do NOT want to stay here anymore). I have more friends in Ireland than I do in the whole of the state I live in.
We are having money problems, we have to move, my mother has nobody else to talk to so I feel obligated to stay here and help her....my father is a drug addict and I'm not sure how to handle it. I just want to leave and to never come back here again. Every time I say I want to move to England, I have people from the UK saying, "Ew an American, a yankee, dont come here, we dont want you here" I'm dead serious. So now I feel like I'm unwanted EVERYWHERE. The things my mom says to me.....I've been hearing that since I was 8 years old. She said I was an accident waiting to happen. Imagine hearing that at 8 years old and not being able to do anything about it. She used to drive me to school piss drunk. I just want to stick my head in an oven and turn the gas on....I really need help right now.
I think my mom wanted me to fail at life just so she can say that she wasn't the only one....

I appreciate some of what you said in your message although most of it was not very nice and uncalled for. I know that people wouldnt care if I was living or not, I dont need to hear it from random people. It wont make me feel any better.
But thanks for your help, if thats what you were really trying to give me...but it doesnt make me feel any different knowing I still have to live with my mother for another year.

I cant get adopted because I am the age of 18, I'm almost 19 otherwise I would have done it a long time ago if I would have known what it would do to me.

telling me to tough up is a lot more difficult than it is.....I mean, this is my MOM, this isn't just some random person on the street or otherwise I'd be able to handle it but I cannot handle this. I'm not saying I'm gonna go out and kill myself, however, that is what I used to think that the answer was, but I realized its not.


And SuperXEmoNinja, just a little advice that I'm giving to you. When someone says they wanna committ suicide, telling them to tough up and to grow up isn't going to help them very much. What if you told them to grow the fuck up and act their own age and then they went out and killed themself because a "good friend" didnt help them? The truth isn't what they need to hear right away, what I do is I tell them what they WANT to hear just so that they KNOW they have a good friend and THEN I tell them what they NEED to hear so they wont act that way again. But telling them to tough up without any real advice isn't gonna make them feel any better. So instead of saying that you've never been in my situation before, (with my mother, I mean), and then telling me to tough up, if you've never been in my situation, what the hell makes you think that you have the right to give me advice which wasn't very helpful to begin with? You coulda said, "Try talking to your mom, finish your book to prove to her that you ARE somebody, you can do it, I know you can" THATS what a TRUE friend would say so I wonder how many friends you ACTUALLY have because I bet you any money that I could guess a random number and be right.


I'm not asking for pity, all I'm asking for is a little consideration and a little advice as to how I can make it better for the next year while I'm living with her. How can I avoid her? How can I get her to stop crying about the bills? I hate to see her cry the way she does but ignoring her would only make me feel even worse. I try to make her feel better and when she doesnt, it only makes me feel like I'm useless to her, like I cant really be there for her.
Pity is the last thing I need, I dont want a pity party or for people to mourn over my problems or to get on their knees and cry with me. All I need is a friend and some HELPFUL advice that I can actually use instead of "tough up". I would save up and move out but I'm saving up to go to England next summer for college. I have to pay for my own plane ticket and passport. Plane tickets for Europe range in betwee $1,000-$2,000. If I pay for rent/utilities, insurance, etc. I wouldnt have enough to go. And the whole reason for my trip of going is to get away from her. So I dont know if I should move out and ruin my chance of going on this trip or if I should stay with her and be miserable.
Any suggestions?

I appreciate your advice. And you're absolutely right. She should take responsibility for her actions. I once heard a quote from one of my favorite movies, it goes, "Thats what kids and babies are like mother! What did you think? That we were gonna exchange thoughts on politics and music??" My mother never thought about the consequences of having a child so young, but she did it anyway. I may be an accident but I sure as hell dont need to hear it. You are absolutely right though, if I was an accident, then I'll be the best accident she'll ever see. A line from my manuscript is, "I used to pray, wish, and hope for a better life but I realized that praying and wishing and hoping would never get me anywhere. I have to go out and get a better life myself, even if it means that I have to risk my own life for it. My mother still prays and wishes and hopes for a better life. She'll always be wishing for a better life. What she doesn't know is that I'll be living the life that she will always want and she will put me down for it, trying to make me give it up. Well it's not going to happen." And that's the line that's always kept my spirits up. I do have to toughen up, I know that. People say I'm too tough for this house. People have called me a hero for living through this hellhole my parents put me through. I just want to find a way to make it all better again with my family and I'm just afraid it'll never happen. We used to be so happy and I wish we could be happier again. Just to make it a little easier with the year I have to live here.

My mother tried to be a good person and take in other family members who also lost their home. They were with us for about 4 months. It was my sister, my parents, my four cousins, my aunt, my uncle and I. Ten people in a ranch style house. Not a lot of room but there was always chaos going on. My mother used to hide in her closet to get away from it all because the noise made he go crazy and thats when she started drinking. I understand that we needed to help out our family and we couldnt turn our backs on them. I dont want to blame them but they could have had a little consideration. It's difficult for me NOT to blame them because it feels like I have nobody else to blame. I dont understand the concept of the fact that there might not be anybody to blame. What I hate the most is that my mother tried to do a nice thing and we ALL got f-cked over in the end. Thats what happens to nice people. They get nothing but dirt. (At least thats the only experience I've ever had from being nice). My mother has chosen alcohol over me, many times in fact. She'll get my hopes up. She'll say, "I promise I will quit drinking when we move" and I didnt get my hopes up, I almost did but I didnt. She'll drink behind my back thinking I cant see her when I can. I'll see her in the kitchen up her in cupboard getting her bottle down and pouring her a glass and she doesn't even know that I'm standing there. So to make her think that I didnt see her, I dont move or say a word until she's done and walk into the kitchen. I know more than she thinks. She threatened to committ suicide, she said that the only reason why she wasn't was because I would be the one who would most likely find her body and she said that I didnt deserve that. Thats the ONLY reason why she wasn't killing herself is so I wouldnt have to experience seeing her dead body. Now, she has NOBODY else to talk to, nobody except for me. I know that while I stay with her, she wont do it. But I'm scared that if I left, she might try. My friend said that I should go out and do whats best for me. I shouldnt have to take care of my own mother. It will only enable her to have full power over my future because she practically brainwashed me into thinking that I HAD to be with her when I didnt. She made me feel bad about wanting to move out and go to college. I'm afraid that when the moment comes down to it, I wont go because I'll be too scared to leave her alone and with nobody to talk to. I've waited long enough for college, I've waited too long to get out of here. THIS year was supposed to be my senior year but I got held back in my junior year because my mother insisted that I took home-schooling but I had no help by my side 24/7 like you're supposed to have. My parents were never home to help me, my sister didnt know jack squat about school work, so what else was I supposed to do? My mother enrolled me without telling me about it until the first day of school when she said, "Go back to sleep, you dont have to go to school anymore" I think she did that on purpose just so I'd have another extra year to spend with her. I was also held back in 1st grade because I had learning disabilities and I had no idea what 2nd graders were learning about so not only was I one year behind everyone but TWO years behind. I've waited long enough to go to college and I'm itching to get the f-ck out of this place. I need to make myself a better person and heal my heart from my mother's wounds. The longer I stay here, the more advantages I'm giving her and the longer I stay here, the more I'll be wounded and the less I'll be happier. She needs to take care of herself and I'm hoping to teach her that before I leave. A friend said that SHE'S the mother, not me. She needs to learn how to take care of herself and that I shouldnt have to do it for her. But she's my mother. If she cant take care of herself emotionally, then how else is she going to be able to deal with things?

Boy, I'm in more of a pickle than I thought I was.